operation happy Hannah

Alright. I'm done with this depression business. What makes me happy? Cleaning, organizing, and planning. So, I've decided to apply these principles to my life.

Let's see, cleaning will include making sure I go back to a gluten free dairy free diet for a while. A cleanse, if you will. Ditto on cutting back on sugar, coffee, and alcohol. (sigh, I know this will help but this will be a bit more difficult).

When I think back to earlier this fall when I was deliriously happy, I remember that, hey, I was planning on spending 3 months at the cabin this summer. Plan hereby reinstated. And then I was going to move to Atlanta, try to get a job at the Center for Puppetry Arts and start ASL interpreter training. Check and check. Even if this doesn't happen, just having some plan in place allows me to breathe a little easier and shake the fog that's been clouding my head for over a month now.

This does mean adjusting my involvement in the project in Chicago to be more of a consultant and teacher, which is a-ok with director-man James and playwright Stephen. I'm thinking I'll spend a month; a couple of weeks before rehearsals start and a couple of weeks after, then back for the opening. Phew. Anxiety lifted.

It also helps that I've been taking Scout for long walks, and today, even though I had to get up at 5 am, it's SUNNY! I swear, the sun really is amazing, and makes all things seem easier.

I am completely aware that this blog chronicles my shifts from intense freak-out-age and planning and coping, but these are things I've realized I will be dealing with at least every three months for the rest of my life. It helps that I'm neurotic and actually do know what to do when I'm feeling ridiculously overwhelmed even if I have a hard time actually enacting those ideas.

Encouragement helps though. Send me some love!

musing

I am learning the difference between lonely and lonesome.

theme song

I'm going through a lot right now. It feels big and overwhelming and tiny all at the same time. And I'm feeling sad and excited and scared and alive. So, in general I detest song lyric blog postings, but I'm feeling self-indulgent. Humor me.

I Like Giants

(click to listen)

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me

But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said
What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
She said 'I like giants
Especially girl giants
Cause all girls feel too big sometimes
Regardless of their size'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
*I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head
you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
And I don't wanna make her cry
Cause I like giants

getting better at getting older

There are things in my life, (moods, tendencies) that I thought I'd grow out of. Grumpy days as well as totally freaking out about big life decisions. The latter is something I've been really struggling with lately.

When I decided to return to TOJ last year, it was made with the implication that it would be my last year. Now, half-way through that year, I've got some mighty strong senior-itis. I could wax poetic about the things I do not like about the way that TOJ is run, but basically that is a side rant to distract me from what's really at hand, which is figuring out what the sam hill I'm doing with my life next year.

In the midst of all of this I've been frustrated at the level of freak out/depression I've been experiencing the past three weeks. It's ridiculous. I am ashamed of how many times I sighed yesterday. I wish I no longer had to deal with these pesky moods. I'm entirely aware that they are immature, selfish, illogical, and completely unhelpful, but I'm helpless to the fact that they happen. I've realized that becoming an adult isn't so much growing out of these tendencies as learning how to cope with them.

So, this is what I've found helps.

1. friends. I've got some pretty rad friends who make me feel like a million bucks. Most of them live far away, which sucks, but phone+internet can come pretty darn close.

2. Remembering that it's always worked out in the past. I've been at a big decision, life changing 'what am I doing?' place before. It's always worked out. I have a safety net, savings, and a good head on my shoulders. New mantra: "It's all going to work out."

3. Reminding myself that this is waaaaay to early to be concerned. The earliest I'll actually have to do any deciding is October. That's a good 10 months away. Ten glorious months.

So, all I've actually decided (re-decided?) is that I'm going to focus on getting my ASL interpreter certification come fall. I've talked ad nauseum about it, and now it's time to put it into action. The thing is, if I ever reach a point like this again, it'd be nice to have that ace in my back pocket.

Now, I've just got to figure out where, and what my day job will be. Kendall is pulling hard for it to be Portland, but the last couple of days I've been considering Austin (restrain yourself Kathy). But just now, my friend David offered me a puppetry job if I were in Atlanta, so we'll see.

I don't know where I'll be this time next year and I'm trying to be okay with that. Because you know what? It's all going to work out just fine.

holi-daze

Alas, I am again remiss in chronicling my life. (sorry, Kathy) And, yet again it has something to do with my life being unbearably full. (Although in the last couple of weeks it's been mostly full of knitting and Gilmore Girls marathons, but that's beside the point).

So, I've probably been most avoiding writing this post because of the following drama. Not because it's all that awful, but just that since I've finally wrapped up the final pieces of it, repeating the story has become even more abhorrent, but I figure if I'm trying to preserve some sort of record of my life it ought to be included so here goes.

I totaled my car. In Seattle. 14 hours before I left for Christmas vacation.

In anticipation of the questions everyone has been asking me, I will preemptively answer all of them:

1) Yes, I'm fine. No, no one was hurt. Except the car. Not very difficult to total a '92 civic as it turns out.

2) I was in Seattle because I was traveling with Scout and wanted him to have the least amount of time necessary in the cargo hold (for his nerves and mine). I was crashing at a friend's house and on my way to see a play produced by the kind soul and who was taking me to the airport in the morning. (Thankfully, Scout was not in the car). As it was Seattle, it was raining. An Explorer full of 16 year old boys slammed on their brakes, as did I. My brakes locked up and I skidded into them bending their bumper and crushing my Betty. They were all quite kind, the cops were swell, and the tow truck guy even helped me out with storing the car while I was out of town (this turned out to be not as simple as anticipated, but worked out in the end).

3) Yes, I got a ticket. $175. I don't want to talk about it. Expected, but still annoying.

4) No, I'm not getting another car. At least not right now. Portland is an easy city not to have a car in, and seeing as both work and my boyfriend are within a mile radius of my house, it hasn't been that big of an adjustment. Bonus: that whole, being more active in the new year thing has been terribly easy, and Scout is loving the long walks to the post office and co-op. I'd been hankering for a truck lately anyway, so if/when I do decide to invest, I'm thinking of a Tacoma. But for now, I'm going to enjoy the extra $100 or so a month I spent on gas and insurance. Also, it looks like I'll be doing a better job of living up to the title of this blog.

5) Also, the owner of the car (not, as it turns out the family of the driver. a family friend) told me not to worry about repairs, since it only marred his bumper. So, somehow I got out of the whole ordeal only down the cost of the ticket. Well, that and the whole not having a car anymore thing.

Unfortunately, this put a slight damper on my holiday as I was unable to take care of any of this from North Carolina. Also, it was just kind of a weird holiday in general. LJ and Dave went to his folks for Christmas, so it was just me, mom, and Greg on Christmas day. Aaaaand, for reasons (they both said they had their reasons) neither of my parents put up Christmas decorations. Or music. Correction: that is, until I woke up Christmas morning and cried from stress and frustration and mom finally broke down and pulled out one box of decorations to appease my headonistic soul. I think the whole, "I don't believe in Jesus any more, so that makes the decorations all the more important" really got to her. All in all, it was just a weird holiday. Kind of awful really, and I was just a peach to my family, so kudos and many thanks for putting up with my tantrums dear loved ones. Mom pulled some magic and got me home a couple of days early just so I could take care of things.

So, I got home, took care of the car stuff as best I could manage, (Kendall rented a car and drove all the way up to Seattle when he had to work the next day just to rescue me. He's a white knight, that one.) I then promptly came home and fell ill. It was just a nasty cold, but it had me laid out for a couple of days. Went back to work this week, and am still getting back in the swing of things. In a bit of a mid year slump. That is, when I'm not paralyzed in fear about what I'm going to do with myself next year after Chicago. I have a couple of options I'm weighing, but am still primarily freaked out on a daily basis, and have been letting this get in the way of me functioning in any social capacity. (See previous comment about knitting and Gilmore Girls). The list of people I've been meaning to call is a mile long, but it's hard to get up the nerve to connect with people, even those you like, when all you feel like doing is whining.

Kendall and I are doing well. We've been spending a lot of time together lately, and after me freaking out a little (as I am wont to do) we're pulling back a little. I really don't want to mess this up. He makes me feel lucky.

Scout is the light of my life, as always.

So, that gets things current. Hopefully, I'll feel compelled to update again before another month has passed. 'Til then, love to all!

fall

So, it appears it's been a whopping 6 weeks since my last post. Sheesh.

Tour is going swimmingly. Jon is great. The show is great. I love my job even though I'm looking forward to tour being over again. This weekend we did two shows of Peter and the Wolf with the Columbia Symphony Orchestra, and guess what kids? I was Peter! I really missed getting to be the duck (and the cat, and grandpa, and the bird...) but I think we kicked some major ass considering we only had 3 (count 'em THREE) rehearsals. Did I mention the second show was in Spanish? And that I got to be on Univision? This week and next it's back on the road.

Living situation = fantastic. Goose is the best room mate ever. I totally dig living in NE, and am quite in love with this little unfinished blue house. Set to intentionally hang out with Goose again soon seeing as that never happens anymore. He suggested it today after coming to see my show and it warmed my little heart. Yay happy living situation.

Spent a week in NYC with the sister and bro-in-law. Good to see them, but damn that is one tiny apartment. LJ made a veritable feast for both my birthday (southern style feast complete with homemade red velvet cake!) and Thanksgiving. Got to see Buck 5 times in one week which made my year.

Aaaaaand, back in Portland, there's a boy. All new, and totally official. He went to high school with my tour partner Jon and we met at a party a while back at his house. We've been dating just shy of a month and made things official this week. He's terribly kind, and considerate, silly, creative, smart, and comfortable. We fit and it makes me gushy happy. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. Like years. So that's all kinds of good.

And last but certainly not least, I've been asked to design and build puppets for a show in Chicago! For a professional theater! And I said yes! My good friend James is in grad school in Illinois and will be directing a new folk-punk musical called Stalk. It has puppets in it and he's asked me to do them. I've accepted and ridden the incredible rollercoaster of "holy shit how can I possibly pull this off?!? I've never done this before in my life! I have no idea what I'm doing..." to "hells yeah. I'm a pro and can totally do this in the key of AWESOME! I am competent and skilled" We're talking budgets and sketches, and it's actually happening. They're set for an October opening, so my entire summer (instead, alas of being at the cabin) will be spend designing and building the show between here and the Wagoner's basement. Then I've lined up a couchsurf with good friend Megan in Chi-town while I finish up building and teaching the actors to become puppeteers in early September, and then, who the hell knows? This is an absolutely amazing opportunity and I'm effing thrilled to be a part of this process.

So that's a rough sketch of the past month and a half or so. Basically, things are great and I'm continuing to excel at this life thing. Oh, and I had a birthday. I'm 25 now, so I guess that means I'm officially an adult. Who knew adulthood could look like this? Yippee!

all at once

Last week, I decided to be Joan from Mad Men for Halloween and dyed my hair red in a hotel room in Wenatchee, Washington. It, not surprisingly, looked like a four year old had done it, so Saturday I threw down some major cash to get it fixed. It looks pretty firey now, and I'm still adjusting to life as a red-head.

Sunday, Brian and Jon from work were super-heroes and helped me move into my new place. We, amazingly, did it all in one trip (except for a few things I'm going to pick up by car in the next week or so). I'm all moved in and loving living in NE. Goose is a fantastic room mate, $350 for rent is quite nice, and living 5 minutes to and from work is hard to beat.

Then, I got a bug in my brain in the past 24 hours about grad school. Part of it was looking up Deaf Theaters on a whim last night, part of it was looking at some of LJ's pics from grad school, and just thinking about what I really want to do. I've thought a lot about integrating puppets with Deaf Theater, but for some reason had always considered an entertainment/education model as opposed to an outreach program. Today, I started thinking about theater as a tool for education, community building, expression, and linguistic development for Deaf children. How naturally puppets and dance would fit into an outreach program. Also, that grad school would be the perfect forum to develop a model program for my thesis that I could potentially continue with grant support after receiving my degree.

So, I started looking at grad programs. Educational theater programs, interdisciplinary studies programs, MFAs in theater for youth... then I stumbled across this. First of all, just the name makes me drool. Performance as Public Practice? A phrase that succinctly describes my operating theory of creativity as a mode of being, expression, and engagement. Secondly, it seems to have the structure, context, and support I would need, while being open ended enough to allow me to develop my own program of study. Third, it's in Austin! A place I've already toyed with moving because it's close to family, and as a city is pretty stinking rad.

Phew. Exciting to say the very least.

To achieve my goals though, I still want to get certified as an ASL interpreter before moving forward with this, which at this point still means Atlanta for at least the next two years.

The cool thing, is that as I was thinking about applying, I realized that everything I've done up to this point actually contributes to this goal. Bread and Puppet, Playwright, Tears of Joy... I have learned about/participated in community engagement in theater, theater as a tool for social change, theater as a tool for personal development and growth, and entertaining and educational puppetry. I have experience leading workshops in puppetry, performance, movement, character, and playwriting. It is really pretty great to realize there really hasn't been a time since I left college during which I wasn't actively pursuing my insanely varied interests. All of which have lead me to here, now.

So, I'm really feeling in it right now. My ideas about the life and work I want to create are constantly evolving, and I've got to say realizing how all the pieces fit together is pretty neat.