SNOW!!

There's a full on snow storm happening right now in Portland and it's beautiful and cold and new. Wonder isn't a an experience I have daily, but I think it is so important. There's something about snow that's inherently magical. 

At least for someone who grew up in Georgia.

Scout is absolutely freaking out. So happy and frolicking. I think he remembers playing in Alaska with Grace last year. 

I walked the six cold blocks to Meeting this morning and was so overwhelmed. Meeting was obviously smaller, but such a blessing. I was overwhelmed by the saturation of love in my life. How being a part of that community has transformed my life in such beautiful ways in the past year. How blessed I am. So thankful. So very thankful.

This evening we're having a wintry gathering of the Young Adult Friends. Hot chocolate, cookies, and Irving Berlin's White Christmas (my contribution). 

I am so very much in love with my life. 

And know that if I don't talk to you regularly, I love you dearly and think of you often. 

Thanksgiving, Peter and the Wolf, and my mother makes everything beautiful

So, Thanksgiving:

Picked mom up at the airport around 6, lots of fast talking and giggling on the ride home. Trying to fall back asleep, which resulted in more fast talking and giggling. Walked my precious doggie. Found a treasure to make my house beautiful. Went to meeting. Came home and cooked and ate the un-Thanksgiving meal. Halibut (that mom, herself, caught and filleted!), brussel sprouts, delicata squash, and quinoia. Yum! A few glasses of wine and one tired fight later, we had a lovely evening in front of a beautiful fire. Watched a movie and went to bed. Friday we had AWESOME breakfast at Genie's, including best waitress ever and mom forgetting her wallet. Te-he. Then we did shop, but at Goodwill, and since it was my birth month, we saved 25%! LOVE Goodwill. Came home and organized our treasures. Got a call from a F/friend, who joined us for dinner, IKEA (in and out in 28 minutes!), Puppetz vs. People (Improv comedy + TOJ puppets + comedy sports people= AWESOME), Portland City Grill for drinks, then Voodoo for doughnuts (apple fritter the size of your face), then (because we had absolutely no self-control) the Roxy for onion rings and hash-browns. Phew. Epic Portland evening. The next morning, I suffered from what I can only assume was a sugar hang-over. Grumpy and unfocused, Saturday was a challenge in life, much less being a pleasant hostess. Mom dutifully made the curtains I promised we'd make together, and by the time we'd hung them, everything was happy. I dropped her at the airport, thankful that I have the most resilient, focused, generous, and loving (albeit stubborn) mother alive. Getting to know her as an adult has been one of the most rewarding challenges of the past few years and continues as we redefine our understandings of one another. Kudos momma for making everything better, even when it's hard and most other people would give up.

So, in the two days leading up to Thanksgiving, Jonathan and I very quickly learned Peter and the Wolf. This week was supposed to be set aside for rehearsals all week, but as nothing ever happens as planned over at TOJ, we had to run over to Astoria and do a couple of shows on Wednesday. Now, at first I was cranky, because I've really enjoyed my two weeks home and was not pleased to have that interrupted by having to take a day trip to the coast (I know that sounds bitchy, but I was also worried about Peter rehearsals). Anyway, as everything with this job that I at first dread, it ended up kicking some major ass. Astoria just turns out to be the cutest town ever, and all without being kitchsy or pretentious. We performed at this BEAUTIFUL old vaudeville theater built in 1924. It was in short, awesome. I was informed after returning home that Astoria is where they filmed the Goonies (THE GOONIES!). I'm moving there. End of story. 

So, we pulled it off. Last night was our first of two performances of Peter and the Wolf and it was so much fun! I was nervous because I had never done Bonraku-style stuff before (puppeteers visible but dressed completely in black including henchmen-esque hoods and gloves), and I had to wear these ridiculous Spice-girl boots (like 6-inch platforms) because I wasn't tall enough. But it went great! Performing with live music was just about one of the coolest things I've ever gotten to do, and I got to meet Jonathan's parents (super adorable), and I had a bunch of friends come! All around great. And in case you were wondering I was the cat (difficult), the duck (my favorite), Peter's feet, a hunter, and alternately the bird and grandpa. Have I mentioned lately that I love my job?

So, today I have a long list of things that's been building for a while and I am so very excited to tackle it. It includes making a face for the Sasquach puppet that I'm building. Oh, yeah. 

Aaaaand it's sunny. For like the third day in a row. It feels amazingly decadent. 

hey! my life is starting to rock again! score!

So, supremely awesome weekend. 

Dad and I had a really great visit. 

That bears repeating: I had a fantastic visit with my father! 

He got in on Friday, and came and picked me up from work so he could see our studio and workshop. Then we had dinner at the Tin Shed on Alberta (so yummy). Saturday morning he came over and I fixed him brunch (my first attempt at a frittata was an amazing success). Anna ate with us, and I was really glad she got to meet and spend time with him. I broke my phone last week, so he took me and bought me a new one for my birthday. Super awesome, as I wouldn't have been able to afford one otherwise. Then he updated the operating system on my computer, which ended up being somewhat of an adventure in back-up land. I didn't have enough space on my computer, which forced me to finally back-up my senior project from my ASL independent study (three ASL interviews with sub-titles), which I'd basically been meaning to do since I finished it. (i.e. 2 years) After that, we went downtown to see a photography exhibit on the Columbia river gorge (1860-1950). Really cool. And then made our way to the Portland City Grill (30th floor = super awesome view of this city I love) for a shi shi birthday dinner. The next morning he came to meeting with me and then too me out to my favorite Thai place. Aaaand, he bought me gas. (!)

Even a year ago, the idea of us having a really relaxed, comfortable, (as in not awkward or frustrating) visit full of real conversations and just plain good times seemed like an impossibility. But we did. I felt like he was actually my father again for the first time in a really long time. And that was the best birthday present he could have given me. Very, very thankful.

And as for all the well-wishers, thankyouverymuch! 

My 24th birthday kicked some major hiney. Anna and I cleaned house and then did a little last minute shopping (trader joe's for wine, new seasons for turkey day groceries, and fred meyer for balloons and streamers-- yep, I had balloons and streamers). Then we decorated and she fixed me an amazing birthday dinner. I had gotten a nicer bottle of wine for the two of us to start the evening, and I gotta say, when you're used to $3 wine, $10 wine feels faaan-cy. Before the party I got all fancy in one of my pretty dresses I never get to wear. Anna had just finished a knitting project that didn't turn out exactly how she had planned but made the perfect last minute accessory to my outfit. (pics to come) So then my friends came over and we had fun. I ate a lot of chocolate and drank a fair bit of wine (kudos to myself for switching to water before the party was over). We chatted in front of a fire, and danced up a storm. It was so great to have my awesome house full of some great people, many of whom I see on a regular basis, but many of whom I don't see often enough. 

And if the first couple of days are any indicator, my 24th year is gonna be superb. One for the books. 

rain and the like

We had sun for about a second but the rain seems to be here to stay. In other news, turns out November is the least encouraging month to begin a running regimen in Portland. I've been biking when it's not too nasty and that lifts my heart (rate) and spirits. Currently seeking indoor activities beyond snuggling with Scout for exercise. 

Back on my no wheat/dairy kick and feeling very nice. I bought a LOT of groceries last weekend and am working my way to 3 part happiness: full pantry, clean house, clean clothes. Always seems to work for me. Maslov and all that.

November has been considerably lighter in the travel department. We'll have one or two nights out then two or three home. It's been pretty darn great to get to feel like I live in Portland again. 

Speaking of, I have fallen back in love with this city and am not going anywhere for a while. The biking, the mountains, burgerville, my kick ass job, a budding community... so much to love. 

My housing situation while it continues to kick ass, is in half-replacement mode. I understand and love my roomies and understand the need for transition, but I am ready for that to be stable for a while. I mean you Anna. No moving. Seriously. 

A little in panic mode about finding someone to watch Scout for me while I'm in AK for Christmas. I'll be gone a week and can't afford $20/night to board him, and I'm too freaked to fly him up in cargo in the winter. Blah. Stress. Can't. Deal.

In other news, I get older this weekend. Yep, 24 on Sunday. Having a few friends over for dancing and cupcakes, because really, what is better than that?

Also, a week from today is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. Mom's flying down and we're going to eat Halibut and gingerbread and watch movies in front of a fire. Should be smashing. 

Aaaaaand, my daddy-o is flying in tonight and will be here for the weekend, and at the risk of actually having expectations, I'm kind of excited. Awkward hugs, and all that. 

So, as the seasonal affected disorder rolls in like the clouds I'm fighting back with cleanliness, a whole mess of food, and time with people that mean a whole lot to me. Look at me being all mature and stuff. Shucks.

may it be noted

I had a really fantastic weekend. 

In light of recent emotional states, this means quite a lot.

that's all.

future proche

There's a tense in French called the 'near future' that describes things, big surprise, that are going to happen in the near future. I have a weird habit of living my life in the near future. I realized recently that my fantasies about living in Asheville next year had become somewhat escapist. Tour is getting hard, and even though I had thought I had really organized a couple of weekends ago and gotten my priorities straight, all I really had done was realize that they needed straightening. Specifically, I need to figure out a way to feed my passions for creating. I made some prints today, and it was extremely satisfying. I also have some plans for long-term projects that are quite exciting (have I mentioned the Sasquach puppet lately?) I've also started investing again in my space. Space is super important to me, but I also have a bad habit of not changing anything after I've moved in. I hung more stuff on my walls today, but need more. I think that's all I want for my birthday. Art. 

Also, making slightly ambitious (ambitious in that I'll probably fail way) to start running. I'm at the threshold of fat-kid-dom (i.e. I don't want to weigh more than I do now) and I'm not entirely pleased. I talk a lot of talk about being active, and being strong but the thing is, I'm not. Thinking about signing up for a 5k around the new year for motivation. 

Basically, I have a fantastic life, and I'm trying to get my head straight so that I can recognize that more easily on a daily basis. It never hurts to learn again that it really is no one's responsibility but my own to build the life that I want to lead. This is it. 

landslide indeed

After 8 years of being ashamed, frightened, scared, and frustrated with my country and my leaders, I am hopeful, optimistic, proud, and gosh darn excited. I cried like a baby last night. It was the first time I've felt pure joy in a pretty long time.

I was talking about the election with some friends last Saturday and one of the guys I was talking to mentioned that our generation hasn't really had anybody that we've ever looked up to or been truly inspired by. That's one of the many reasons this election has meant so much to us. We admire (President Elect!) Obama, are inspired by him.

I know it's going to be a long hard road, but I have the confidence that The United States can heal.

Thank you to everyone who voted, organized, or just participated. You are what make our country great.

a very happy election day to you!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

(Turn and face the strain)

Ch-ch-changes

Don't want to be a richer (wo) man

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strain)

Ch-ch-changes

Just gonna have to (vote for) a different man

Time may change me

But I can't change time. 

Yep, I just quoted Bowie in honor of election day. 

I'm giddy. Fingers crossed, prayers prayed, now I'm just trying to keep from getting ahead of myself. I'm still in a dreamy "oh my god, can it be true?" And on top of the fact that Obama may very well win this election (please, please, please), Georgia may go blue. Let me reiterate: GEORGIA may go BLUE. (aw, shucks).

Regardless, Bush cannot be re-elected, which should be a relief to everyone, including those who helped elect him (*ahem*). 

I love voting. It's inspiring. It's... it's... getting your opinion to count. It's just great. I love it so much it gets me all inarticulate. 

And so... partially in honor of the changing face of America (did I mention that I was excited?!) and partially because of my current emotional roller coaster, I'm making some changes in my own life.

In a moment of introspection over the weekend, I remembered that when I take care of myself physically, I feel better emotionally. I also enjoy a healthy obsession, so I'm focusing on what I'm fueling my body with, and how I'm taking care of it. In the spirit of accountability I'm posting some goals. Cheers!

1) I will drink at least a liter of water every day.

2) I will do 5 sequences of sun salutations every morning.

3) I will take at least a 30 minute walk every day.

4) I will limit and work to cut wheat and dairy from my diet.

5) I will re-focus my nutrition to include protein, a whole grain, and veggies at every meal. 

6) I will be sure to take my iron every day. For serious.

All stuff I can do. No excuses. 

C'mon kids, bust a move. 

good things

1 extra hour of sleep

quaker meeting

gold leaves

scout

tea with a friend

groceries

a clean refrigerator

vegan pumpkin gingerbread

a house (soon to be) full of good Friends

I am very blessed. 

le sigh

Le sigh. I realized this week that I'm depressed. Not reaching-for-the-pills depressed, just down. Before I get too hard on myself as I am wont to do, I realize that this kind of makes sense. I had a crappy break up and being on the road makes it really hard to feel connected to a community in Portland. It makes it hard to feel connected to a life in Portland. And if I have learned anything in my 23 years of living, it's that feeling connected is the most important thing to me. Yes, I have friends here, and they are great! But having a real sense of community here would take years, and I'm trying to decide if that's a commitment I'm ready to make. 

I've been toying with the idea of moving to Asheville next summer. There's something to be said for moving 2,000 miles away and completely starting your life over again, just to know that you can. But I'm starting to realize that there's also something to be said for being physically close to the people you are emotionally close to. Yes, if I had moved to North Carolina immediately after graduation I would have felt like I was settling and always wonder. But I have done it. I know I can, and I think that may have been all I needed. Being here to help with LJ+Dave's wedding was priceless, and working with Tears of Joy and knowing that I could actually do this puppetry thing as a career, has also been an invaluable experience. I have so enjoyed exploring my spirituality at Quaker meeting and making the diverse friend group that I have but... The thing is there's always a but at the end of that sentence for me, and I'm trying to figure out what that's about. It's complicated, I suppose, as these things often are. 

So, I'm pushing through it. Trying really hard to figure things out. To think things through, but also get out of my head and listen to my heart. If you pray, I'd appreciate your prayers. If you don't, just send me some love. I'll take care of it and be sure to send some back soon. 

blog wars

My relatives are engaged in an all out blog-war. I find this mildly amusing. We never talk about politics in my mom's family (well, at least not in mixed company) because of one simple understanding: we're not going to change each others minds, but we might hurt each other's feelings. I love my family. I respect my family. I enjoy witty banter and political discourse. 

I am not going to blog about why I'm voting for Obama. (as if that were a surprise to anyone anyway).

Because, the fact is, I'm not going to change your mind. My mom isn't going to change Natalie's mind. Natalie isn't going to change Aunt Kathy's mind. 

And that's okay. 

I just hope this conversation is just that; a conversation. Because that's the most valuable thing we can gain from one another. That or just get frustrated and stop listening or reading as the case may be. 

I hope it's the former, but I've been told I'm an optimist.

blue skies

It's beautiful outside, and it's helping. 

After a long week on the road, coming home last night I felt melancholy. Scout and I snuggled, I put on clean sheets and listened to the Avett Brothers. I want to figure out how to be pursuing all of my interests at the same time. The fact that I have a job in the exact field I want is amazing, but surprisingly not enough. I want to be signing. I want to be on the trapeze. I am trying to figure out how to make this work. 

I have also decided that although I adore Portland, I am willing to follow puppetry jobs and training wherever they might be. This is kind of a big deal as up to this point most of the major life decisions I've made have been focused around where to live. It's also kind of crazy because it means I've decided to follow this puppetry thing as a career path. It sounds way too adult when I put it like that so it helps to remind myself that I'm talking about puppetry. 

I'm still going through the ups and downs of a break-up. I've had about one bad day a week, which I'd say isn't too bad. Today, it's sunny and I spent the morning at an apple tasting, buying pumpkins, and chowing down on Pho with one of my roomies. Now, I'm having a beer and enjoying the afternoon. Soon, our house will be full of pumpkin carving festivities and I'm delighted. We stumble, and scrape our knees, but who would want to live in a world without scar stories?

I'm a bad blogger

So, I've been a bit remiss in updating lately, but that's mainly because my life has been sucking. So badly in fact that anything would be an improvement, so guess what kids? Things are looking up!

The bad:

I hate traffic. 8 hour soul-crushing traffic jams that happen on Fridays specifically.

I hate boys. Specifically those of the long blond hair variety without the balls to know a goddamn (sorry mom) thing about themselves and feel the need to inflict pain on those around them with forays into "honesty." If that sounds enigmatic, realize that you are correct! The shorthand is that I broke up with Avery. He is a stupid boy. That is over. Finito. Don't ask how he is because I don't know. 

I hate it when my body revolts against me. Like when 4 hours after breaking up with avery my body decided to have a ruptured ovarian cyst that was excruciatingly painful and took a day and a half hospital stay to figure out. (THANK GOD I have insurance).

The good:

My job is rad. I get to do puppet shows for kids. They make me feel like a rockstar. Being on the road is hard, but definitely worth it. I'm seeing some beautiful country, visiting friends (!), and thankfully Jonathan shares my Law and Order obsession. 

I love coming home to my home. This is such an important part of my life, and I'm so blessed by my awesome living situation.

Have devised a rather shaky but terribly exciting plan for spending most of my summer split between the south east and north east. Details forthcoming.  

thank you for being patient with me blog readers. I am back, not quite with a vengeance, but with something.

the quick and dirty

I'm getting insurance (thanks dad!).

We had our official dress rehearsal last night (and it went really well!)

I'll be on the road this time next week.

My foot's doing fine.

I gave Scout a bath last night. 

I learned the entire "Who's on First" routine by Abbot and Costello and performed it tonight (with a puppet) at TOJ's benefit dinner for about 200 people.

So basically things are good and I am exhausted.

franken foot!

Alright kids, enough of emo Hannah. I love you and miss you, but I'm getting on with my life. 

Woke up super happy and optimistic today. Number one: I got to see Avery last night, which was basically really great. I really appreciate the times that we get to hang out and have time to talk about more than just what's going on in our lives. Big things, important things. Spending time like that makes me feel so connected, present, and relaxed. That's pretty amazing and I'm unbelievably thankful for it (and him). 

So I woke up happy. Then, driving to work I remembered that I was going to get to see a puppet show today. Score! Being a puppeteer basically rocks because not only do I get to play with puppets, I get to watch my co-workers do the same. So I got to work, Jonathan and I set up our set (a note here on the fact that Jonathan basically rocks, we make a great team (TEAM JO-HA!) and I'm so delighted to be touring with him). Then we walked over to the rehearsal space for the team doing The Reluctant Dragon (about a dragon who loves poetry and sunsets). On the way there, I got a stick caught behind my left heel so when I strode forward with my right it cut me (on the top of my ankle where the curve is). I looked down, and was like, "Man, that hurt" but kept walking. A few steps later I looked down and there was blood everywhere! I started laughing because it was such a ridiculous situation and hobbled the rest of the way. Once I got to the space I wrapped it up with a piece of gauzy fabric and an ace bandage. As long as my foot was flexed it wouldn't bleed, so I wrapped it that way. Anyway, the show was GREAT! They start their tour tomorrow, (two weeks before we leave) so I was super impressed. Then we all went out to this amazing buffet called Horn of Africa and completely gorged ourselves. Since we usually are only working on our individual shows, it was really fun to just hang out with everybody. Then when we got back to the office, we met with head honcho Janet who scolded us for leaving the workshop in shambles. I checked my foot out during the meeting and discovered that it was still bleeding (4 hours later) if I moved it. So I told Nancy, and she sent me to the ER. An hour and a half, a tetnus shot, and 5 stitches later I came back laughing about the whole experience. 

So basically my work day consisted of setting up my set, cutting my foot, watching a great puppet show, eating amazing Ethopian food, and going to the ER. Not too bad. 

everywhere at once, take two

Again feeling slightly overwhelmed in both the immediate and long term. 

Funny, since this time my life actually has a shape to it. I'm settling into being a puppeteer 9-5 M-F. It's funny how regular it seems right now. I'll be on the road soon though. Daunting. That's the only word I can think of to describe touring right now. But rehearsals are going great, and I'm really enjoying working with my touring partner and director.

I've decided to go back to get an MFA in puppetry sometime in the next ten years. Probably get certified as an ASL interpreter sometime in there too. The order is kind of fuzzy, and it's a little overwhelming to think about, but it's good. Confusing and intense, but good.

Things are going great, but I'm feeling that creeping Sunday night feeling. 

I just watched some YouTube videos from this summer at Bread and Puppet and can't believe I missed it. Missed. In the complete definition of the word. I miss Megan and Taryn so much it hurts. I can't believe it's been almost a year since all 3 of the little piggies were united. I felt the same thing during the 2-3 weeks they were there on the farm, but since then I've settled into being happy about my life here in Portland. Feeling present, and thankful that I'm here. (Damn you YouTube and lazy Sunday evenings for making me feel otherwise!) But the thing is, I miss all of my friends. I'm just now getting to know a couple of people here. Really getting to know. Namely Avery and Anna, which is fantastic! And I'm terribly thankful for their friendship. I'm still slowly building and extending my community. But since Laura Jean has left, it's made me realize how few people know me. Really know me in that way that Hallmark has hijacked to make everything I try to say about it sound cleichéd. 

I can't believe it's been a year and a half since I sat across from Nina tasting her adventures in foccicia. A year and a half since I took a walk with Helen down Boulevard with Scout. Since I drank PBR out of a boot at 283 with Matt Weeks. Since Lauren made working at Earth Fare not feel like work. Since Megan Louise and I made dinner. And that's just Athens people! 

I miss my friends. Being away from people who know you makes you feel kind of lost. You see yourself in them. It's like being reassured that you're okay, that you do exist. It's a lot harder to do on your own. 

I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. I just wanted to send some love to the people I care about most, but see the least.

little bikes, big cute

My bike route to work passes the uber Portland Sunnyside Environmental School. It is ridiculously cute with its acre kickball lot and playground, 20s red brick exterior, and gardens surrounding the school for everything from the literacy garden (I'm guessing, since each plant has a letter next to it) to giant sunflowers growing outside almost every window. Needless to say, this place is cute, and slightly ideal. Then yesterday, just as I was approaching, I noticed not one, not two, but at least 10 sets of parents biking their kids to school. Most were on tandem bikes, and I gotta say, I almost fell over with the Portland-ness of it. It was one of those moments that I reconsidered maybe living here forever. I mean, I want to be able to bike my kids to school. Ah, Portland.

sick

I need healthcare. I have the opportunity for healthcare. I don't know if I can afford it. 

Here's the deal, after taxes my first biweekly paycheck came to a whopping total of $517 and some change. Sweet! I can actually live off of that. Then I was given information regarding health insurance (even the fact that it's offered for a gig like this, kind of blows my mind). Thing is it would skim $96 off of each paycheck. That's 20% of my income. Since my rent is $393, that would leave me with roughly $30 to make it to the middle of the month. With bills, cell phone, and car insurance, I can't afford that. But at the same time, I'm thinking, how can I afford not to? If I, heaven forbid, broke my leg, I'd be in debt up to my ears. But, $200 is a LOT of money when you're only bringing home about $1,000 a month. Sheesh. 

I know it's election season and the rhetoric is 'aflyin, but can I just say that it confounds and saddens me that although we live in the richest nation in the world we can't figure out a way to provide healthcare for our citizens. It's a basic right in my opinion as you can't very well pursue happiness with insurance companies hounding you for premiums you can't afford. Can we just elect Obama already? Please? 

Okay, I'll step down off my soap box, but I could really use some advice. I'm genuinely confused about what to do. Help oh sages of the blog-sphere! Help a woman in need!

pies, puppets, & projects

So, last weekend I had the great fortune of attending the Nomadic Theater Company's Cotillion and Pie fight. Yep, a fancy dance and pie fight (c'mon, they're clowns, remember?). It was a fundraiser to take their show, Running into Walls, to the NYC Clown Festival, and it was a smashing (hehe) success. I baked my first pie (for the eating part of the festivities, not the throwing), and surprisingly it actually turned out really well. It was a fruits of the forest pie (strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, blueberry, rubarb, and apple; my personal favorite), and the top crust had a face cut out of it with bottle caps. (Pictures to come.) It is so rare that I have an undertaking that turns out exactly how I picture it in my head. This one did, and it was super satisfying. I was talking to mom as I baked it and told her that it incorporated all the things she'd ever taught me. How to follow directions. Being patient, and persistent. Being hopeful. Believing in myself. Being creative and silly and sharing with others without reservation. I unfortunately got a little lost on the way there, but ended up there in time to help with some of the last minute set up and be photographer for the event (my camera is broken, so I had to use Sarah's camera. Now I've got to get copies of those pics from her! Ahhhhh, I just need to suck it up and buy a new camera). 

Sunday night, despite a driving and chilly rain, Anna, her man Bryan, Avery and I went to the Avett Brothers concert at the Zoo. Anna had scored free tickets from one of her contacts at Wend (the magazine where she works) and we were the lucky benefactors of her generosity. It was a great show, and I had surprisingly existential reflections on it. You see the Avett Brothers are from North Carolina, and for all of my running to get away from the South, it really is my home. And sometimes I miss it. And I might (probably) move back someday, and that's okay. I think it's a really important difference though that if/when I ever move back it would be a conscious choice, not just the easy choice. Moving away has been really important to know that I could. And I love living in Portland (LOVE), and as much as I feel at home here, I don't know if it will ever be my home. 

This past week was my second as a professional puppeteer. Our schedule is roughly to rehearse from 9-2, hour lunch, then workshop of some sort from 3-5. I was driving for about the first week and a half, and then Tuesday driving home in traffic, I remembered how much I hate driving. So Wednesday I started biking. It took me about three days to find a good route (thanks Amy!), but now that I have it's great! I'm getting exercise, and happy chemicals in my brain, and it's absolutely the best way to wake up in the morning. I keep joking that with 5 hours of puppet rehearsals and an hour of biking everyday, I'm going to start looking like a monkey (strong arms and legs with a little belly). I've actually started having to do some pilates at home because if I don't strengthen my core, I could really hurt my back from the puppetry. Speaking of, Thursday of the first week we actually started working through all the blocking with the puppets, and last Wednesday we actually had a run through! (minus the shadow puppets). Phew! I can't believe we're moving so fast! Since Wednesday we have added in all the shadow puppet scenes, light, and sound cues. This leaves us a good three weeks to just work through every little piece of the show (which we started doing on Friday). I am totally exhausted when I get home from work, but really happy. 

Lastly, Avery and I are finally learning how to balance together time and apart time. This, I think is a super-important part of any relationship, and I'm so glad that we can communicate about what we need so easily. So, this week we didn't see each other until Thursday (and had a lovely date night including him seeing my work, dinner, beer, Last Thursday on Alberta, and bike riding), which has given me time to pursue all the little projects around the house I've been meaning to get to for Forever. For instance, organizing the office nook upstairs. We have this lovely little nook upstairs, and when Sarah was working from home she built a desk in the closet-ish space. I since inherited lots of office stuff from LJ's big move and finally organized it into a workable space. I have decided to no more have my computer in my room and ONLY use it in the office. I think this delegation of space will be good for my time management skills as well as self-control. (i.e. being able to actually turn the computer off). Then, yesterday, I completed project of projects that has been hanging over my head since I moved back to this house in late June: hanging curtains. The best part of my room is the windows. I have three big windows on the front of the house that are just lovely. Unfortunately, they are also situated in such a way that if I have my blinds open, I am right on sight level for the sidewalk or street when I am laying on my bed. Not exactly private. Then, Friday, Anna had the wonderful idea to do half curtains for privacy. I got to work yesterday morning, and the result is amazing! I can have my blinds open, and still have privacy, not to mention they're beautiful and make my entire room feel bigger and just gosh darn prettier. Again, pictures to com when I can get my hands on a camera...

Phew, the downside of me updating this thing irregularly is longer posts, but I figure those who really care can shuffle through. I'm having a fantastic Labor Day weekend at home. I had planned to be away, but since my travels are starting SOON, I could think of no better way to relax than in my own home. Love to all!

alright, alright, I'll update already.

The PlayWrite workshop was a smashing success. I'm still learning how to be a good coach, but it is a life changing experience every time. It is amazing how kids who are systematically marginalized, can be such eager and expressive artists. Also, Avery got to come to the performance, which I was really excited about. 

A couple of weekends ago, I got to go camping with Avery and his tribe of folks he's grown up with (like his allofus on steroids). They've all gone camping in Steamboat (Oregon, not Colorado) for the past 25 years (read: before Avery was even in the picture). It was beautiful, very relaxing, and a good bit of fun. It was very special to be able to share in a place and with people that mean so much to him. 

I started Tears of Joy on Monday and am still having to pinch myself to believe that I'm actually getting paid to do this. We've been rehearsing and getting oriented which entails such hard work as hearing stories about the company sleuthing out stolen puppets and hotwired vans as well as playing theater games and making sure we know how to drive a cargo van. The only thing that feels like actual work at this point is that it is physically demanding. Our show is pretty traditional stick and rod puppetry. The puppets are pretty big (5-10 lbs a piece) and will have to be held over our heads the entire show. I'm starting my conditioning doing what I call puppet reps. I'll hold the puppets up for intervals of 1 minute at a time. Phew. It is HARD. But, if that's the only thing I have to complain about, my life is pretty good.

I threw Laura Jean and Dave a farewell dinner party at my house Tuesday night. It was  one of those days where nothing was really going right (I got out of work late, Avery had a minor bike accident), but with my roommate's help (Anna and Elsie were rock stars!) as well as some sous-chefing from Avery, I pulled it off without a hitch. In attendance were the illustrious LJ and Dave, Laura Jean's rommie Carole, Goose and Amy, and Don Miller even stopped in in time for dessert. All in all it was a lovely evening. 

wedding pics!

the actual wedding pictures.

gearing up

Okay, since no one probably had the patience to read the last (epic) post, I'll sum it up here: Dave and Laura Jean got hitched and it was happy to the nth. All things went smoothly and delightfully, partying with friends and family was a highlight. Good. Now no one has to feel guilty.

I spent basically the entire week in bed recovering from Long/Moore Wedding Extravaganza 2k8 and gathering my strength for the intensity of the next stage of my summer, which is a two week PlayWrite workshop at St. Mary's Home for Boys. Since I only participated in the second half of the last workshop, I got some much needed last minute training this morning. It's also going to be a bit more intensive as we will only have two 4 day weeks of 3 hour workshops (including a performance) instead of two five day weeks of 4 hour workshops plus an entire day for performances. If that didn't make any sense, basically the total number of workshop hours is cut by roughly a third. Did I mention that St. Mary's is a level 5 facility, which means that all of the boys we will be working with have either killed or raped someone? And they're between the ages of 10 and 17. Yeah, this is going to be intense. I am excited though. I know they have stories. I am excited to listen to them. To show them that someone thinks their stories are worth hearing. 

Also, this weekend I got to host an old friend/acquaintance from Athens who was visiting before he started a domestic (study abroad-esque) program in the Pacific Northwest. We did the sky tram up to OHSU (so cool), Powell's, the waterfront, biked the springwater, went to a movie at the Laurelhurst, and hiked in Forest Park. All in all, it was lovely sharing my love of Portland with a friend, and I love getting an excuse to do tourist-y things in my own city. Also! we randomly ran across Sojourn doing a rehearsal for Ten Tiny Dances on the South Waterfront and I finally got to say hi to Michael in person! (we've been playing email tag off and on for months). I am continued to be amazed by the serendipity of running into people here and how small Portland can feel. 

phew. LJ and Dave are done and hitched and I am tired.

The last week has been a whole mess of awesome with a lot of "this really must get done" thrown in. 

A week ago (c-ra-zy that it was already a week ago) my mom arrived in town and the wedding festivities got underway.... starting with me getting sick. Both LJ and Avery had been sick with different throat/chest infections in previous weeks so I don't know if I got it from one of them or if it was a double whammy. Regardless, Laura Jean insisted that I visit a doctor so that I'd be feeling better by her wedding. Thank god mom was in town so she could pay for my uninsured ass. Also thank god for Zoom Care. They saw me 10 minutes before my appointment was even supposed to start and I was in and out in 20 minutes. Woah. 

So I spent most of Wednesday and Thursday in bed trying to gather my strength for the impending par-tay. Wednesday evening Avery and I had special dinner with Momma so that she could meet him. That was super fun. Thursday we (LJ, Mom, and I) picked up our dresses, and ran last minute errands. That afternoon I kicked into total adrenaline mode for dinner with dad's family and didn't pull out of that gear until sometime Monday afternoon and I'm still recovering somewhat. Dinner with Dad's family went surprisingly well. Avery was there and was amazing. I find it's always best with dad's family if I expect the worst. That way if they don't make me cry it's a really successful interaction. From there, LJ and I went straight to her bachelorette party at Oaks Park to roller skate. She was complete with veil/tiara combo, and bright pink sash -- ensemble put together by yours truly. (can I just say, and this is the only time I'll say it, I was a really good sister of the bride). A random smattering of about 12 of her friends were there, and Grand Joyce and Aunt Susan even came (and skated!) but I think Mom, Laura Jean and I had the most fun. I lost my voice that night and have sounded like Lauren BaCall since. Kind of sexy but mostly silly. 

Friday was lots of running around getting last minute stuff done in between welcoming folks arriving from out of town. It was so neat to see our entire family, and chosen family in Portland! That evening was dinner with Mom's whole side of the family. I really enjoyed talking to my cousins. It is really amazing to see everyone with completely different lives, but still being themselves. I don't know. It's funny how most of the people in my family and chosen family I actually have very little in common with, but the fact that I have known them basically forever, and have seen them (and vice versa) in every stage of their/my lives that makes sharing common interests secondary or unimportant all together. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I love my family and it was great to see everyone. 

Then, Friday night, LJ and Dave threw a little get together for all the out of town guests at Dave's house (may I commend them highly for organizing the week so that they actually got to spend time with all their guests in from all over the place). I played taxi driver to the cousins who wanted to attend and in-between ran home and baked my two cakes for the wedding (Laura Jean had her friends bake 20 cakes, so that one could be on the center of each table as the center-piece). I baked two of the same recipe, my mother's grandmother Nanny Lowry's Buttermilk cake-- one with raspberry jam between the layers and the other with blackberry. (I had practiced earlier in the week, and between my room mates and all of our boyfriends it was gone in 12 hours, so I felt pretty good about the recipe). Anyway, I whipped those together, put them in the oven, ran back over to Dave's to pick up the cousins and drop them off at their hotel, and was back just in time for my cakes to be perfectly golden. I crashed into bed before midnight, which was amazing. 

Saturday morning, most of the cake bakers descended upon Goose and Amy's sweet little perpetually in renovation abode in NE. The three women with Kitchen Aide mixers took to the kitchen to whip up the icing for ALL 20 cakes, and the rest of us got to icing. It took a couple of hours but they all got done, and let me just tell you, nothing is more delightful than 20 pink boxes (of cake! get your mid out of the gutter). 

Please allow me a moment to gush over the complete power-couple that is Goose and Amy. In many ways this weekend, but especially Saturday and Sunday morning they stepped up to help many times without having to be asked. All throughout the icing party, Goose was in the background (not exactly his normal role), picking up breakfast, washing dishes, and cutting cardboard for cake support. Amy spearheaded the entire operation, and hosted the slightly loud and messy event in her home. Sunday they were the point man/woman keeping LJ and Dave on task and basically doing whatever needed doing, no questions asked, with smiles on their faces. Of course their involvement in the ceremony was categorically perfect. Amy read a beautiful poem from Walt Whitman, and Goose lived up to his reputation by being in turns silly, more silly, and even more heartfelt. In the words of Dave Moore, they're gold. 

Saturday afternoon, LJ, Mom, and I raced to our nail appointment at 2 (we were a bit late) and all had manicures and pedicures. Mom was super-mom as always and ran next door to Trader Joe's to grab us food and even fed it to us as we were getting our nails done. Don't worry, she was properly pampered too. That took a little longer than we had all anticipated and left us racing to get ready for the rehearsal. We were a bit late as there was some last-minute gift wrapping that needed to get done before I could drive LJ to Mt. Tabor. Thank God that both LJ and Dave as well as I live about a mile from the site of the wedding. Anyway, we ran through the ceremony (bare bones, as to not ruin any necessary surprises) twice. My favorite part was the first time, Aunt Susan (acting as wedding director) forgot Laura Jean and had Sally start the ceremony without her. As I was the flower girl and standing in the back with Laura Jean, I yelled to the front, "Hey, Susan! Don't you need a bride?" Laughter ensued. 

Rehearsal dinner was at Don Miller's loft in Sellwood. He, unfortunately, was not in attendance as he was flying back from a 7 week bike trek across the country. Of course, it was absolutely representative of his generosity to open his home to 50 people, most of whom he didn't even know in honor of his friends. Dave's friend Cheryl and three of her friends had spent the entire day cooking a Mexican feast and setting up the entire event, which was completely lovely and miraculously, like everything else went off without a hitch. Around 10, I drove Laura Jean home, helped her clean her apartment and kissed her goodnight.

Sunday morning was slightly stressful. There was a minor fiasco in fixing a piece of jewelry for my mother that took about 5 times longer than anticipated and included me cursing her name. Then I was taking our good family friend Ephriam to help out with reception set-up and got completely lost trying to find the Mississippi ballroom. Totally frustrating because I had just spent time with Avery on Mississippi about two weeks ago. It should have taken 20 minutes and took an hour and a half. That was really frustrating, but I will never get lost going up there again. Once I had picked up my cousins and finally got to Laura Jean's house everything was happy. Amy and Sally were there, and when I arrived with Leslie and Jenny, Leslie got to work doing LJ's make-up. A little later, mom arrived with tales of woe from the reception set-up (a little shout out to operation bird-dog here, Ta-tas, Tom and Caroline, and basically everyone from Mom's family, Y'all did an AMAZING job under intense time pressure and no one could thank you enough for all that you did for that wedding. It would not have happened without you, and you did it with grace and joy that still makes me want to cry when I think about it. What you did can only be described as love in the fullest most active sense of the word. Y'all are fantastic.) Anyway after a brief stress release on momma's part we all had super-fun getting dressed. Laura Jean looked stunning. (I really don't have any pictures yet, because I trusted everyone else to take care of that. I will post some as soon as I get them.) Oh, a word on the weather. In the morning it had been intensely overcast, but thankfully I've lived here long enough to trust that the clouds would burn off by the afternoon, and they did. By the time the ceremony started at 3, it was beautiful and just before the grandparents started walking down the aisle, the sun came through the few remaining clouds and it was kind of like a little miracle. Anyway, I drove Laura Jean up to Tabor, and Amy and Goose made sure the two love birds didn't see each other until the ceremony. Laura Jean was about to burst seeing all the people  (about 200) who had come together from all over (including high school) to celebrate with her and Dave. 

The ceremony was beautiful, funny, sweet, and basically perfect. After everyone was seated, I walked mom down the aisle then ran back to the back of the ampitheater and picked up a huge basked of rose petals (all from the roses in Laura Jean's yard!) and threw them in the air "bollywood style" (LJ's exact words) as we entered. The wind was just perfect, and just slightly caught them as they fluttered to the ground. I had the most fun ever being the flower girl and especially loved the moment when I stopped to pick up the second basket (lots of laughing). A few times during the ceremony you could hear an ice-cream truck (my favorite moment was when it started immediately after Larua Jean finished her vows. She belly laughed for about 3 minutes.) I don't know what else to say other than it was perfectly Laura Jean and Dave. We were all crying and laughing the entire time, which I'd say is a good sign. Afterward, there were pictures of course, followed by me chauffeuring the happy couple to the party of the century. Dave's friend Ssef was DJing (spinning everything from Jackson 5 to Queen... on vinyl). The food was amazing, the wine was flowing, and I do believe a good time was had by all. 

My only conceit in the entire weekend is that Avery was MIA for most of it. He went out of town Friday and Saturday for a wedding and came back to town Sunday with violent food poisoning and was unable to attend any of the festivities. That was a bit of a bummer as I wanted him to meet my mom's family, and family friends. Alas, there will be other times. 

Around 9, Dave and LJ made their grad exit through showers of lavender. I had the best seat in the house as I was driving them to the hotel and got to watch them run through the crowd. Laura Jean shed a few happy tears in the car in amazement and joy that in her words, "it was perfect." I drove them to the Ace downtown, and hugged them both and instructed them to get it on. Phew.

Monday, Mom and I did a lot of taxi-ing people to the airport and picking up the pieces from the day before. Checking out of the hotel, getting LJ's dress, returning Dave's tux, returning the sound equipment, etc, etc. That night we (including a marginally better Avery) met Caroline and Tom downtown for dinner before saying our adieus. 

I spent most of yesterday in bed, completely exhausted, and still feeling slightly under the weather. Today my goal is to get out of the house. Thank GOD that I got these two weeks off of work. 

It was so so great to see everyone and celebrate this weekend. It really was the best wedding I've ever been to, and I have the utmost respect for just how much work (and team work) it took to pull it off. 

I think it is such a beautiful testimony to Laura Jean and Dave that their community from near and far came together to support them so fully in their union. I have been cynical for a really long time about relationships, but seeing the beauty, respect, pure goofiness and joy with which those two kids look at each other and their life together, well it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say it changed my life. I am so excited to have a big brother, and am totally inspired by how completely perfect those kids are for each other. 

t-7 days to operation bird dog!

That's right kids just one week until LJ + Dave are officially Mr. and Mrs. Moore. 

I can't wait. I'm totally excited. And for all of you fine folks attending, I can't wait to see you!

"cutest shit ever"

The title for this post comes from Ms. Anna Brones, sweedish amazon, roomie extrordinaire, and person who took this photo:

shucks.

time change

Just yesterday while I was folding laundry at the clinic I laughed to myself how different my life is now than it was a year ago. Yesterday I was wearing a sundress and ballet flats, at my job as an office manager, here in Portland. A year ago I was showering once a week, wearing my carhardt overalls everyday, peeling garlic, toting cardboard, making oatmeal, singing, and living in a tent in Northern Vermont. A year ago I was scared, completely and totally insecure about the direction of my life, and feeling surprisingly alone in a communal setting (with a few notable exceptions). Now I am astonished daily by the community I have found and built here in just 7 months, both personally and professionally. I love my job, and am giddy to the point of ineptitude about my job that starts in August. I am so in love. I guess the only thing similar, is that I love the place that I am. There have been many mornings that I have missed the crisp air of the northeastern kingdom. The midday heat of the circus field. The magic of the pine forest. The creaking, creeping beauty of the museum. Portland, in ways that continue to surprise me, feels like home. Walking, and biking everywhere. Having Scout here, of course, but even the city itself. I told a friend once that it feels like an old coat with pockets full of treasures that I had forgotten about. Familiar, but exciting.

I just got off the phone with Danny from Bread & Puppet (everyone on the east coast continues to forget about the time change, which always makes me laugh. thankfully, I was already awake since I have to be at work soon). He wanted to know if I was going to be able to make it out this summer, and I had to tell him that I couldn't. I'm broken hearted that I can't see all of my favorite B&P folks this summer, and just be on the farm and everything that means (especially since I'm in such a good place now), but the first two weeks of August I have a PlayWrite workshop, and on the 15th I start Tears of Joy. But as disappointing as that is, it makes me happy too because it yet another affirmation of how good my life is. In so many ways, I went looking for something at B&P last summer, and what makes me laugh now is that I had to leave to find it. 

busy being happy

Yeah. It's that good.

Got my script in the mail for The Shoemaker and The Elves. It's super funny and I can't wait to get my hands on some puppets. Also, found my touring partner online (ah the wonders of facebook), and we met for coffee today. He's been doing this for a year so was able to answer a lot of my logistical questions. I don't think we're going to be the bestest of buds, but I do think that we will work well together. 

In other news, I'm very much enjoying a little mini-vacation before my last two weeks of work at the clinic. My bosses went to visit family in California, so I get 6 days off in a row. I keep being surprised about how when you're on vacation, everyday feels like Friday (my Saturday, since I only work a four day week right now). It's pretty flippin' sweet. 

I celebrated my week anniversary of being back in the cute-ness of my new (old) house again. Love everything about it, but especially my kick-ass roomies and beautiful and super-private patio. Only minor catastrophe in moving was that I dented the (brand-new, seriously less than 400 miles on it ) Uhaul van. Let's just say it was a very expensive mistake and will never again opt out of the $10 insurance. 

Independence day was celebrated with waffles and hiking with Avery, LJ + Dave. Avery had never been to Forrest Park, so it was lots of fun to share one of my favorite Portland places with my new favorite Portland person. (sly how I just slipped that in, eah?) Yes, his name is Avery and over the last four weeks, I've fallen for him in every way possible. The cool thing is that he has too (for me of all people), and we have ridiculous adventures. 

Needless to say, I am all kinds of happy. Happy enough to say things like "shucks" without a trace of irony. 

too much is easily said by saying little

hey, guess what kids?

I'm in love.

ode to a fantastic weekend

Thursday wine night so good I fell down the stairs

new glasses

sleeping in the sun

awkward art museum moments

summer solstice feasting

dancing in the grass

midnight critical mass

(200 bike lights a flutter like the most powerful of fireflies)

kissing on bikes

melon on the porch

afternoon movie-watching

biking springwater

homemade green curry with tofu

awkward argentenian movies

biking home at midnight for the second night in a row

seeing people I know

being a part of a group

long leisurely lunches with Friends

getting the fortune

"soon someone new in your life will become a very good friend"

 while sitting next to said person

gushing with Anna over tea on the patio

going to bed early to make up for staying up late

old time religion

I was talking with a friend on Friday about singing and spirituality. One of the (only) things I don't like about Quaker meeting is that there's no organized singing. Sometimes someone will begin a song and others will join in, which is nice, but there's something deep and essential in me about some of the old hymns I grew up singing in drafty churches, sweaty tabernacles, and around camp fires and in the chapel at Glisson. Mom gave Laura Jean and I each a copy of 'Spiritual Life Songs' for Christmas (the old song book we used at camp meeting in Thompson growing up) when I shared a similar sentiment in late fall. I told her, "I don't know about the rest of it, but the songs still get me." 

I've been singing tonight. A capella. Open window with a glass of wine. 

The more I sang the more I longed for some of my favorites from the Methodist hymnal, which, thanks to the internet, I found. When I sang through the lyrics of the songs below, I felt a beautiful sense of connectedness with with my past and present. It is no mistake that my favorite hymns from childhood have both peace-centered and earth loving themes. 

So here they are. My favorite hymns of all time (and don't be ashamed to sing along out loud).

1) This is My Song

2) Be Thou My Vision

3) God of the Sparrow

4) When Love is Found

5) For the Beauty of the Earth

blue skies

The sun has finally come out in portland! I've been pretty cranky for the past couple of months. I mean, 58 and cloudy in April was hard, but 55 and cloudy in June? (every time I'd complain, I'd check the weather in Georgia and remember what it feels like to sweat walking to the mailbox and I'd feel better about my decision to move here.) Today it's a lovely 74 and sunny and I'm feeling a bit manic. 

Just read a NYT article that I enjoyed. I've always said that I want a partner, it's refreshing to see that others are striving toward the same goal. 

Considering buying a piece of land in a couple of years, which feels insane to be 23, have a part-time job and be saying, but if I work it right, I think I can make it happen. I love Portland, but I've always wanted a little farm. Why wait? 

Basically, I'm super-happy. Trying to figure things out, and totally digging the sunshine.

restless

I've been feeling impatient lately. Now, patience has never exactly been a virtue of mine, but the issue I've been dealing with lately is not being present because of my lack of patience. I have so many amazing things happening this summer, and I want them all to happen rightnow. Moving. Laura Jean and Dave's wedding. Starting the puppet job. The sun actually shining for more than 10 minutes. What is humorous about this, is that the past six months have FLOWN by, so what's waiting one more month to move? Another six weeks to start the puppet gig? Absolutely nothing. I've got an itch that summer 2008 is going to be great, I've just got to make sure I'm present for it.

gentrification, or feeling bad about stealing but doing it anyway

So, this morning before Quaker meeting, I was doing my daily blog-roll, which if you haven't noticed includes the delightfully satirical stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. The most recent entry refers to an New York Times article describing the conflict and conversation happening in the NE neighborhood surrounding the Alberta district. I found this article terribly interesting in light of my recent migration. Moving to Portland, I was looking to escape racism, but instead have found only a hyper-politically correct version of it. What follows is a collection of three different experiences/conversations/interactions that have brought this concern to the forefront of my heart and mind. 

About three weeks ago, I met someone in a semi-professional environment. We were just having a casual conversation and it came up that I'm from the south. Upon hearing this, she echoed a sentiment that I'd heard for the first time last summer, both in Portland and Vermont, that she is acutally "scared" of the south. This reverse-bigotry astounded me then and continues to baffle me. Obviously, I know how screwed-up the south is. I lived there for the first 22 years of my life. It is a complicated place, and the racial divide there is one of many factors that make it thus. Last summer, I found this comment made me defensive and actually proud (for the first time in my life) of being from the south. I now always say that I am glad I am from the south; I think it makes me more complicated. Growing up in the south, you learn about irony at a young age. There are contradictions everywhere and at every level of society. Many different kinds of people live in close proximity. Different neighborhoods, yes, but de-facto segregation is nothing new. The divide at this point seems more cultural than practical, which of course is a gross underestimation of the may factors that contribute to it, but alas, I digress. What I'm trying to say is, regardless of all the problems, people still interact, and if there's racism, it's known. It's not hidden. It's not a secret. That doesn't make it right, but there's an awareness that precludes denial. With a 7% African-American population in Portland, it is easy to espouse the best ways to deal with racial tension without actually doing anything about it, because basically, you don't have to.

But back to my friend.

I pushed her further as to why she is afraid of the south ad she described some of the normal bad things about the south (racism, fundamentalism, misogyny, etc.), but went on to say (with a chuckle and shake of her head) that she just wished she could sit down with people there and fix these problems.

I found this a) condescending and b) a vast under-estimation of the complexity of these problems. I attempted to make a polite rebuttal but it was neither the time nor place for a full on argument. The conversation ended with a mutual shrug.

Did I mention she was born and raised in Portland?

Then at meeting this morning, the first message was given by a beautifully spirited elder in the meeting. This woman's concern, warmth, and openness point to a life of kindness. I want so much to be like her at her age. Anyway, she spoke to her concern of the condition of Burma (Myanmar). She expressed her own internal conflict of recognizing the need for aid there, but the corrupt government preventing it. She shared her confusion of being unsure of how to respond. She proposed three options:

1) Doing nothing

2) Waiting until asked for aid to give it

3) Forcing our way in despite the political conditions.

She said she didn't know the right response because she didn't think there was one. What she was struggling with, she shared, was that she hoped to find a best if not right course of action.

Then at lunch today (a group of 9! Young Adult Friends gathered after meeting for lunch today. Super Fantastic!!), we started discussing a YAF conference that a couple of people had attended last weekend in Indiana. Somehow a conversation about community and diversity came up in a reference to both the queer and non-white communities both present and absent from their conference and our local gathering. One Friend went on to propose (quoting the sole black attendee of the conference) that if we want to see more people of different backgrounds in our meeting then we need to "reach out to them, welcome them to the table, and invite them to help us decide how the table is set." He is always quick with a beautiful metaphor, so I pushed him to discuss practically what that meant. Deftly skirting over any overt reference to a specific group, he proposed that if we wanted to see more people who owned canaries in meeting that we should call the canary owners in the community, invite those of the canary-owning persuasion to join us, welcome them into our group and listen to their canary-owning perspective, and invite them to join in the decision making process of our meeting.

While I see the truth and Quaker essence in this proposition, I find it somehow flawed as well. There is something inherently condescending in both my friends' propositions for improvement. They are both people I respect and value their opinions greatly, but their comments, to me, denoted a blindness to privilege that both prevents us from solving our own complaints (lack of diversity), an perpetuates a kind of bigotry in itself. 

I understand the need to actively reach out and listen to the voices that have been systematically oppressed in our culture and society, but I am tired of people of privilege and power making beautiful theoretical statements about the best way to fix other people's lives.

To me, it seems that people who crave "diversity" live farthest away from it. It also seems that these same people have a haphazard craving/need to surround themselves with people who are different from them. Similarly, it seems that all this inclusiveness is a guilt-laden reactionary response to make privileged people feel better about being privileged.

Attempting to atone for the sins of previous generations by reaching out to people of a specific race or class simply because they are different seems a perversion of intent. Conversely, it is also important to note that it is a gross misinterpretation of reality to deny that there is indeed a vast disconnect in our society between people of different races, socio-economic statuses, and sexual orientations.

I feel that in reaching out to people, we should reach out to all people. Yes, that includes people of different races, sexual-orientations, and socio-economic statuses paying special attention to any prejudices that may reside within ourselves. As a member of the majority, I feel it is my responsibility to be sensitive to the needs of others without assuming I know the best answers for them. The goal is to be inclusive while simultaneously respectful of differences. Is that possible? Like I said, this has been at the forefront of my heart and mind and I welcome any criticism or discussion this may spur. I am wrestling with this issue and am no where close to having a conclusion for this post.

boredom killer

better than facebook.

superawesomeamazingness

I could, quite possibly, be having the best week ever. So good, in fact that I've had no time to write about it. 

First, I got the puppet job. I'll be touring 'The Shoemaker and The Elves" at elementary schools in Washington state from September through May. This means a) I'll be doing my dream job. b) I'll get to spend almost every weekend home. c) I am going to be freaking buff because the entire show will be performed with my hands in the air (over my head, apparently). If you couldn't tell, I'm really really excited about this.

Secondly, PlayWrite has been amazing. The students, the process, the other coaches; what an incredible learning experience. There's something so extremely powerful about listening and giving voice to these kids, who people usually actively ignore. We've all done it right? Just ignore the the bum on the sidewalk, and pretend he's not there so we don't have to deal. PlayWrite does just the opposite. We're actively asking questions, listening, hearing these people. It was transformative. Today professional actors performed the scripts in front of a live audience. To see the look on Charlie's face as the actors realized his characters was nothing short of awesome, in the truest sense of the word. They've invited me to come back for more workshops and I can't wait. 

And, it's just a month until I'm back in SE with the lovely ladies of 44th Ave. Also, terribly exciting. Yay, for being in a whole house that I feel comfortable in, not just my room. Although these hallowed orange walls will be missed, I'm really looking forward to afternoon wine with Anna, eggs and toast with Sarah C., and consuming as much of Elsie's banana bread as possible. Anyone else notice that all of those references were food-related? Anyone surprised? I thought not. 

big wet portland kisses to all!

make it write.

So, before I get into my post, it needs to be said that momma came down for the weekend and we had a totally stellar weekend. Really a superb visit all around. We stayed busy doing a lot of stuff for the wedding and throwing Laura Jean a lingerie shower (I got totally trashed on cosmos and would be delighted to never see another in my life) and today we saw Barack Obama speak (along with about 75,000 of our closest friends). Beautiful (HOT) weather, perfect weekend. 

Okay, so last week I got a call from Sarah from the Nomadic Theater saying that she'd been working all week with an organization called PlayWrite. Basically, it is an organization that teaches playwriting to at-risk kids, as an outlet for creative expression, validation, and healing. Awesome, right? Then she told me that she'd been working with them last week primarily because one of the students they were working with was Deaf (she signs too), but that she could only work for half of the workshop because she had another commitment. So, she had given them my name and number! More Awesome! So, last week I asked off for the days and times of the workshop, and my boss actually agreed (more awesome). Tonight, I met with Lindsay, one of the founders, to go over logistics, details and their process. In short, I AM TOTALLY STOKED. And?!?! I'm going to get paid. Like $300, which is more than I normally make in a week. So, instead of taking a pay cut for this week because I thought this was a volunteer gig and could only figure out how to get about 15 hours at the clinic, I'm making more money, and doing something totally amazing and important and super fun. My life is freaking rad. 

things I freaking love about portland; post 1

This is going to be the first in a series of posts about the myriad of things that I love about this fine city. 

On my mind today: mail in voting!

I voted on Saturday. Yup, that's right. Saturday, just after breakfast in my pajamas. How did I do this you might ask? Because Oregon is friggin awesome and realized that most people are more likely to vote if they have the option of doing it in their pajamas. You register, they send you a ballot, you mail it back. Ah, democracy is delicious.

Secondly, not only was I a comfortable voter, I was an informed voter. Before this election, all of my voting decisions have been based on my own research, (lackluster, I'll admit) and in the absence of researching a specific candidate, voting for the candidate with the best name (you've done it too). But! Oregonians might just be the most informed voters in the country, because instead of standing in a voting booth only able to recall brightly colored yard-signs, we get a packet, yup a detailed packet (about 30 pages), in which each candidate submits their own information, and each ballot measure is described in detail (as well as what a "yes" and "no" vote actually means and its financial impact). 

So, while May 20th is the actual primary for Oregon, many of its voters have already cast their ballot. And I am one of them. 

And in case you were wondering, (or it wasn't glaringly obvious) I voted for hope.

everywhere at once.

I don't know if it's just the weather, but I've been missing Athens for a couple of weeks. It's not overwhelming and it's not constant, but every couple of days I feel a little longing for the classic city. But the more I think about it, I realize that as much as I miss a Taco Stand burrito (tofu, extra hot, with onions and peppers) or a boot of PBR at 283, or zucchini bread from ERC, (god, all food references, surprised anyone?) what I miss about all those places isn't the places themselves. It's getting Taco Stand as a reprieve from a rainy bike ride with Nina, or sitting outside on the patio of 283 with Matt, Megan Louise, and Lauren,  it's sharing a pot of tea with Helen at ERC and splurging for the zucchini bread. I miss the community I had in Athens, the places are just context. I was talking to Lauren this week and telling her about how much I miss Athens, but admitted that if I were there I'd probably be wondering what life would be like living in a place like Portland. 

And the thing is, my life is pretty great here. I'm building my community and chasing my dreams. Yeah, I'm broke, but how would I appreciate some day making $1,300 a month without making only $784 a month first? I had my audition with Tears of Joy on Wednesday and it went swimmingly. If I get that gig, I'd be touring elementary schools for 9 months from mid-August to mid-May, with periodic stops at home (never more than a month on the road). Which basically means that I'd be doing my dream job. Also, I'm moving back to SE (of Portland, not the country) with the lovely ladies of 1023 SE 44th Ave. Audrey is moving out (no drama, she just wants her own place), and they asked me to move back in. Although my orange room has been quite delightful, the rest of the house and living situation haven't quite lived up to my expectations. (Have I mentioned that my room-mates started dating each other a month after I moved in?) 

And although it's only 60 degrees outside, there's a bit of sunshine falling through my window, and for now, that's enough. 

p.s. be sure to scroll down and check out pictures from Running into Walls!

mortality

I am in really in it right now.

I had a friend die suddenly last week. Her name was Julia. God, it even feels strange to use the past tense there. I knew her from Quaker meeting. She was legally deaf and blind, although with the help of hearing aids and glasses, she could get by. I accompanied her grocery shopping since we lived in the same neighborhood. I enjoyed hanging out with her because it gave me an opportunity to practice my sign language. She was a math major at PSU. 

Of course none of that really describes who she was. 

It's also unclear whether her death was an accident. I suppose it's a mute point, but it only adds to my own confusion. 

I thought I understood death.

I know that we die. Everything dies. That's what gives life meaning-- the fact that it ends. But that's the abstract. I suppose I understand the concept of death.

But there's something infinitely mysterious about how someone can be, and then cease to be.

I'm overwhelmed by the fog of that mystery right now. 

I've been sad. I've cried. I've talked about it.

But now, I'm left with this feeling of nothingness. I'm having a difficult time getting motivated. My energy level is low, and I don't really feel anything. 

That's hard. 

I feel inarticulate. Blogging makes me acutely aware that I am not a writer. 

But I need to get this out of me. And if it's words on a screen, for now that will have to do. 

puppet

*edit: Pictures from Running into walls!!!

Anyone who knows me well enough to know my name, probably knows that I have three main interests:

1) puppets

2) sign-language

3) trapeze

Since arriving in Portland I have found a sign-language conversation partner via craigslist, and taken 

trapeze at DoJump (a Christmas gift from my mother that I was sad to see run out. I'm currently calculating how long it would take me to blow through my savings if I were to start spending it on trapeze...) But, alas my puppet longings were unsatisfied. 

Then I met the good folks at the Nomadic Theater Company, and by meet I mean I sent them an email saying I would lick stamps and build sets and sweep floors and do whatever they needed done. They were happy about this email, and welcomed me heartily. I've been helping them with their current production, Running into Walls, a clown show. I helped build sets, attended rehearsals, etc. 

Then one day I got an email from Sarah asking me to build puppets for their show! There's one short s

cene where their characters are climbing up the empire state building. Since it's a rather low-budge production, they thought it would be rad to have puppet versions of themselves climb the sides of the flat with the empire state building painted on it. Now, I love puppets but I'm pretty new to this interest. Case in point: I'd never built a puppet before. I take that back, I built a really cool puppet in the 4th grade with wire glasses... but that's beside the point. So, anyway I built the puppets (cut out of cardboard, covered in paper mache, and painted). And you want to know the amazing thing? They turned out great! Michael, Heather, and Sarah all loved them and I was pretty excited about it myself. 

And if that weren't enough, through these fine folks, I met the artistic director of the local puppetry theater Tears of Joy, and after sending her my resume on Friday, she emailed back yesterday, and I now have an interview/audition with them on May 7th! Other than the fact that I'm pretty out of practice in the audition department, I am COMPLETELY STOKED about this, especially the possibility that I may be able to pay my rent by playing with puppets instead of paper clips. 

In other news, I am ready for the rain to go away. And, I really don't like to wake up to the house swaying because my room mates are having sex with each other. But that, is an entirely different post altogether.

Hope y'all had a great earth day! 

cherry poppin' post

I moved to Portland December 29th, 2007. 

Since then, I have sublet a room with four of the most kick-ass ladies in stumptown. Found a job. Biked everywhere and at all hours. Taken trapeze on a different coast. Discovered Pho. Been surprised by Mt. Hood, and reminded of the big, big, everything. Started attending Quaker meetings. Hiked with my dog in Forrest Park. Helped my sister pick out her wedding dress. Drank my first Burgerville milkshake. Rented a video from Movie Madness. Bought 3 books from Powell's. Become a bus commuter. Weighed the pros and cons of cupcake jones vs. saint cupcake. Moved once. Got sick off an oyster shooter from the Montage. Painted my room orange. Exchanged a multitude of letters and postcards with my favorite people around the globe. Gotten free acupuncture. Lost 5 pounds. Built puppets for a clown show. Taken a picnic. Jumped in puddles. Registered to vote. 

And I've got to say that after only 4 months, I feel like I live here. 

That's pretty grand.