big picture stuff

Wow. A whole month without a post. 

I could write here about mom's visit and how we learned a lot, loved a lot, and differentiated a lot. Or how 5 blissful days of real spring (read: 70s and sunny complete with birdies and flower buds) have reminded me why anyone lives in this town the other 8 months of the year. Or how I completed a really fun run of a great show in a real theater downtown (complete with huge and unflattering picture of yours truly in the paper). Or how my office has the crappiest management style ever, but that I am still coming back to work there next year. Or that I'm really getting excited about my trip this summer, especially the fact that Joe gets to come along from Chicago to Atlanta. But none of that is where I'm at right now, so I'm not gonna write that post. 

The past few days I've been feeling, and I mean in the depths of my bones, the need to reorganize, refocus, reevaluate. I realized that I'm unhappy. All the big stuff is in order: great house (check), sweet boy (CHECK), great job (check), but the details, the little stuff, is falling apart (or already has and I'm just now realizing it) and it's bringing some of the big picture stuff to the forefront. 

Yes, I love my job and I am thrilled about touring with Jonathan again next year, but the fact is that touring prevents me from leading the life that I want (building community, having routine, taking classes, etc.) It makes it very difficult for me to feel healthy physically or emotionally. This is a challenge that I still haven't figured out yet. 

Yes, I have good housemates and the sweetest little house ever but I've realized that we really are more housemates than friends and that I would really like the house to be cleaner. (big surprise, right? Spring cleaning happening tonight, which I am hoping will reset these feelings). 

Yes, Joe is so great, but the future is always on my periphery, and is constantly changing. I had started looking ahead with Joe in mind. Partially because I care deeply about him and can genuinely see building my life with him, and partially because LJ got engaged when she was 24, and hell's bells everyone I freaking know is getting married or already is. But you know what? Even though I've always expected that I would get married and have babies and unconsciously believed that those two things would be the end all be all of my life, I AM SO NOT THERE. And I don't know when or if I will be. That's right, if. I'm trying to deconstruct all of these assumptions I've had about what my life will be like, and it's hard. Hard. Joe is amazing, and I am so thankful and humbled to have him be in my life, but where we are right now has to be enough, and it is. I just have to stop getting ahead of myself. 

So this is what I want; it's not a new list or even that revolutionary, but I'm finding that my oscillation between having my shit together and having it scattered to the winds happens often enough that having it written down never seems to hurt. 

I wan to be healthy. I want to be physically active and capable and expressive. I want to eat foods that I enjoy and fuel my body. I've started running, and am hoping to carry this through the summer and tour next year. 

I want to be dancing and/or trapez-ing. If I'm not, a part of my soul dies. Period. 

I want to be exercising my mind. Since discovering holds at the library I've been reading a lot. I've already read more books this year than I did all last year. Check plus for me.

I want to get certified as an ASL interpreter. This is priority numero uno after next year's tour. 

I want to live near family. Austin, Atlanta, or Western Carolina. 

I want to be creative everyday. New ukelele is awesome and helps in this department. Also, determined to have a knitting project on my needles at all times. 

I want to connect. I miss having a solid community of friends, and think this is just about the most important thing in life. 

I want to be a professional puppeteer. Check. Considering alternatives for life after Tears of Joy. Center for Puppetry Arts? UConn for MFA? Start my own company? 

Phew. I just hung a bunch of pictures in my room of friends from college, and bread and puppet, and family and honestly, it helps just to have those faces around me. Reminding me that I can do this, I have done it before and will do it again, and I am not, I am NOT alone. 

in town

Yay, I'm in Portland for a month and it makes me happy. 

List of things that make me happy:

1) getting to see Joe! (even better when he makes me breakfast, we work on my bike, and watch math documentaries in between searching the depths of our souls and growing emotionally and all that). He is rad (and brilliant, and silly, and focused, and so kind and loving and considerate. I'm a lucky Hannah.)

2) Scout! (a very close second to the bf. even better to catch the two of them snuggling.)

3) the library! I've become a voracious reader lately thanks to the library and this lovely little thing called putting things on hold. I've read 4 more books by Chris Bohjalian this month, David Sedaris' newest collection, and just started Derrick Jensen's A Language Older Than Words. (I felt obligated to make a list as I've not updated my GoodReads page in ages.)

4) BIKING. 

5) Getting to perform in a real theater. Like with fancy lights and a black floor and seats that people pay for. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job bringing the puppets to the kids in cafetoriums across the land, but I've gotta say, it's pretty freakin' sweet to be treated like a professional every once and again.

6) My house. My bed. My kitchen. My lovely housemates. Having a home and a community. 

happy happy Hannah. Life is good.

yesterday was the best

Yesterday we did a show at a school with the Deaf Education program for the county so I not only got to do 2 shows (WITH WORKING EQUIPTMENT, rock on), but I got to go to their classroom and introduce them to the story and puppets in ASL. Followed by a lovely drive back up to Bellingham, tasty food, good cheap wine, chattin' on the tele-phone with the bf, and socialization with Amanda and friends, and bed-time Dr. Who. Purdy awesome.

Starting with Sunday, I'm in town for a month. More awesome.

Now, onward post-sleeping in brunch and two more shows. Huzzah!

jonesin' for the southland

So, last night after I'd checked into a crappy hotel in ARMPIT OF AMERICA otherwise known as Puyallup, Washington, I flicked on the tele to zone out. Yeah, this is why I don't own an idiot box, because I'd actually do this more frequently if I did. Regardless, I was flipping through, and came across a travel show about hot dogs... Yup, hot dogs. And in the intro they showed a clip from the Varsity (of course) and so I watched a 30 minute show about hot dogs just to watch the 5 minute segment about the Varsity. And I nearly cried. For serious. 

It continues to amaze me that I actually miss Atlanta at all, and how sharp that's getting. Granted I haven't visited in over a year, but still. The list I could make about things I hate about that place is loooong, but today I had the funny thought that I might actually end back there someday. And that wouldn't be the end of the world. It's kind of how I thought I would never in a million years go to UGA and then ended up having a really great experience there. It would amuse me to no end if I made a home for myself in the place that I can't stop running from. 

Ya see, besides a cache of my favorite people in the world living there, there is the minor bit about the Center for Puppetry Arts being there. Yeah, like THE place for puppets in the 'ole US of A. Ironic, huh? Ah, this life thing, never fails to surprise me. 

I am counting the days until my roadtrip (constantly evolving, new update: Not doing the O'Neil. One puppet conference is enough for this summer). I am at a weird place in Portland. I have realized that it actually makes me uncomfortable to be living in a place not only of such uniform thought, but thought that so closely aligns with my own. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm craving some conservatives. Girl needs to be challenged. Girl needs some diversity, ya herd? Also, I'm not exactly deepening the connections I have here (because I'm working all the damn time, and honestly the only people I see these days are Joe, my housemates, work folks, and folks from Meeting all of whom I love, but still...). At the same time all of these people that I love, and I mean that in a would walk-in-front-of-a-bus-for kind of way, aren't here. And I'm barely maintaining friendships with them. The time difference really messes with my ability to keep up with people, and I've just done a crappy job at it of late. Le sigh. Needless to say, I am Very VERY excited about this summer and can feel my expectations rising like a thermometer in Georgia in July. 

So if you're reading this, and live far away, this is for you. A little love letter from my little rainy home away from home. I don't think I could have said it better than my beautiful, talented, makes-me-laugh-'til-I-snort, kindred spirit friend, Lauren. Big love, y'all. Big love.

overworked and unafraid

So, I haven't had 2 consecutive days off in over a month. I'm tired. A bit cranky. My batteries need rechargin'. Even those of us who love what we do can't do it ALL THE FEAKING TIME. Ahem. Did I mention cranky?

Next month is looking better. Had a little chat with my boss. Everyone is afraid of her because Sweet Momma J has a few Jeckyl/Hyde tendencies. I am really not afraid of her. This makes me a bit of a minority in my office.

Planning to try to get away next weekend perhaps. Dipping into savings for my own sanity seems worth it right now. (A note: the only way I have any savings right now is that I've got some crazy generous grandparents, aaaaand once I put money in my savings account I pretend it's not there. Until times like these, that is.)

I needs sleep and love. Sleep and love. Is that too much to ask for? I think not.

busy busy, road trip, good stuff

Hey, so guess what? I'm busy. Big surprise there. 

So, my life is split between rehearsing, performing, unloading and loading vans that break (two last week alone), learning lines, walking scout, Quaker-ing, hanging out at home, and spending time with my b-b-b-b-boy friend. Yep, kids after a month or so we've made it official. Mr. Narvaez is my bf. 

So, for all of you waiting with baited breath: He's 27. Ecuadorian born, Miami raised. Did undergrad in Communication and Peace Studies with a minor in Women's studies at Loyola in Chicago. Did Americorps teaching ESL in Portland and is now in Oregon Tech's Sustainable Engineering program. He wants start a green non-profit training low-income people of color in practical skills to become certified in green building techniques so that they can enter the green revolution aaaand pull themselves out of poverty. He's interned at Green for All, and Van Jones even offered him a job. But besides all that, he's a man. He's got his shit together, knows what he wants, and has like, emotional boundaries and can communicate. He makes me feel like I'm sacred and beautiful and worthwhile. He's brilliant, but can be silly and snuggles like a champ. Did I mention that he's really cute? Swoon. And he's teaching me Spanish. Me gusta bailar!

So, other than being crazy busy with work and totally falling for a great guy, I'm planning the most epic of all epic road trips. It includes visiting all people and places I've neglected in recent months/years as well as 2 puppetry conferences/festivals. And all in less than 2 months! The itinerary has been through many phases and is by no means complete but as of now, I'll be driving Dave's car to the cabin and then flying home. Here's what I've got so far:

Leaving in early June take a couple of days to get to Yellowstone. Spend a couple of days exploring Yellowstone and Grand Teton national parks. Pull the long haul across South Dakota and Iowa. Enter Illinois from the south, visiting James and Erica Wagoner (hs drama teacher and wife). Then into Chicago to visit Meghan from B&P as well as Joe's friends if he comes with. Then across to Waterbury Connecticut for the O'neil Puppetry Conference (June 13-21). Then up to Vermont so that Joe can visit UVM (for the other master's program he's interested in) and over for a day or so at Bread and Puppet in Glover. From there down to NJ to visit Linda. Hop on the train for a couple of days in NYC to visit LJ+Dave as well as college/hs friends (Buck, Betsy, etc.) Then down the east coast stopping for a couple of days at the cabin (and meeting up with Helen in NC?) before continuing onto Athens (Megan Louise, Lauren, Matt Weeks, etc.) then Atlanta (Nina, Gaelyn, Pops, GA Grands parents, etc.). Then there's the National Puppet fest in Atlanta July 14-19. After that I'll drop the car at the cabin and somehow make it back to Atlanta to fly to Austin (visiting with the Hollingsworth clan/checking out cool places to maybe potentially perhaps live someday), and flying back to Portland sometime in Late July. Phew!

That is all. My life is happy and full and moving forward at the speed of light. Hope to see you this summer!

a poem I wrote on new year's

I can feel the inside of my skin

dark and slimy wet velvet

opaque and shiny

it absorbs

digests

erases

my organs shine like mirrors

reflecting themselves into infinity

sparkling in the darkness

cold, and hard, and hollow.

I fit together like a puzzle,

nesting inside myself,

tongue and groove.

you'd never know by looking at me,

but if you pull my string,

I'll smile and hum

you'd never know

I've got diamonds in my toes.