spring forward! (sort of)

While the Eastern seaboard is getting blasted with wintry weather, in Portland we're enjoying our annual fake spring. Yep, we always get this weird 2 weeks of sporadic sunny weather and warm(er) temperatures for a couple of weeks mid February. I have to admit, although I'm jealous we only had a half a snow day this year, I have been REALLY appreciating the sun. Especially since I'm well aware that this is a limited window before the rain comes back full force.

Got a kind of light week with work, which may I also say is much needed and appreciated. Had yesterday as a make up for working a Saturday a few weeks ago, and just two shows (both in town, both after 10 am). This after about a month of solid shows. (A couple of weeks ago we did 15 shows in two weeks, with 4 mornings that started at 5 am. bleh.) Then just two more weeks until we're in town for 6 working on the new show! So excited. Need to start learning lines though...

Trying not to freak about finding a job in Atlanta next year. Hoping that my connections in the southern theater scene will pan out. Surprisingly (to me at least), I've decided that I want to continue working in theater. I've always been shy about making that sort of commitment, but I'm finally ready to do it. I don't need to perform though. I'd be extremely happy doing education, technical, or administrative work. We'll see. Also, I really really want to live alone again if possible, but understand it may not be feasible without knowing what I'll be doing.

A note on my move: After crunching the numbers about flight and shipping costs, I've decided to buy a car here in Portland and take another road trip to get home (for about the same price I can have an adventure rather than a long lousy flight). I have a friend who leads kyaking tours in the San Juans every summer, and can't well leave the Pacific Northwest before spending a little quality time up there. Then I'll head over to Bellingham for a day, then down 101 (I've always wanted to drive the length down the West Coast) with a little stop over in Ashland to take in some Shakespeare. Then dow to San Francisco and further to LA to visit my cousins. Then I want to take in the southwest and visit as many National Parks as humanly possible. Grand Canyon, Bryce, Zion, Arches, etc. before heading to Austin for a bit and then over to Atlanta and then up to the cabin for about a month. Last summer was all about visiting friends, this summer I want an adventure. I want to push myself to get out and meet people, to develop a small show to perform in parks, play my ukulele on street corners, hike, camp, and generally drink life in gulps. Big big gulps.

my show!

So, Jon and I did a couple of shows at community centers this weekend. Both shows had a couple of amateur photo buffs in the audience and they got some pretty great shots.

Ch-ch-ch-check it out.

up and up

So, things are going well. Back on cod-liver oil (yes, I take cod-liver oil, now with vitamin D!) and my pond scum and feeling flipping fantastic for it. Doing lots of shows, knitting lots, getting into Dr. Who (I've finally admitted I'm a closet fantasy/sci-fi geek), and writing lots and lots of letters. Mail is the best mood buster EVER. Seriously.

Saw Where the Wild Things Are last night with Goose-man and loved it. LOVED it. I thought it was beautiful and true, and gosh darn it, it was just good to get out of the house. Also, I love Laurelhurst. I'll miss it when I'm gone.

But, I'm done with the rain. DONE. And there are 4 more months of it. Joy.

That's about all. I'm a sleepy-Hannah, so I'm headed to bed early.

operation happy Hannah

Alright. I'm done with this depression business. What makes me happy? Cleaning, organizing, and planning. So, I've decided to apply these principles to my life.

Let's see, cleaning will include making sure I go back to a gluten free dairy free diet for a while. A cleanse, if you will. Ditto on cutting back on sugar, coffee, and alcohol. (sigh, I know this will help but this will be a bit more difficult).

When I think back to earlier this fall when I was deliriously happy, I remember that, hey, I was planning on spending 3 months at the cabin this summer. Plan hereby reinstated. And then I was going to move to Atlanta, try to get a job at the Center for Puppetry Arts and start ASL interpreter training. Check and check. Even if this doesn't happen, just having some plan in place allows me to breathe a little easier and shake the fog that's been clouding my head for over a month now.

This does mean adjusting my involvement in the project in Chicago to be more of a consultant and teacher, which is a-ok with director-man James and playwright Stephen. I'm thinking I'll spend a month; a couple of weeks before rehearsals start and a couple of weeks after, then back for the opening. Phew. Anxiety lifted.

It also helps that I've been taking Scout for long walks, and today, even though I had to get up at 5 am, it's SUNNY! I swear, the sun really is amazing, and makes all things seem easier.

I am completely aware that this blog chronicles my shifts from intense freak-out-age and planning and coping, but these are things I've realized I will be dealing with at least every three months for the rest of my life. It helps that I'm neurotic and actually do know what to do when I'm feeling ridiculously overwhelmed even if I have a hard time actually enacting those ideas.

Encouragement helps though. Send me some love!

musing

I am learning the difference between lonely and lonesome.

theme song

I'm going through a lot right now. It feels big and overwhelming and tiny all at the same time. And I'm feeling sad and excited and scared and alive. So, in general I detest song lyric blog postings, but I'm feeling self-indulgent. Humor me.

I Like Giants

(click to listen)

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me

But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said
What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
She said 'I like giants
Especially girl giants
Cause all girls feel too big sometimes
Regardless of their size'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
*I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head
you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
And I don't wanna make her cry
Cause I like giants

getting better at getting older

There are things in my life, (moods, tendencies) that I thought I'd grow out of. Grumpy days as well as totally freaking out about big life decisions. The latter is something I've been really struggling with lately.

When I decided to return to TOJ last year, it was made with the implication that it would be my last year. Now, half-way through that year, I've got some mighty strong senior-itis. I could wax poetic about the things I do not like about the way that TOJ is run, but basically that is a side rant to distract me from what's really at hand, which is figuring out what the sam hill I'm doing with my life next year.

In the midst of all of this I've been frustrated at the level of freak out/depression I've been experiencing the past three weeks. It's ridiculous. I am ashamed of how many times I sighed yesterday. I wish I no longer had to deal with these pesky moods. I'm entirely aware that they are immature, selfish, illogical, and completely unhelpful, but I'm helpless to the fact that they happen. I've realized that becoming an adult isn't so much growing out of these tendencies as learning how to cope with them.

So, this is what I've found helps.

1. friends. I've got some pretty rad friends who make me feel like a million bucks. Most of them live far away, which sucks, but phone+internet can come pretty darn close.

2. Remembering that it's always worked out in the past. I've been at a big decision, life changing 'what am I doing?' place before. It's always worked out. I have a safety net, savings, and a good head on my shoulders. New mantra: "It's all going to work out."

3. Reminding myself that this is waaaaay to early to be concerned. The earliest I'll actually have to do any deciding is October. That's a good 10 months away. Ten glorious months.

So, all I've actually decided (re-decided?) is that I'm going to focus on getting my ASL interpreter certification come fall. I've talked ad nauseum about it, and now it's time to put it into action. The thing is, if I ever reach a point like this again, it'd be nice to have that ace in my back pocket.

Now, I've just got to figure out where, and what my day job will be. Kendall is pulling hard for it to be Portland, but the last couple of days I've been considering Austin (restrain yourself Kathy). But just now, my friend David offered me a puppetry job if I were in Atlanta, so we'll see.

I don't know where I'll be this time next year and I'm trying to be okay with that. Because you know what? It's all going to work out just fine.