ramblings of a lonely night

My life is uncomplicated. 

I have a lovely roof over my head, a comfortable bed, a sweet doggie, plenty of good food. Money is tight, but enough. I have a community, family, and friends who love and support me. I have a job doing what I love with some wonderful people. Check. Check. Check. Maslov would be proud. 

When things are going well, it gives one ample time to think of the big shit. Where am I going? Who am I becoming? What is this life that I'm building?

I just took Scout for a nighttime walk around my neighborhood. Things are quiet, but I can hear the lives of others going on around me. A few streets over people are going places. Next door, my neighbors are settling in for the night. 

My life is full. Complete? What is a complete life? 

I talk too much. I have always tried to fill the silence. And now, here I am in the silence filling a page. This has become a journal of sorts for me, so indulge, if you will dear reader, the ramblings of a lonely night. 

I have always been pretty self aware. A quality that serves me well in many facets but tonight is hard to turn off. I want to learn to shut up. I want to be a better listener. I want to be able to be present without the need to participate vocally. I feel painfully aware of my need to be found intelligent, relevant, quirky, interesting. I want to be. Just be. I know I have nothing to prove. Why do my adolescent tendencies sneak up on me when I am happy? It's like the habits of sadness remain after the feeling has gone. 

I am not yet the person I want to be. I'm okay with that, but can't sit with it. 

I like my life.

I love my life. 

It will change.

In a year, I may be living somewhere else. Doing other things. I know that's not remotely profound, but for some reason right now I am full of the bigness of that. 

I have no conclusion, but tonight I suppose that's a fitting place to stop.