big gulp

Wow, the last week has been a total blur. 

Last Friday, Jon and I had our last show. It was bitter sweet. About half-way through I really realized that I'd never get to do it again. We've done something like 150 shows! The end of an era. We took a bunch of pictures after the show, and celebrated at the Horse Brass with our fellow puppeteers once we got back to stump-town.

In other news, I've decided to stop drinking for a while. I know this is probably really bad timing seeing as I'm about to embark on a road trip where I'm going to want to celebrate reunions all over the country, but basically, it's expensive, not that great for me. Meh? We'll see.

Over the weekend, Joe and I took a fantastic day trip to the coast (a little precursor to the big one coming up). Other weekend activities included teaching Joe how to drive a stick shift and enjoying the delicious sunshine that has been drenching Portland recently. 

This week, I've been getting things in order for my trip. I've decided to leave on Sunday rather than Monday because I think I was cutting my timeline a little close. That way, I'm going to give myself an entire week to get to Chicago. If you're interested in my updated calendar you can see it here: http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=annahhay%40gmail.com&ctz=America/Los_An

geles 

I've been just writing lists, and trying to cross all my t's so that I don't forget anything. Strangely it hasn't been stressful at all. I guess I already did most of the work, but I still feel like I'm forgetting something because this is so easy.

Eeeeee! I can't believe I'm leaving so soon. I'm so excited about seeing friends and family and the big beauty of this great nation. Expect frequent updates from the road, and if you so desire, give me a call. I'll have LOTs of time on my hands. 

holy jamole

I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. Only two shows left, about two weeks from my departure date for my trip, and I've started reading science fiction about vampires. What?! 

big picture stuff

Wow. A whole month without a post. 

I could write here about mom's visit and how we learned a lot, loved a lot, and differentiated a lot. Or how 5 blissful days of real spring (read: 70s and sunny complete with birdies and flower buds) have reminded me why anyone lives in this town the other 8 months of the year. Or how I completed a really fun run of a great show in a real theater downtown (complete with huge and unflattering picture of yours truly in the paper). Or how my office has the crappiest management style ever, but that I am still coming back to work there next year. Or that I'm really getting excited about my trip this summer, especially the fact that Joe gets to come along from Chicago to Atlanta. But none of that is where I'm at right now, so I'm not gonna write that post. 

The past few days I've been feeling, and I mean in the depths of my bones, the need to reorganize, refocus, reevaluate. I realized that I'm unhappy. All the big stuff is in order: great house (check), sweet boy (CHECK), great job (check), but the details, the little stuff, is falling apart (or already has and I'm just now realizing it) and it's bringing some of the big picture stuff to the forefront. 

Yes, I love my job and I am thrilled about touring with Jonathan again next year, but the fact is that touring prevents me from leading the life that I want (building community, having routine, taking classes, etc.) It makes it very difficult for me to feel healthy physically or emotionally. This is a challenge that I still haven't figured out yet. 

Yes, I have good housemates and the sweetest little house ever but I've realized that we really are more housemates than friends and that I would really like the house to be cleaner. (big surprise, right? Spring cleaning happening tonight, which I am hoping will reset these feelings). 

Yes, Joe is so great, but the future is always on my periphery, and is constantly changing. I had started looking ahead with Joe in mind. Partially because I care deeply about him and can genuinely see building my life with him, and partially because LJ got engaged when she was 24, and hell's bells everyone I freaking know is getting married or already is. But you know what? Even though I've always expected that I would get married and have babies and unconsciously believed that those two things would be the end all be all of my life, I AM SO NOT THERE. And I don't know when or if I will be. That's right, if. I'm trying to deconstruct all of these assumptions I've had about what my life will be like, and it's hard. Hard. Joe is amazing, and I am so thankful and humbled to have him be in my life, but where we are right now has to be enough, and it is. I just have to stop getting ahead of myself. 

So this is what I want; it's not a new list or even that revolutionary, but I'm finding that my oscillation between having my shit together and having it scattered to the winds happens often enough that having it written down never seems to hurt. 

I wan to be healthy. I want to be physically active and capable and expressive. I want to eat foods that I enjoy and fuel my body. I've started running, and am hoping to carry this through the summer and tour next year. 

I want to be dancing and/or trapez-ing. If I'm not, a part of my soul dies. Period. 

I want to be exercising my mind. Since discovering holds at the library I've been reading a lot. I've already read more books this year than I did all last year. Check plus for me.

I want to get certified as an ASL interpreter. This is priority numero uno after next year's tour. 

I want to live near family. Austin, Atlanta, or Western Carolina. 

I want to be creative everyday. New ukelele is awesome and helps in this department. Also, determined to have a knitting project on my needles at all times. 

I want to connect. I miss having a solid community of friends, and think this is just about the most important thing in life. 

I want to be a professional puppeteer. Check. Considering alternatives for life after Tears of Joy. Center for Puppetry Arts? UConn for MFA? Start my own company? 

Phew. I just hung a bunch of pictures in my room of friends from college, and bread and puppet, and family and honestly, it helps just to have those faces around me. Reminding me that I can do this, I have done it before and will do it again, and I am not, I am NOT alone. 

in town

Yay, I'm in Portland for a month and it makes me happy. 

List of things that make me happy:

1) getting to see Joe! (even better when he makes me breakfast, we work on my bike, and watch math documentaries in between searching the depths of our souls and growing emotionally and all that). He is rad (and brilliant, and silly, and focused, and so kind and loving and considerate. I'm a lucky Hannah.)

2) Scout! (a very close second to the bf. even better to catch the two of them snuggling.)

3) the library! I've become a voracious reader lately thanks to the library and this lovely little thing called putting things on hold. I've read 4 more books by Chris Bohjalian this month, David Sedaris' newest collection, and just started Derrick Jensen's A Language Older Than Words. (I felt obligated to make a list as I've not updated my GoodReads page in ages.)

4) BIKING. 

5) Getting to perform in a real theater. Like with fancy lights and a black floor and seats that people pay for. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job bringing the puppets to the kids in cafetoriums across the land, but I've gotta say, it's pretty freakin' sweet to be treated like a professional every once and again.

6) My house. My bed. My kitchen. My lovely housemates. Having a home and a community. 

happy happy Hannah. Life is good.

yesterday was the best

Yesterday we did a show at a school with the Deaf Education program for the county so I not only got to do 2 shows (WITH WORKING EQUIPTMENT, rock on), but I got to go to their classroom and introduce them to the story and puppets in ASL. Followed by a lovely drive back up to Bellingham, tasty food, good cheap wine, chattin' on the tele-phone with the bf, and socialization with Amanda and friends, and bed-time Dr. Who. Purdy awesome.

Starting with Sunday, I'm in town for a month. More awesome.

Now, onward post-sleeping in brunch and two more shows. Huzzah!

jonesin' for the southland

So, last night after I'd checked into a crappy hotel in ARMPIT OF AMERICA otherwise known as Puyallup, Washington, I flicked on the tele to zone out. Yeah, this is why I don't own an idiot box, because I'd actually do this more frequently if I did. Regardless, I was flipping through, and came across a travel show about hot dogs... Yup, hot dogs. And in the intro they showed a clip from the Varsity (of course) and so I watched a 30 minute show about hot dogs just to watch the 5 minute segment about the Varsity. And I nearly cried. For serious. 

It continues to amaze me that I actually miss Atlanta at all, and how sharp that's getting. Granted I haven't visited in over a year, but still. The list I could make about things I hate about that place is loooong, but today I had the funny thought that I might actually end back there someday. And that wouldn't be the end of the world. It's kind of how I thought I would never in a million years go to UGA and then ended up having a really great experience there. It would amuse me to no end if I made a home for myself in the place that I can't stop running from. 

Ya see, besides a cache of my favorite people in the world living there, there is the minor bit about the Center for Puppetry Arts being there. Yeah, like THE place for puppets in the 'ole US of A. Ironic, huh? Ah, this life thing, never fails to surprise me. 

I am counting the days until my roadtrip (constantly evolving, new update: Not doing the O'Neil. One puppet conference is enough for this summer). I am at a weird place in Portland. I have realized that it actually makes me uncomfortable to be living in a place not only of such uniform thought, but thought that so closely aligns with my own. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm craving some conservatives. Girl needs to be challenged. Girl needs some diversity, ya herd? Also, I'm not exactly deepening the connections I have here (because I'm working all the damn time, and honestly the only people I see these days are Joe, my housemates, work folks, and folks from Meeting all of whom I love, but still...). At the same time all of these people that I love, and I mean that in a would walk-in-front-of-a-bus-for kind of way, aren't here. And I'm barely maintaining friendships with them. The time difference really messes with my ability to keep up with people, and I've just done a crappy job at it of late. Le sigh. Needless to say, I am Very VERY excited about this summer and can feel my expectations rising like a thermometer in Georgia in July. 

So if you're reading this, and live far away, this is for you. A little love letter from my little rainy home away from home. I don't think I could have said it better than my beautiful, talented, makes-me-laugh-'til-I-snort, kindred spirit friend, Lauren. Big love, y'all. Big love.

overworked and unafraid

So, I haven't had 2 consecutive days off in over a month. I'm tired. A bit cranky. My batteries need rechargin'. Even those of us who love what we do can't do it ALL THE FEAKING TIME. Ahem. Did I mention cranky?

Next month is looking better. Had a little chat with my boss. Everyone is afraid of her because Sweet Momma J has a few Jeckyl/Hyde tendencies. I am really not afraid of her. This makes me a bit of a minority in my office.

Planning to try to get away next weekend perhaps. Dipping into savings for my own sanity seems worth it right now. (A note: the only way I have any savings right now is that I've got some crazy generous grandparents, aaaaand once I put money in my savings account I pretend it's not there. Until times like these, that is.)

I needs sleep and love. Sleep and love. Is that too much to ask for? I think not.