I could write here about mom's visit and how we learned a lot, loved a lot, and differentiated a lot. Or how 5 blissful days of real spring (read: 70s and sunny complete with birdies and flower buds) have reminded me why anyone lives in this town the other 8 months of the year. Or how I completed a really fun run of a great show in a real theater downtown (complete with huge and unflattering picture of yours truly in the paper). Or how my office has the crappiest management style ever, but that I am still coming back to work there next year. Or that I'm really getting excited about my trip this summer, especially the fact that Joe gets to come along from Chicago to Atlanta. But none of that is where I'm at right now, so I'm not gonna write that post.
The past few days I've been feeling, and I mean in the depths of my bones, the need to reorganize, refocus, reevaluate. I realized that I'm unhappy. All the big stuff is in order: great house (check), sweet boy (CHECK), great job (check), but the details, the little stuff, is falling apart (or already has and I'm just now realizing it) and it's bringing some of the big picture stuff to the forefront.
Yes, I love my job and I am thrilled about touring with Jonathan again next year, but the fact is that touring prevents me from leading the life that I want (building community, having routine, taking classes, etc.) It makes it very difficult for me to feel healthy physically or emotionally. This is a challenge that I still haven't figured out yet.
Yes, I have good housemates and the sweetest little house ever but I've realized that we really are more housemates than friends and that I would really like the house to be cleaner. (big surprise, right? Spring cleaning happening tonight, which I am hoping will reset these feelings).
Yes, Joe is so great, but the future is always on my periphery, and is constantly changing. I had started looking ahead with Joe in mind. Partially because I care deeply about him and can genuinely see building my life with him, and partially because LJ got engaged when she was 24, and hell's bells everyone I freaking know is getting married or already is. But you know what? Even though I've always expected that I would get married and have babies and unconsciously believed that those two things would be the end all be all of my life, I AM SO NOT THERE. And I don't know when or if I will be. That's right, if. I'm trying to deconstruct all of these assumptions I've had about what my life will be like, and it's hard. Hard. Joe is amazing, and I am so thankful and humbled to have him be in my life, but where we are right now has to be enough, and it is. I just have to stop getting ahead of myself.
So this is what I want; it's not a new list or even that revolutionary, but I'm finding that my oscillation between having my shit together and having it scattered to the winds happens often enough that having it written down never seems to hurt.
I wan to be healthy. I want to be physically active and capable and expressive. I want to eat foods that I enjoy and fuel my body. I've started running, and am hoping to carry this through the summer and tour next year.
I want to be dancing and/or trapez-ing. If I'm not, a part of my soul dies. Period.
I want to be exercising my mind. Since discovering holds at the library I've been reading a lot. I've already read more books this year than I did all last year. Check plus for me.
I want to get certified as an ASL interpreter. This is priority numero uno after next year's tour.
I want to live near family. Austin, Atlanta, or Western Carolina.
I want to be creative everyday. New ukelele is awesome and helps in this department. Also, determined to have a knitting project on my needles at all times.
I want to connect. I miss having a solid community of friends, and think this is just about the most important thing in life.
I want to be a professional puppeteer. Check. Considering alternatives for life after Tears of Joy. Center for Puppetry Arts? UConn for MFA? Start my own company?
Phew. I just hung a bunch of pictures in my room of friends from college, and bread and puppet, and family and honestly, it helps just to have those faces around me. Reminding me that I can do this, I have done it before and will do it again, and I am not, I am NOT alone.
2 comments:
No one is less alone than you, little niecy. I can hardly wait to see you!!
I have to tell you a little story about those birdies that we are so excited to welcome back into our yards.
Uncle Wayne and I were sitting outside last weekend and he kept telling me that he saw a mountain bluebird. Couldn't be, I told him, cause they just don't come here (they are from out west, but do, from time to time, stray to visit someone lucky like us). He kept saying "there it is!" and I missed it every time. That is, until I went into the house to get us some water. When I walked back outside, there was the tiny, beautiful mountain bluebird, deader than a doornail, because he/she had just flown full speed into the slider. I was so depressed. I called DaddyJack and asked him what to do. He said Nanny often had redbirds do the same at her house. She would go out and gather the bird in her hands and blow gently in it's face, sometimes with success. This I did, but to no avail. We sent the little creature to see his maker, and had a somber evening.
The next day, we were taking our walk past the elementary school down the street and noticed a group of children with their teacher, going outside to do something. I remarked to Uncle Wayne that they had probably heard of sitings of the mountain bluebird in the area and wanted to see if they could be successful in spotting one. I could have told them that wasn't going to happen!!
On a happy note, I am proud to announce that we are the proud grandparents of 3 cardinal hatchlings, which were also flitting happily across the yard this week.
Was that a fascinating story?
I love you!! Come see me!!
Whoa Hannah! That's a lot on your mind. If you ever do decide to get married to someone, I don't recommend immediately moving cross-country, changing jobs, and moving in together for the first time all at once. Just saying. ;)
I love you! I can't wait for our roadtrip too!
(and Austin, ATL, and Western Carolina are at the top of my list too...Portland is 'ffing sweet, but I miss my people down South).
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