I had a friend die suddenly last week. Her name was Julia. God, it even feels strange to use the past tense there. I knew her from Quaker meeting. She was legally deaf and blind, although with the help of hearing aids and glasses, she could get by. I accompanied her grocery shopping since we lived in the same neighborhood. I enjoyed hanging out with her because it gave me an opportunity to practice my sign language. She was a math major at PSU.
Of course none of that really describes who she was.
It's also unclear whether her death was an accident. I suppose it's a mute point, but it only adds to my own confusion.
I thought I understood death.
I know that we die. Everything dies. That's what gives life meaning-- the fact that it ends. But that's the abstract. I suppose I understand the concept of death.
But there's something infinitely mysterious about how someone can be, and then cease to be.
I'm overwhelmed by the fog of that mystery right now.
I've been sad. I've cried. I've talked about it.
But now, I'm left with this feeling of nothingness. I'm having a difficult time getting motivated. My energy level is low, and I don't really feel anything.
That's hard.
I feel inarticulate. Blogging makes me acutely aware that I am not a writer.
But I need to get this out of me. And if it's words on a screen, for now that will have to do.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry. Losing a friend is very hard. We both know the old cliche that "life is too short" is, oh so true. You should be proud that you are living your dreams! Had it not been for your love of sign language and desire to continue learning, you possibly would have never met Julia. It sounds like she left a great impression on you, sounds like one of those life lessons, a light bulb moment per say. Sort of like one that someone you and I both know that helped me see the light. :) Thanks!!
Big Hugs!
Lori
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