like I do.

hey look! my life got awesome!

2010-08-31T06:34:00.000-07:00

So, I had been waiting to update until my life took off, but then it took off and I couldn't find time to update! My life is all kinds of AWESOME right now, but I've just got a sec, so bullet points it is!

I decided to stay in Atlanta. There are lots of rad people here I like (LOVE), and surprisingly, the city is making me happy. It is both familiar and new, and I know the nooks and crannies I like, and am discovering new ones daily.
I signed a lease. For a perfect little house in Decatur. Rad room mate, lush back yard (quaint gate! koi pond! clothes line!), and a stunning room with a clawfoot bath tub that's mine, all mine. I think it may be my favorite place I've ever lived and I never want to move. Ever.
I started school. After an ordeal (skills interview, official interview, driving to Athens and getting my college transcript, driving to Fayetteville to get my HIGH SCHOOL transcript -- wtf, by the way, community colleges are weird, requesting my AP scores, and spending a lot of time in a particular waiting room, borrowing money for out of state tuition), I started a Sign Language Interpreting training program a couple of weeks ago at Georgia Perimeter College, and am loving every minute of it (well every minute other than those that keep me up at night feeling like I'm forgetting something). It has been a slightly awkward transition back into student-mode, (seriously? what happened? I used to rock at this!), I'm starting to get my bearings. It helps that my classes and instructors are awesome and I get to totally geek out about Deaf Culture and ASL ALL THE TIME. So thrilled to be starting on this long-term goal.
I got a JOB. Seriously, the best job of all time. This is the most recent development, and thus the most exciting. I'm working for a company called Big Thinkers that does live hands-on science programs with kids in a variety of settings. Think Bill Nye meets Beakman's World, but in your school assembly, classroom, or birthday party. I get to make slime, bouncy balls, and cotton candy, play with rockets and dry ice, and basically jump around and act like a nut all in the name of getting kids curious and interested in the world around them. I am thrilled to be a part of a company whose mission statement is to make science interesting and accessible to kids! Also, I just happen to have the exact right skills set and experience to deliver some much-needed help on the office end of things. Establishing systems, dealing with contracts and scheduling, etc. and my boss wants me to take over the daily running of the office and management of other performers by as soon as January! Phew! So in addition to being awesome, it's also totally a grown-up job! Score!

So basically, my life is awesome. I am crazy busy, and crazy happy. My momma always taught me that being nice, working hard, and following your dreams pays off, and I am living proof!

wandering. wondering.

2010-07-09T15:20:00.001-07:00

Alrighty, so it’s been exactly a month since my return to the southland, and I still have no idea what I’m doing.

The day I moved here, I called Laura Jean, my dear sister, while taking Scout for our final walk through Portland. I just wanted to see how she was, and let her know that I was super excited to see her. Well, she proceeded to inform me that she and Dave were getting a divorce and she was moving back to NYC come August. They still love each other, and it’s totally amicable blah, blah, blah (she, in fact is living with him in Atlanta until August), he just wants to be in Atlanta, and she wants to be in New York. Okaaaaaaaaaaay. So. I’ve been through all the stages of grief, so I need no consoling, but…

What?!!?!

My plans kind of went ka-bluey when she told me because at that exact moment I realized that 65% of the reason I was indeed moving to the ATL was to be near her. Because she campaigned. Begged. Persuaded. So, that’s it. I’m done following my sister around and we will probably never live in the same town again.

So, now I’m here. Wondering what exactly I’m doing. I had an audition at the Center that went fantastic, but since their season’s set, it was more of a “who’s in town” kind of thing. Meaning, I could potentially get to do a show with them sometime this year, but no guaranteed immediate employment. So, I’ve been crashing with LJ and Dave (in their rather tiny house) most of the last month with intermittent trips to the cabin and Athens. I’ve visited and caught up with so many good friends. Laura Jean and I are actually getting along really well. It’s just been kind of a head trip kind of having no idea what I’m doing, and being in the same geographic space that I was the last time I felt this way (three years ago, after college).

In light of the reality of Atlanta, (memories everywhere—good and bad; HEAT, traffic, LOTS of people…) I’ve been trying to re-evaluate if this is really where I want to land. I’ve good savings, and a set of wheels (ah, yes. I bought a car. ’97 Subaru Outback wagon with only 95k and a few bumps and bruises. Great car. Of course I’ve already put over 2,000 miles on it…) But I could do anything. ANYTHING. This is as exciting as it is debilitating.

I feel confident that it was time for me to move on from both Tears of Joy and from Portland, but where to? Well, I’ve narrowed it down to either Atlanta, or Brattleboro, Vermont. Currently Atlanta has going for it: family, friends (college, friends of family, and childhood friends), familiarity, puppet community, opportunity, good food, CHEAP, and lots of stuff happening. Brattleboro on the other hand: small (13,000 people), BEAUTIFUL, quaint, Deaf school (the Austine School), trapeze school, puppetry, new-ness, a place that could be mine.

It’s pretty close right now. I have some days where I’m totally sold on Atlanta (these days usually involve hanging out with Nina), and others where I’m in love with the possibility of Vermont, a place I’ve dreamed of living since I was 13.

So, I’m knitting a sweater to help me decide. I am project-oriented, so I figure it’ll give my hands something to do while I think things through. It’s coming along quite well, and I’m all kinds of in love with both the pattern and the yarn.

I also told LJ I’d drive her up to New York, so she could take a load of her stuff up (yippee station wagon!) and I could continue on to Vermont and check out Brattleboro and maybe even spend a week or two at Bread and Puppet. We’re currently set to take off around the 11 of August, and I plan to hang out in Vermont at least a week, but maybe until the beginning of September.

So that’s the gist of it. I’m hanging in there, and making things happen. You know, like I do.

my head is exploding. in a good way.

2010-06-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am everywhere at once.

Have spent the week being intermittently productive, social, lazy, and emotional. Somehow, I've managed to sell most of my stuff off craigslist, and when all is said and done will have made around $365. Cha-ching! I'd say at this point about 98% of my stuff is packed save some laundry, bedding and toiletries. So glad I moved in October and got rid of so much stuff then!

Scout is vaccinated, and certified as a healthy doggie. Had a minor breakdown Wednesday when I missed my hair appointment because of bad time management, traffic, and the fact that I go to a vet waaaaay out in Oregon City. Poor Jen, I just kind of exploded all over her. I think I really needed it at that moment though, because I've been better since. It was just that in the middle of all this stress and frustration that was supposed to be the one moment I had set aside for myself. To be pampered and gossip for an hour in the midst of all the craziness. And, I had scheduled it like, two months ago. 'Tevs. My hair actually is looking cuter by the day, so maybe it's all for the best.

I've been trying to snatch little moments with people before I leave. Lunch Tuesday with Jon, dinner Monday with Kendall, intimate but delightful get together at Alberta Street Pub last night with Nancy, Mullins, Aaron, Gina, and Jonathan. Culminated in a game of exquisite corpse newfangled for the twenty first century. Everyone gets out their cell phone and opens a text to a person that would appreciate random ridiculousness. Then you write one word and pass it to the person on your left. OMFG. So amazing. Laura Jean received:

"If mammals pontificate on freedom then why cant (sic) we experience ephemeral joy until The moment when James Brown kicks ass again."

Had a moment yesterday when I was buying groceries that that would be the last time I bought groceries at the Alberta Co-op. This weekend, I am heading to see the Nomadic Theater's production of Alice in Wonderland. Should be a neat way to say goodbye to Portland, since I spent so much time with them when I first got here. Thankfully, it's rained everyday since I got back from my long trip. EVERY DAY. Also, it's been cold. Hoodie weather. In JUNE. That makes it so much easier to leave this place full of so much stuff and people that I love.

My flight is at eleven Tuesday evening and I'll arrive desperately in need of coffee early Wednesday morning. Woah, my life is about to change.

pajamas

2010-05-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

So, Jon and I completed our awesomely-amazing tour of the southwest. Pictures here.

After that, we had a couple of shows in Everett (north of Seattle). Stayed with our friend John. He was in a show, and got us in fo' free, which was super fun. It was a musical, 110 in the Shade, and I've been singing show tunes for a week. When we got back to his place he fried us up some phillipino pork spring roll thing-ys (home made by his bf's momma) and we stayed up and chatted until late. It was a truly relaxing and delightful way to spend our final night on tour.

Shows went great, despite some minor technical difficulties with my mic. Thankfully, I knew taping the cord to my back during the scene change would do the trick. Ah, such is my glamorous life. On the way back (our last trip down I-5, of course on a Friday in traffic) we stopped one last time at the Burgerville in Centrailia, our unofficial favorite pit-stop/home away from home. Monday and Tuesday we had local shows, then unloaded our set into storage Tuesday afternoon. I was surprisingly unsentimental during our last show. It wasn't until we were doing our post-show spiel about staying quiet and listening to their teachers did I get blindsided by the fact that I'd never do this again. I'm going to miss Jonathan so much. So much! Looks like he turned out to be my best friend after all.

After we finished unloading our tech stuff into the workshop Brian had to do marketing, Nancy had a meeting, and Jon wanted to spend time with his soon to be business tripping girlfriend, so a rather anti-climactic ending to the year. Not quite the bang we went out with last year, but I suppose that's alright. I'm planning on throwing together some end of the year/I'm leaving shindig before I leave.

It's been raining incessantly, and I've stayed in my pj's watching Buffy for two days. Only now am starting to feel slightly pathetic and stir-crazy. I did walk Scout for the requisite hour yesterday though, and then got the bright idea to go for a run. I'm kind of surprised, but I was able to run comfortably for 30 minutes. Probably the best side effect of being recently unemployed I've ever had.

Everything feels very surreal. I have so much to do, but am having difficulty getting off the couch. Also, my computer power cord is kaput, which is limiting my entertainment while procrastinating mo-jo. I've figured out a way to gerry-rig it, but the solution of sitting very still and holding the power cord seems impermanent.

In less than two weeks I'm Atlanta bound. (sunny Atlanta!) I'm excited for beginning, but still can't really grasp what I'm ending. I guess that's normal though. Remembering that helps less than you'd imagine, but it's just enough.

what day is it?

2010-05-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

In the past 3 days I have driven over a thousand miles, visited with Jonathan's parents, two of my cousins, walked on a beach, seen my first puppet slam, and warmed my bones in copious amounts of sunshine.

Sometimes, tour is awesome.

reason no. 1 I am moving

2010-05-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

It is May 4th and it is currently 46 degrees and raining in Portland. Earlier it hailed.

sun and storms

2010-04-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

Wow. April came and went. The sun is shining momentarily, and even though it's 50 degrees, I'm thankful for it.

Let's see... So, the Malika run was pretty fantastic. We had a great response from the community, and every house had a 100+ people in it. It went by super quickly though. It's hard to believe we put in so much work for a two week run. Two days after we closed we hit the ground running and were back on the road for our final stop in lovely Bellingham, Washington. Got dinner with Brandi and Andrew, and drinks afterward with Amanda. It was the first of my lasts (at least the first that I was conscious of). It was a perfectly lovely evening, and a lovely capstone to several casual and somewhat spontaneous visits I've had with each of them these past two years. It was kind of fitting, too since we're all moving on to bigger and better things next year. Brandi will be finishing her program and looking for teaching positions, Amanda is off to grad school in Boston, and I'm headed southward for adventures as yet unnamed. I would have never expected that part of this job (one of my very favorite parts of this job, to be honest) would be getting to visit a friend from Fayetteville/Savannah, and a friend from Bread and Puppet in the same lovely little town.

This week was a bit lighter; just a show and some workshops down in Dallas, Oregon. Got to perform for a theater full of fourth graders and a small contingent of high school drama kids and did workshops with each. It was the first time Jon and I have gotten to do workshops together, and it was so much fun! I especially loved working with the high school kids. It was a nice change of pace from the extreme regimentation of an elementary school. Also, the hosts told us that we came highly recommended as the company's best team and were extremely satisfied after we were finished. That always feels nice; you know, to hear from strangers that people have said nice things about you.

Then, to make up for all the weekends I've worked this month, I got the past three days off. Unfortunately, I've been sick with a pesky sore throat that won't quit. I've rested, watched the entire season four of Buffy on Netflix (time warp. is it just me, or did every single outfit she wore look like it came out of Wet Seal?), and drinking lots of tea. Last night as I was walking to Whole foods for some ginger, honey, and lemons, it occurred to me that I had an entire bottle of my favorite cold tincture (Umka) on my dresser. I should have started taking it Sunday when I stared feeling crappy, but better late than never. I started last night, and am finally starting to feel better. Marginally.

Oh! I also had brunch Sunday with Kendall, which was perfectly lovely. It was the first time I'd seen him since we broke up in January, and it was great to see him. I think we waited the perfect amount of time, because we were quite friendly and it was comfortable and good. I think this may be a sign of maturity that I've started dating guys I actually want to stay friends with after we've broken up.

I'm kind of all over the place about my big move. I'm totally impatient, but simultaneously completely unable to accomplish anything. There is so much to do, but I feel like I can't do anything until Jon and I get back from our Great Southwestern Adventure of '10, which we leave for on Thursday. We'll be out three weeks, and then I'll have about two more to get everything in order before Scout and I fly to Atlanta. I actually have very little planned out after than other than buy a car and spend my time split between Atlanta, Athens, and the cabin until I can find a job and a place to live. I think I'm gonna have some major culture shock re-entering the southland, but I can't wait to take weekend trips to Athens on a whim, or go over to LJ and Dave's to raid the fridge. [Oh, shit I hope I can find a job.]

flying high

2010-03-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

The past couple of weeks, I've been biking a lot. Walking a lot. Really enjoying my neighborhood, and the sparing sun. The idea of buying a car has been completely unappealing and thus I haven't thought a lot about it. This weekend I started thinking about it. The thing is, I don't want to buy a car and with my life as it is in Portland, I don't have to.

Then, I started thinking about summer.

Yes, I will need a car in Atlanta (and I am getting very excited about the move), but if I can use frequent flyer miles (thanks poppa!) and ship my stuff via Amtrak, I can get to Atlanta without completely depleting my savings. That should give me a little breathing room once I arrive so that I don't have to be stressed about immediately getting a job. I have decided this breathing room is worth more than a road trip*. It feels annoyingly adult, but is exciting in its own way. It also presents its own challenges, like buying a car as soon as I get to Atlanta, but I feel like its the better call for me right now.

*[Texas family, I hope to still see y'all in May when I perform in San Antonio, and am hoping to make a short trip out sometime in the fall.]

I am starting to renew contacts in Atlanta for jobs and living arrangements with the hope that something will pan out before fall.

Ah! On to the here and now. Rehearsals have been a rollercoaster, but I think we're in a good place performance-wise with one week to go before we load in. Jon Ludwig is a perfectionist, and an excellent director. It has been a challenge and learning experience to work with him, and although I've had my moments of frustration, can say that overall, I am better for it. Scout is wonderful. Letters are wonderful. Spring, although a fickle mistress, is wonderful.

march march march (nom nom nom)

2010-03-13T15:08:00.000-08:00

Looks like I've gone an entire month again without an update. I suppose it's because nothing much has been happening, but in a good way.

Let's see, tour is done for a while (yippee!), gotten into knitting animals (see photo), have become obsessed with and subsequently finished all of the new Dr. Who and its spin off Torchwood (curse you netflix instant viewing!) am now a week into rehearsals with the one and only Ludwig-i-nator of Atlanta. He's an interesting character and learning to work with him has been a delightful professional challenge. Suffice to say, I've been smiling and nodding a lot, and somehow my muscles have not yet failed me. By the time the show goes up, I expect I will have spontaneously acquired small anchor tattoos on my forearms. Also, let it be noted that we had the entire (ENTIRE) show blocked with puppets and props by day 4 of rehearsal. Epic.

Momma and her Greg are coming through town tomorrow for a visit. They're officially forever now, legally and otherwise. I'm so very happy for them both and can't wait to see them fresh off their elopment/honeymoon all full of cheer and sunshine.

This also means that I'm now the lone lady in the Long henhouse, but that doesn't mean I'm in any hurry to fly the coop. I'm really really enjoying my life right now, and very much looking forward to the adventures and challenges on the horizon. Very glad this will be my last chilly Portland spring, and that this time next year my life will be full of azelas and dogwoods.

spring forward! (sort of)

2010-02-16T10:29:00.001-08:00

While the Eastern seaboard is getting blasted with wintry weather, in Portland we're enjoying our annual fake spring. Yep, we always get this weird 2 weeks of sporadic sunny weather and warm(er) temperatures for a couple of weeks mid February. I have to admit, although I'm jealous we only had a half a snow day this year, I have been REALLY appreciating the sun. Especially since I'm well aware that this is a limited window before the rain comes back full force.

Got a kind of light week with work, which may I also say is much needed and appreciated. Had yesterday as a make up for working a Saturday a few weeks ago, and just two shows (both in town, both after 10 am). This after about a month of solid shows. (A couple of weeks ago we did 15 shows in two weeks, with 4 mornings that started at 5 am. bleh.) Then just two more weeks until we're in town for 6 working on the new show! So excited. Need to start learning lines though...

Trying not to freak about finding a job in Atlanta next year. Hoping that my connections in the southern theater scene will pan out. Surprisingly (to me at least), I've decided that I want to continue working in theater. I've always been shy about making that sort of commitment, but I'm finally ready to do it. I don't need to perform though. I'd be extremely happy doing education, technical, or administrative work. We'll see. Also, I really really want to live alone again if possible, but understand it may not be feasible without knowing what I'll be doing.

A note on my move: After crunching the numbers about flight and shipping costs, I've decided to buy a car here in Portland and take another road trip to get home (for about the same price I can have an adventure rather than a long lousy flight). I have a friend who leads kyaking tours in the San Juans every summer, and can't well leave the Pacific Northwest before spending a little quality time up there. Then I'll head over to Bellingham for a day, then down 101 (I've always wanted to drive the length down the West Coast) with a little stop over in Ashland to take in some Shakespeare. Then dow to San Francisco and further to LA to visit my cousins. Then I want to take in the southwest and visit as many National Parks as humanly possible. Grand Canyon, Bryce, Zion, Arches, etc. before heading to Austin for a bit and then over to Atlanta and then up to the cabin for about a month. Last summer was all about visiting friends, this summer I want an adventure. I want to push myself to get out and meet people, to develop a small show to perform in parks, play my ukulele on street corners, hike, camp, and generally drink life in gulps. Big big gulps.

my show!

2010-02-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

So, Jon and I did a couple of shows at community centers this weekend. Both shows had a couple of amateur photo buffs in the audience and they got some pretty great shots.

Ch-ch-ch-check it out.

up and up

2010-02-04T21:12:00.001-08:00

So, things are going well. Back on cod-liver oil (yes, I take cod-liver oil, now with vitamin D!) and my pond scum and feeling flipping fantastic for it. Doing lots of shows, knitting lots, getting into Dr. Who (I've finally admitted I'm a closet fantasy/sci-fi geek), and writing lots and lots of letters. Mail is the best mood buster EVER. Seriously.

Saw Where the Wild Things Are last night with Goose-man and loved it. LOVED it. I thought it was beautiful and true, and gosh darn it, it was just good to get out of the house. Also, I love Laurelhurst. I'll miss it when I'm gone.

But, I'm done with the rain. DONE. And there are 4 more months of it. Joy.

That's about all. I'm a sleepy-Hannah, so I'm headed to bed early.

operation happy Hannah

2010-01-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

Alright. I'm done with this depression business. What makes me happy? Cleaning, organizing, and planning. So, I've decided to apply these principles to my life.

Let's see, cleaning will include making sure I go back to a gluten free dairy free diet for a while. A cleanse, if you will. Ditto on cutting back on sugar, coffee, and alcohol. (sigh, I know this will help but this will be a bit more difficult).

When I think back to earlier this fall when I was deliriously happy, I remember that, hey, I was planning on spending 3 months at the cabin this summer. Plan hereby reinstated. And then I was going to move to Atlanta, try to get a job at the Center for Puppetry Arts and start ASL interpreter training. Check and check. Even if this doesn't happen, just having some plan in place allows me to breathe a little easier and shake the fog that's been clouding my head for over a month now.

This does mean adjusting my involvement in the project in Chicago to be more of a consultant and teacher, which is a-ok with director-man James and playwright Stephen. I'm thinking I'll spend a month; a couple of weeks before rehearsals start and a couple of weeks after, then back for the opening. Phew. Anxiety lifted.

It also helps that I've been taking Scout for long walks, and today, even though I had to get up at 5 am, it's SUNNY! I swear, the sun really is amazing, and makes all things seem easier.

I am completely aware that this blog chronicles my shifts from intense freak-out-age and planning and coping, but these are things I've realized I will be dealing with at least every three months for the rest of my life. It helps that I'm neurotic and actually do know what to do when I'm feeling ridiculously overwhelmed even if I have a hard time actually enacting those ideas.

Encouragement helps though. Send me some love!

musing

2010-01-21T22:21:00.001-08:00

I am learning the difference between lonely and lonesome.

theme song

2010-01-19T14:36:00.001-08:00

I'm going through a lot right now. It feels big and overwhelming and tiny all at the same time. And I'm feeling sad and excited and scared and alive. So, in general I detest song lyric blog postings, but I'm feeling self-indulgent. Humor me.

I Like Giants

(click to listen)

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me

But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said
What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
She said 'I like giants
Especially girl giants
Cause all girls feel too big sometimes
Regardless of their size'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
*I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head
you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
And I don't wanna make her cry
Cause I like giants

getting better at getting older

2010-01-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

There are things in my life, (moods, tendencies) that I thought I'd grow out of. Grumpy days as well as totally freaking out about big life decisions. The latter is something I've been really struggling with lately.

When I decided to return to TOJ last year, it was made with the implication that it would be my last year. Now, half-way through that year, I've got some mighty strong senior-itis. I could wax poetic about the things I do not like about the way that TOJ is run, but basically that is a side rant to distract me from what's really at hand, which is figuring out what the sam hill I'm doing with my life next year.

In the midst of all of this I've been frustrated at the level of freak out/depression I've been experiencing the past three weeks. It's ridiculous. I am ashamed of how many times I sighed yesterday. I wish I no longer had to deal with these pesky moods. I'm entirely aware that they are immature, selfish, illogical, and completely unhelpful, but I'm helpless to the fact that they happen. I've realized that becoming an adult isn't so much growing out of these tendencies as learning how to cope with them.

So, this is what I've found helps.

1. friends. I've got some pretty rad friends who make me feel like a million bucks. Most of them live far away, which sucks, but phone+internet can come pretty darn close.

2. Remembering that it's always worked out in the past. I've been at a big decision, life changing 'what am I doing?' place before. It's always worked out. I have a safety net, savings, and a good head on my shoulders. New mantra: "It's all going to work out."

3. Reminding myself that this is waaaaay to early to be concerned. The earliest I'll actually have to do any deciding is October. That's a good 10 months away. Ten glorious months.

So, all I've actually decided (re-decided?) is that I'm going to focus on getting my ASL interpreter certification come fall. I've talked ad nauseum about it, and now it's time to put it into action. The thing is, if I ever reach a point like this again, it'd be nice to have that ace in my back pocket.

Now, I've just got to figure out where, and what my day job will be. Kendall is pulling hard for it to be Portland, but the last couple of days I've been considering Austin (restrain yourself Kathy). But just now, my friend David offered me a puppetry job if I were in Atlanta, so we'll see.

I don't know where I'll be this time next year and I'm trying to be okay with that. Because you know what? It's all going to work out just fine.

holi-daze

2010-01-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

Alas, I am again remiss in chronicling my life. (sorry, Kathy) And, yet again it has something to do with my life being unbearably full. (Although in the last couple of weeks it's been mostly full of knitting and Gilmore Girls marathons, but that's beside the point).

So, I've probably been most avoiding writing this post because of the following drama. Not because it's all that awful, but just that since I've finally wrapped up the final pieces of it, repeating the story has become even more abhorrent, but I figure if I'm trying to preserve some sort of record of my life it ought to be included so here goes.

I totaled my car. In Seattle. 14 hours before I left for Christmas vacation.

In anticipation of the questions everyone has been asking me, I will preemptively answer all of them:

1) Yes, I'm fine. No, no one was hurt. Except the car. Not very difficult to total a '92 civic as it turns out.

2) I was in Seattle because I was traveling with Scout and wanted him to have the least amount of time necessary in the cargo hold (for his nerves and mine). I was crashing at a friend's house and on my way to see a play produced by the kind soul and who was taking me to the airport in the morning. (Thankfully, Scout was not in the car). As it was Seattle, it was raining. An Explorer full of 16 year old boys slammed on their brakes, as did I. My brakes locked up and I skidded into them bending their bumper and crushing my Betty. They were all quite kind, the cops were swell, and the tow truck guy even helped me out with storing the car while I was out of town (this turned out to be not as simple as anticipated, but worked out in the end).

3) Yes, I got a ticket. $175. I don't want to talk about it. Expected, but still annoying.

4) No, I'm not getting another car. At least not right now. Portland is an easy city not to have a car in, and seeing as both work and my boyfriend are within a mile radius of my house, it hasn't been that big of an adjustment. Bonus: that whole, being more active in the new year thing has been terribly easy, and Scout is loving the long walks to the post office and co-op. I'd been hankering for a truck lately anyway, so if/when I do decide to invest, I'm thinking of a Tacoma. But for now, I'm going to enjoy the extra $100 or so a month I spent on gas and insurance. Also, it looks like I'll be doing a better job of living up to the title of this blog.

5) Also, the owner of the car (not, as it turns out the family of the driver. a family friend) told me not to worry about repairs, since it only marred his bumper. So, somehow I got out of the whole ordeal only down the cost of the ticket. Well, that and the whole not having a car anymore thing.

Unfortunately, this put a slight damper on my holiday as I was unable to take care of any of this from North Carolina. Also, it was just kind of a weird holiday in general. LJ and Dave went to his folks for Christmas, so it was just me, mom, and Greg on Christmas day. Aaaaand, for reasons (they both said they had their reasons) neither of my parents put up Christmas decorations. Or music. Correction: that is, until I woke up Christmas morning and cried from stress and frustration and mom finally broke down and pulled out one box of decorations to appease my headonistic soul. I think the whole, "I don't believe in Jesus any more, so that makes the decorations all the more important" really got to her. All in all, it was just a weird holiday. Kind of awful really, and I was just a peach to my family, so kudos and many thanks for putting up with my tantrums dear loved ones. Mom pulled some magic and got me home a couple of days early just so I could take care of things.

So, I got home, took care of the car stuff as best I could manage, (Kendall rented a car and drove all the way up to Seattle when he had to work the next day just to rescue me. He's a white knight, that one.) I then promptly came home and fell ill. It was just a nasty cold, but it had me laid out for a couple of days. Went back to work this week, and am still getting back in the swing of things. In a bit of a mid year slump. That is, when I'm not paralyzed in fear about what I'm going to do with myself next year after Chicago. I have a couple of options I'm weighing, but am still primarily freaked out on a daily basis, and have been letting this get in the way of me functioning in any social capacity. (See previous comment about knitting and Gilmore Girls). The list of people I've been meaning to call is a mile long, but it's hard to get up the nerve to connect with people, even those you like, when all you feel like doing is whining.

Kendall and I are doing well. We've been spending a lot of time together lately, and after me freaking out a little (as I am wont to do) we're pulling back a little. I really don't want to mess this up. He makes me feel lucky.

Scout is the light of my life, as always.

So, that gets things current. Hopefully, I'll feel compelled to update again before another month has passed. 'Til then, love to all!

fall

2009-12-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

So, it appears it's been a whopping 6 weeks since my last post. Sheesh.

Tour is going swimmingly. Jon is great. The show is great. I love my job even though I'm looking forward to tour being over again. This weekend we did two shows of Peter and the Wolf with the Columbia Symphony Orchestra, and guess what kids? I was Peter! I really missed getting to be the duck (and the cat, and grandpa, and the bird...) but I think we kicked some major ass considering we only had 3 (count 'em THREE) rehearsals. Did I mention the second show was in Spanish? And that I got to be on Univision? This week and next it's back on the road.

Living situation = fantastic. Goose is the best room mate ever. I totally dig living in NE, and am quite in love with this little unfinished blue house. Set to intentionally hang out with Goose again soon seeing as that never happens anymore. He suggested it today after coming to see my show and it warmed my little heart. Yay happy living situation.

Spent a week in NYC with the sister and bro-in-law. Good to see them, but damn that is one tiny apartment. LJ made a veritable feast for both my birthday (southern style feast complete with homemade red velvet cake!) and Thanksgiving. Got to see Buck 5 times in one week which made my year.

Aaaaaand, back in Portland, there's a boy. All new, and totally official. He went to high school with my tour partner Jon and we met at a party a while back at his house. We've been dating just shy of a month and made things official this week. He's terribly kind, and considerate, silly, creative, smart, and comfortable. We fit and it makes me gushy happy. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. Like years. So that's all kinds of good.

And last but certainly not least, I've been asked to design and build puppets for a show in Chicago! For a professional theater! And I said yes! My good friend James is in grad school in Illinois and will be directing a new folk-punk musical called Stalk. It has puppets in it and he's asked me to do them. I've accepted and ridden the incredible rollercoaster of "holy shit how can I possibly pull this off?!? I've never done this before in my life! I have no idea what I'm doing..." to "hells yeah. I'm a pro and can totally do this in the key of AWESOME! I am competent and skilled" We're talking budgets and sketches, and it's actually happening. They're set for an October opening, so my entire summer (instead, alas of being at the cabin) will be spend designing and building the show between here and the Wagoner's basement. Then I've lined up a couchsurf with good friend Megan in Chi-town while I finish up building and teaching the actors to become puppeteers in early September, and then, who the hell knows? This is an absolutely amazing opportunity and I'm effing thrilled to be a part of this process.

So that's a rough sketch of the past month and a half or so. Basically, things are great and I'm continuing to excel at this life thing. Oh, and I had a birthday. I'm 25 now, so I guess that means I'm officially an adult. Who knew adulthood could look like this? Yippee!

all at once

2009-10-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

Last week, I decided to be Joan from Mad Men for Halloween and dyed my hair red in a hotel room in Wenatchee, Washington. It, not surprisingly, looked like a four year old had done it, so Saturday I threw down some major cash to get it fixed. It looks pretty firey now, and I'm still adjusting to life as a red-head.

Sunday, Brian and Jon from work were super-heroes and helped me move into my new place. We, amazingly, did it all in one trip (except for a few things I'm going to pick up by car in the next week or so). I'm all moved in and loving living in NE. Goose is a fantastic room mate, $350 for rent is quite nice, and living 5 minutes to and from work is hard to beat.

Then, I got a bug in my brain in the past 24 hours about grad school. Part of it was looking up Deaf Theaters on a whim last night, part of it was looking at some of LJ's pics from grad school, and just thinking about what I really want to do. I've thought a lot about integrating puppets with Deaf Theater, but for some reason had always considered an entertainment/education model as opposed to an outreach program. Today, I started thinking about theater as a tool for education, community building, expression, and linguistic development for Deaf children. How naturally puppets and dance would fit into an outreach program. Also, that grad school would be the perfect forum to develop a model program for my thesis that I could potentially continue with grant support after receiving my degree.

So, I started looking at grad programs. Educational theater programs, interdisciplinary studies programs, MFAs in theater for youth... then I stumbled across this. First of all, just the name makes me drool. Performance as Public Practice? A phrase that succinctly describes my operating theory of creativity as a mode of being, expression, and engagement. Secondly, it seems to have the structure, context, and support I would need, while being open ended enough to allow me to develop my own program of study. Third, it's in Austin! A place I've already toyed with moving because it's close to family, and as a city is pretty stinking rad.

Phew. Exciting to say the very least.

To achieve my goals though, I still want to get certified as an ASL interpreter before moving forward with this, which at this point still means Atlanta for at least the next two years.

The cool thing, is that as I was thinking about applying, I realized that everything I've done up to this point actually contributes to this goal. Bread and Puppet, Playwright, Tears of Joy... I have learned about/participated in community engagement in theater, theater as a tool for social change, theater as a tool for personal development and growth, and entertaining and educational puppetry. I have experience leading workshops in puppetry, performance, movement, character, and playwriting. It is really pretty great to realize there really hasn't been a time since I left college during which I wasn't actively pursuing my insanely varied interests. All of which have lead me to here, now.

So, I'm really feeling in it right now. My ideas about the life and work I want to create are constantly evolving, and I've got to say realizing how all the pieces fit together is pretty neat.

the best thing that has happened to me in the past couple of weeks

2009-10-16T21:06:00.000-07:00

My life has been all kinds of crazy in the past two weeks. When all is said and done Sunday evening, I will be a resident of the delightfully unfinished upstairs room at the Guzetta-Davies household. Yep, I'm moving in with Goose. It's a long depressing, stressful story so let's just focus on the happy ending.

And now, one of the things I will miss most next year when I am no longer employed by Tears of Joy. Mornings that start like this....

awake

2009-10-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

I had the longest day of my life today, and I can't sleep for the life of me.

I woke up at 6 did three shows at two different schools. That's two unloads, 3 shows, and two loads. Then drove home 4 hours. So, I basically worked from about 7 am to 8 pm. Drank beer while taking a very hot shower. Had house meeting where we told room mate we wanted her to move out. Other liked room mate told me she's looking for a new place within a couple of months. Cried. (not sad cried, stress at the "oh, my god not again with the new housemates. I am so tired of this ch-ch-changing everytime I pay rent" cried) And, now I can't sleep.

So, I just friended a bunch of people on facebook. After I cleaned house last year and whittled my 300+ friend list down to a slim 183, I realized I had been remiss in dismissing certain characters. And I'm bored. And it's midnight and I have a 7 hour drive tomorrow. So, why not?

It's been a long time since I've been so tired I couldn't sleep and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

recently

2009-10-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, so tour is revving up nicely. We've finally hit our stride with shows. Other than a few minor fiascos (like a puppet losing a foot midway through our first performance...) we're getting used to the show and life on the road again. It's funny returning to schools, some of which I remember clearly, some of which just blend together with every other school that looks the same. We're trying to tour differently this year too, cooking on the road (with a traveling kitchen comprised of a coffee pot, hot plate, toaster oven, and rice cooker), staying at cheaper places, and coming home as often as possible. AND, I've been bringing Scout on the road with me! It's kind of the best thing ever. He's super chill of course, and it's wonderful to have him with me/not have to worry about finding someone to watch him for me. So, yay work!

Home life, however, not so great. The verdict is in on new room mate and it's that we all want her to be former room mate. I'm too tired to go into the details of the situation, but needless to say, it's pretty apparent that we want different things from a living situation, so come Tuesday (house meeting) we're asking her to find alternate living arrangements as of November 1. Sigh. On top of all that, one of my other two room mates that I really like, has also informed us that she's moving out. Her friend found a place that's apparently wonderful and 5 minutes from her work. While I am happy for her and completely understand, lord, am I tired of my living situation changing every 4-6 months. I haven't even lived here a year and a half and I've had 11 different room mates! ELEVEN. That's more than my four years of college combined. Sheesh! I guess that's what I get for living in mecca of young hip twenty-somethings always looking for the next big thing. Anyway, I just want to find a couple of folks who are clean and quiet and can pay rent. That is all I care about at this point. I can handle anyone for 8 months as long as they're clean and quiet.

I've had a lovely quiet weekend at home (two room mates out of town, the other sick in bed). Full of movies (Autism: The Musical!, and Suddenly, Last Summer - both excellent), knitting, podcasts, reading, and catching up with friends. Went to see Funny People with Goose at the Laurelhurst today, and throughly enjoyed it. Have yet to see a Judd Apataw movie that I didn't like. This one was a little darker, but well done. I feel like his movies illustrate that life can be awkward, depressing, and funny at the same time. Good to hang out with Goose as always, and we ran into on of Dave's old room mates outside the theater! Yay small Portland. Also, it seems that seeing movies at Laurelhurst with Goose, which is turning into a weekly thing, is the only time I've been riding my bike lately, so yay for that.

Haven't been to Quaker meeting in a while. Just haven't been feeling it. I think it's because I heard through the grapevine that some higher up committee was thinking of nominating me for a leadership position, but didn't directly inform me of it. For some reason this really rubbed me the wrong way. After a couple of weeks of thinking about it, I realized it was that that kind of organizational b.s. was one of the reasons I left the church a few years ago. That and the fact that about 20 people always tend to do everything to keep a religious organization running... I dunno. I'm not ready for expectations. If I feel called, yippee, but as soon as someone starts expecting me to step up, it feels too much like being the preacher's daughter all over again. Clearly I've got issues here I've got to figure out, but right now, I'd prefer to figure them out by sleeping in on Sunday mornings and drinking coffee and cleaning the bathroom.

Boy situation is complicated to the point of silly. Was hanging out casually with a friend in town, but haven't been there in a couple of weeks while simultaneously developing friendship/flirtation/pen pal/phone conversations with a gentlemen in Atlanta. What? Yeah, that's kind of how I feel about it.

So, let's see. October has thus far brought with it cooler temperatures, rain, the need for two new room mates, root vegetables for roasting, a delightful work situation, and a new knitting project (thanks to pretty wool from Marci!). Not bad.

in short, good

2009-09-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

Hey-o! Other than not getting any sleep last night, and having my second nightmare this month that I had to go back to high school ("NO! Really, I'm 24. I have a college degree. Seriously, why do I have to be here?!) lots of fantastic things are happening in my life right now including a pen pal, sunny weather, and finally deciding to move back south-ward next summer (holla y'all!). Right now I'm headed out on the road for our first tour stint. We have a beautiful beautiful pack that allows us to actually have visibility! And room for lots of groceries!

But, since I don't have time for a full update I thought I'd share this. It made me smile.

swan dive

2009-09-05T09:26:00.001-07:00

Another good week in the life of Hannah.

Last Saturday included the second annual Nomadic Theatre's Cotillion and Pie Fight. Great fun as always. I spent a lot of time with those folks when I first got to town, but rarely ever see them anymore. Really fantastic to touch base with them. Especially with pie. That evening, I grabbed a beer at the Horse Brass with a friend who worked at TOJ last year, but has since moved on. Sunday I tabled all day at the Oregon State Fair for Love Makes a Family with the Young Adult Friends. Long day, but time well spent.

Rehearsals are going fantastic. We added tech this week and watched ourselves on video, both went better than expected. Same old drama with management, but otherwise things are going swimmingly.

Finally found a new room mate last Friday after 7 more interviews. She moved in Tuesday, and jury's still out. She's watching Scout for me this weekend (plus!), but also still has all of her boxes in disarray in the living room (sad face), and woke me up last night stomping around and talking LOUDLY to her boyfriend... I'm trying to be patient and open minded, but it will be good for me to get away this weekend.

Speaking of, Mom is en route to Portland as I type. When she gets here we're off to Britenbush for the weekend, and I'm beside myself excited. Two days of soaking in hot springs, a massage, and lots of reading and knitting. Should be stellar.

Went to see Away We Go at Laurelhurst with Goose and Yael (friend of LJ's from Reed, who Goose has adopted into the fold). It was sweet, but it wasn't as good as it was trying to be. Still nice to go out, be social, and bike a bit. The best part was probably being introduced to the music of Alexi Murdoch. Think Nick Drake for the 21st century. Created a Pandora station for him and am enjoying it lots. Ah! and I found a new route to the Laurelhurst that includes a light at Belmont, and no hill. Huzzah!

Just doing a bit of laundry and getting things in order before Mom gets here. I'll be out of internet/cell phone range all weekend and can't wait. Happy Labor Day weekend folks!

monday morning

2009-08-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

I had a good weekend.

ramblings of a lonely night

2009-08-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

My life is uncomplicated.

I have a lovely roof over my head, a comfortable bed, a sweet doggie, plenty of good food. Money is tight, but enough. I have a community, family, and friends who love and support me. I have a job doing what I love with some wonderful people. Check. Check. Check. Maslov would be proud.

When things are going well, it gives one ample time to think of the big shit. Where am I going? Who am I becoming? What is this life that I'm building?

I just took Scout for a nighttime walk around my neighborhood. Things are quiet, but I can hear the lives of others going on around me. A few streets over people are going places. Next door, my neighbors are settling in for the night.

My life is full. Complete? What is a complete life?

I talk too much. I have always tried to fill the silence. And now, here I am in the silence filling a page. This has become a journal of sorts for me, so indulge, if you will dear reader, the ramblings of a lonely night.

I have always been pretty self aware. A quality that serves me well in many facets but tonight is hard to turn off. I want to learn to shut up. I want to be a better listener. I want to be able to be present without the need to participate vocally. I feel painfully aware of my need to be found intelligent, relevant, quirky, interesting. I want to be. Just be. I know I have nothing to prove. Why do my adolescent tendencies sneak up on me when I am happy? It's like the habits of sadness remain after the feeling has gone.

I am not yet the person I want to be. I'm okay with that, but can't sit with it.

I like my life.

I love my life.

It will change.

In a year, I may be living somewhere else. Doing other things. I know that's not remotely profound, but for some reason right now I am full of the bigness of that.

I have no conclusion, but tonight I suppose that's a fitting place to stop.

My week.

2009-08-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

Started work. Found a couch. Ran a couple of times. Finished a book. Started a book. Happy hour with co-workers. Got over snot-in-my-face sickness. Went to bed early a lot. Started walking scout in the morning. Rearranged living room. Enjoyed living in a clean house (where the dishes are done everynight!)

's about it folks. Things are going great, and I'm pretty darn happy.

update, up what?

2009-08-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

Yo, kids. Sorry for the delay. I've not posted because, honestly, not a lot has been happening.

I subscribed to Netflix and have been watching copious amounts of movies (New faves: True Blood, and Weeds). I stuck to my plan of lounging around in bed, and it's been delightful. I picked up 5 new books from the library today, I've got two knitting projects going, I've been working on lines, and I'm finally got some momentum on the sasquach puppet I haven't worked on since April. I ran lights for a show over the weekend and have been spending lots of time with my room mates. Sadly, Anna will be leaving us, so the hunt for a new roomie is on and consuming lots of time. I'm trying to be more social, which meant breakfast and pedicures with one Ms. Sally Martin last week, as well as dinner and gelato with Goose.

I'm just trying to enjoy my last week of freedom before I head back to work Monday, which I am also pretty stoked about. I love my job and the people I work with so much!

So, my whirlwind summer is winding down, and honestly, I couldn't be happier about it.

partly cloudy

2009-07-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

I broke up with Joe on Wednesday.

After two months of telling people how amazing he is (and he is), we had one conversation and suddenly I had 20 reasons I didn't want to be with him.

Essentially, he's a pessimist and I'm an optimist, and kids let me tell you, that just doesn't work.

I'm sticking with my initial plan of staying in bed, with intermittent outings with room mates and cleaning rampages.

I'm gonna be alright.

going home

2009-07-21T04:44:00.000-07:00

Phew.

I go home today with one sweet doggie, a couple of suitcases, a dislocated tailbone, and more memories than I can shake a stick at.

I think processing (and recovering from) this trip is going to take a while, so once I get home early tomorrow morning my plans include bed, snuggling with scout, watching bad girlie movies on hulu, and sleeping. Repeat ad nauseum for a week.

maybe two.

*edit: turns out I had an infected pilonidal cyst. gross, but feeling better after it ruptured. poppa took me to the ER at Emory and I got some antibiotics and still made my flight. Phew.

still spending copious amounts of time in bed.

austin, nola, birmingham, atlanta, athens, murphy, athens, atlanta (phew)

2009-07-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

Austin!

Spent a week on my Auntie's couch reading Wicked, swimming, eating, snuggling with doggies, and laughing a lot. Also spent some really great quality time with my mom's folks. LJ + Dave, and I spent an afternoon looking at pictures, telling stories, and remembering. I was especially excited to have a bit of one-on-one time with each of them. Talking about Joe, architecture, and gardening with Daddy Jack while drinking a beer in rocking chairs on their back porch. Looking through copious amounts of pictures, and memories, and pictures, and memories, and pictures with Grand Joyce. I'm lucky to have such fiesty grandparents. They help me redefine what it means to be 80. I've got some big shoes to fill.

I spent a little over a week at Kathy's (more time than I've spent anywhere consecutively on this trip, and boy was it appreciated!). Since I was doing the drive home on my own, I broke it into two long days. The first day I drove to New Orleans and stayed with Miss Melissa Ann Clark of B&P fame. I hadn't seen her in 2 years, but she welcomed me into her sweet little home with open arms. We chatted and caught up a bit, and then I slept hard. The next morning we had croissants and coffee in the French Quarter before saying our aideus. I drove around NOLA a bit before heading out. It was depressing. The city seemed to be having a hard time keeping its head above water. Literally.

From there I drove on to Birmingham for dinner with my friend Lauren Libero from UGA. We were in ASL together and she just moved to AL to start grad school. So good to see her and her beau. Her tongue is about the sharpest I've ever seen. Always good.

Then I continued on to Atlanta, and couch surfed (and by that I mean, stayed in a lovely guest room) with my friend Angie Nicovich Phiera. We have been friends since we met at Glisson when we were 11. How cool to see her rocking at adulthood. She's got her dream job doing Aquatic Recreational Therapy at the Shepard Center, married to her high school beau (I remember the first time she told me about him at Glisson!), and they have an energetic puppy named Bosco. Really neat to get to connect with her. (yay facebook!)

The next day I continued on to Athens and spent a lovely day with the lovely Megan Louise. She has become the friend I stay with when I'm in Athens, and I'm so appreciative that she's always so hospitable! We ate at transmet, drove around town looking at what's changed and what hasn't, then did happy hour at Flickr with Lauren and Matt Weeks! That turned into dinner at Clocked, and an evening that ended the way only evenings in Athens can. (it's really more like 1 degree of separation in Athens).

The next day, Meg and I got up ate at Ike and Jane (new uber cute bakery and donut shop where Black Forest used to be) and ran a few errands then went up to the cabin for a few days. In true cabin fashion, we ate good food, read, went and visited John C. Campbell, and watched movies (Man on a Wire was as good as I thought it'd be). Our doggies got to be doggies and ran and played and got excessively dirty.

Friday we drove back to Athens and I spent the afternoon with Lori, Jackson, and James. Oh my gosh they are so big! Jack is 8 now and James is 5, which means James is older than Jackson was when I was their nanny. Sheesh! And what a talker James has become. He was barely verbal when I worked with them, and now he just talks and talks and talks. Jackson made me a sweet picture that says "Thank you for all the great days" and it made me wish I could still be a part of their lives on a more consistent basis. Le sigh.

Friday night I went out to happy hour @ 283 and had a lovely cocktail, but the vibe just wasn't the same without my college crew there. Dad was in town because Nada's daughter Natalie and her husband were playing music at local eatery White Tiger off Boulevard. I went and had dinner with Dad, Nada, her son Keith and his girlfriend, and listened to Natalie and husband play. And you know what? It was nice. I was genuinely glad to see all of them, and they were all enthusiastic about me being there. I realized in the car on the way back downtown that I'm not angry anymore. I've been angry for a really long time. It felt really nice to realize I didn't have to carry that anymore.

Later, I met back up with Lauren and we had some drinks before heading back to her place to work on our hit ukulele single, "When I said Aloha, I meant Goodbye."

The next day, Lauren and I met back up and had lunch at Cali'n'Titos (veggie cuban how I've missed you!) before getting matching origami paper crane tattoos. Mine is on the top/inside of my right knee and hers is on the outside of her right calf. And let me tell you, I am done. No more tattoos for me. Do I have selective amnesia or something? This one either hurt more than the rest, or I'm just good at forgetting. Anyway, I love the tattoo, but I've reached my quota. Quatro. Finito.

I was spent after that so we went back to her place and zonked out to a bollywood movie. I iced my tat and took some tylenol, but I really think it was the take-out that put me in a happy place. Sometimes I forget how amazing take-out is. Food. Food people bring to your house. Amazing.

I ended up staying at Lauren's into the late late night and D-ray came over. I made him laugh a couple of times, which I'm counting as a personal success. So good to spend time in person time with the lovely and amazing Ms. Lauren Benbrook.

Sunday, Meggie Lou and I got up and did the sorority girl thing and had brunch at Last Resort. It blew my mind that we were eating at one of the best restaurants in Athens and nothing on the menu was over $8, in fact most were $6. We both ate entrees, split dessert, I had coffee and she had a mimosa all for $32. Damn. It made me miss Georgia in a whole new way.

That afternoon, Scout and I headed for Atlanta. Nina and Brandon were stuck in Panama (such a Nina and Brandon story) so I tooled around my old stomping grounds in Decatur. I realized that the only places I ever went when we lived in Decatur were 1) our house, 2) school, 3) church, 4) Callanwolde. That's it. (well, the Miller's house too, but I didn't feel like trekking all the way out to Stone Mountain). There was a torrential thunderstorm, and since I hadn't heard back from Nina's roomie (I'd left him a note) by 7:30, I called Debye and Jody and ended up staying with them. It was really nice. I love having friends that actually, literally, feel like family.

Monday I spent time with two old Callanwolde buddies, Helen and Gaelyn. Helen is recouping from shoulder surgery, but otherwise doing fine. Such a beautiful, vibrant soul! Gaelyn is also, living her life beautifully. It was so delightful to catch up with each of them (lunch with Helen, dinner with Gaelyn).

Tuesday started the Puppet Festival, but that's a whole other entry.

I hope to be done with the epic entries soon! Thanks for your patience for all who've made it this far!

old time religion revisited, then head west young (wo)man

2009-06-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Ah! Days at the cabin always pass much faster than anticipated. After a couple of lovely days of rest and repose, tasty food, and family time, LJ and I headed back to meet up with Daddy-o in Murrysville for biscuits (if you're ever in the area, Reid's Cafe is stellar), then LJ rode with Dad and I followed behind as we caravaned down to Whiteoak via Thomson. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I'd been down there, but it didn't really surprise me how little had changed. The gray sand, the squeaky snap of the screened door, the sweet air conditioned air juxtaposed with the liquid heat of the outdoors. Familiarity, even that which you are uncomfortable with, can be comforting.

We arrived earlier than Mee-mee had anticipated and had tomato sandwiches and fixin's for lunch. It was like I hand't really experienced summer in 12 years. South Georgia tomatoes are edible summer, sweet crimsion sunshine. Then we lazed about on the porch and caught up in that way that is mostly talking about the past. I played them a couple of songs on my uke.

Then Mee-mee sent Grand Dad into town to retrieve something or other from the house and shooed us out with instructions to look at the pictures she had on the stereo. Being at their house was even more surreal even though I was there as recently as Christmas of '07. The pictures she referred to were an arrangement of pictures from LJ's wedding next to pictures from Dad and Nada's wedding, next to pictures from their 50th anniversary party, next to a perplexingly placed (and oddly large) senior picture of Nada's son Keith. I made a comment under my breath about having worth when I get married someday... Then there was dealing with the whole seeing pictures around the house, one of which originally included mom, now edited out. And pictures of Dad and Nada filling in the empty places. Intellectually, I understand that, but seeing it manifest does something altogether different for the empty places inside me.

I digress.

Being in Mee-mee and Grand Dad's reality takes some mental fortitude and adjusting, and once I'd gotten over my little internal hissy fit we had just about the best visit we'd ever had. We got back to the campground in time for the most amazing of southern feasts. White acre peas, squash casserole, tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans, cantelope, angel biscuits, three types of meat, and four types of cake. I stuck to the vegetables and was in heaven.

After the meal, we got cleaned up and headed over to the Tabernacle for the evening service. It smelled exactly the same. Somewhere between the old musty Spiritual Life song books, sweat, and prayer. It was so easy to feel right at home fanning myself with an old funeral parlor fan, singing old hyms (Rock of Ages was the closest we got to any of my favorites), and listening to the harmonizing of the cicadias. Somehow though divine providence I picked up the one Spiritual Life Songbook that had been given by my grandparents in memory of our family. I opened up the cover to see pasted in old 80s font the names of my great-grandparents, grandparents, aunt and uncle, my parents, and my sister and I. It was almost enough to make me say "Amen" or at least "oh my stars." The sermon was old-school Methodist about being empowered by Christ, and taking care of your community, "what are your excuses when called by God? The one-and-only-may-his-name-be-priased." Afterward we shared a brief reunion with a few of our cronies from growing up at Whiteoak. All married. All with at least a couple of kids. All excited to see us, but still looking at us with that look of foreign awe that we got from being city kids in our youth, and I guess that we get for being city people still.

When we got back to the trailer, Dad headed back to Gwinett, and the four of us had dessert while Laura Jean quizzed our grandparents about their courship and life together. It was fun and easy and natural and good. I enjoyed listening. Just being hot and sleepy. Eating ridiculously sweet cake, and hearing the smiles in my grandparent's voices as they recounted their lives. We turned in a little after 10, and the same energy continued the next morning over another amazing meal. Real grits, (grits like no one but Mee-mee can make), more biscuits, eggs, fruit, sausage, coffee, and juice. We visited for about an hour and a half transitioning from what has happened to what is happening. Laura let them know a bit about her book, I talked a bit about puppeting.

And then we were off! With hugs and waves and you-be-safe-nows. Laura Jean securely behind the helm taking on the second of the two longest drives of the trip. I was more than happy to play navigator and co-pilot as I still have much driving to go. We did the insane thing and drove all the way to Austin because we are young and stupid. Yep, over 15 hours rocking out to Michael Jackson (may he rest in peace), and without a single fight or as much as a tift. We realized that LJ being an introvert and me being an extrovert are pretty much at the base of all of our issues. And those are things that aren't going to change. So as long as we can respect that, and realize that we're not intentionally hurting each other just expressing ourselves differently, we're good. 15-hours-in-a-car-together-good.

Friday we were up and had family lunch(with just about everybody minus Leslie and the working McElroys) at Matt's before crashing pretty severly. That night we just hung out at Kathy's, working on last minute touches to gifts for the grandparents. Jake wanted to go out, but as I am homebody of all home bodies, nearing broke, and tired as hell, I suggested we just get some beer and hang out by the pool, so that is exactly what Jacob, LJ + Dave, and I did and it was pretty freaking sweet.

The next morning after several glasses of water and a big cup of coffee, I was a human being again and the day of celebrating GJ squared times 60(Grand Joyce and Grand Jack's 60th wedding anniversary) began with a start. Kathy organized us all to serenede them with a rousing rendition of "String of Pearls" (their song) on kuzoo. It was quite delightful and we were all in stitches. Then it was off to Moonshine for a delicious celebratory lunch (I did a toast), and then back to Kathy's for gifts and cake. Mom organized a family quilt (we each made a 1" square), the McElroy ladies tiled a garden bench with their handprints, David and Lynne gave them fancy edibles, but the icing on the cake was LJ and Dave's. LJ collected stories and photos from each family member, edited them and Dave designed, and made (by hand) a beautiful book entitled "60 Years of Adventures in the Hollingsworth Family." They spent collectively over 130 hours working on it, and even made copies for all the children.

Daddy Jack cried. Everyone cried. Then, punctuated only by the eating of cake, and taking of some family pictures, we read. We read every last story in the book. They said it was the best day of their lives, and I was humbled and delighted to be here for it. I have learned so much from them and their marriage. Sometime later, I may even post what I wrote for the book, but that's another entry entirely...

So we've been hanging out in Austin. Eating well, of course as we are wont to do. I've been spending lots of quality time with Auntie Kathy and the dogs and am determined to move here before Laura Jean and Dave so that I won't be following them here. (They're off Atlanta and on Austin in a major sort of way). I'll be here for the weekend before heading back to Atlanta via NOLA.

Then, about a week split between the cabin and Athens, and a week in Atlanta for the puppet conference and a few reunions then I'm back to Pdx to try and make some sense of this crazy summer.

I am so thankful to have been blessed with such enlivening, loving, supportive, and expressive family and friends. Taking this trip has been good for my soul in so many ways, but nothing has blessed me more than simply spending time with people who mean so much to me!

nyc, north cakalack, ath and back again

2009-06-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

The epic trip continues!

So, on the way down to NYC, we stopped over in Hartford so I could check out UConn's puppetry MFA. We pulled up to the puppet building (about 10 miles away from the rest of campus), I was instantly unimpressed. I knew that just about everyone was down in Waterford for the O'Neil conference, but I'd hoped someone would be there. That someone just happened to be John Bell, a puppet expert extraordinaire and old Bread and Puppet alum who I'd met on the farm 2 years ago. I'd known that he was in charge of the museum at UConn, but hadn't expected to see him. I recognized him on sight and reintroduced myself to him. He told us the museum was closed, but invited us in and turned on all the lights for us. It was really sweet, and I particularly enjoyed their toy-theater exhibit. It was a cute little museum, and John was offering to write a letter of recommendation before I left, but I have to admit, I was throughly underwhelmed. I'm leaning heavily toward continuing to work and perhaps apprentice with someone or start my own company.

Then we drove on to New Jersey, stopping in New Haven for dinner to avoid traffic. We spent a lovely evening with Linda, my maternal grandmother's cousin. She provided tasty brownies, a comfy bed, and even let us do an epic load of laundry (MUCH needed and appreciated!) In the morning we took the George Washington bridge into the city and met up with LJ and Dave. Parking the car became a bit of an ordeal, but once that was taken care of, our visit was delightfully low-key. We ate some pizza at their favorite local place, walked the doggies in the park nearby, but mostly just hung out. I'd been to New York before and so mostly just wanted to spend time with them. That evening we rode the subway into Times Square and tried to score last minute rush tickets to Avenue Q but even the discounted ones were $67, which was more than any of us were willing to pay. So, we just went to dinner at this neo-retro diner and went back to the apartment and watched a movie. The next day we slept in, and then Jose ventured out to visit a couple of green non-profits he was interested in and I helped LJ pack and get ready for our trip. That night, Harrison (Buck), my best friend from high school came over for dinner, and it was SO good to see him. It'd been two years since we'd seen each other, and we'd probably only talked 4 or 5 times on the phone. It's just so relaxing to be around people who know you. Who know your history because they were there. People with whom there's nothing to explain. He's loving city life and working in a research lab at Columbia and seeing patients (somehow, I'm not really sure how this works since he still hasn't been to med school) while applying to med schools and trying to figure out what's next. Basically succeeding at this whole adulthood thing, which is good to see. And, it just so happens we'll be in Austin at the same time in a couple of weeks, so we're going to get to spend July 4th together too!

The next morning, LJ, Joe, and I left around 6 am for the cabin. LJ was jazzed to drive and wanted to get there as soon as possible so she ended up driving the whole way, which I was nothing but pleased about. In Tennessee, we stopped for some Chick-fil-a (yeah, I'm a mostly vegetarian right now, but how could I pass up Chick-fil-a?) and I had a delightfully giddy exchange with the two high school girls working the drive through. I enjoy being chatty with service people, and Joe's never understood it, so not only was that a delightful exchange for me, but illuminating for Joe. Then we went over to Subway to get something for Joe (he's sticking to his pescatarian guns), and it was the first awkward/negative experience of the trip down. The two women working were both oddly cold and terse with us. I don't know if it was because I just exude "outsider" (although both my tattoos and underarm hair were covered), or if it was because Joe is brown, but it made me uncomfortable. It also surprised me and didn't at the same time.

We arrived at the cabin a bit worse for wear around 10 that night and spent the following day eating, sleeping, and reading. It was positively delightful. There aren't words to describe how nice it was to be home.

Laura Jean's childhood friend Beverly came up for a slumber party with LJ, and we all took off early the next morning to meet our respective fathers for breakfast in Murraysville, just south of Dahlonega. We arrived a bit later than anticipated, but Dad was patient and excited to see us. We at biscuits as big as softballs and he got a cursory interview with Joe. After that we took off to Athens, where Jose and I met my dear friend Lauren for lunch at the Grit. Mmmmm. Both as good as I remembered. SO good to see Lauren, heart of my heart. She's just one of the most unpretentious, witty, comfortable, delightful human beings I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Being friends with her is like a good hug: warm and comfortable and comforting, and slightly (delightfully) awkward at the end wondering who is going to let go first. And then she pinches you in the butt.

Then we met up with Mom and Greg, and LJ, and the Aldermans (only parentals + Kristen) and got pedicures. Random, but enjoyable. Then we convinced mom to get a hotel room for the night so that all 8 of us would have a place to get dressed and she and Greg and LJ could crash for the night.

Then we were off to Matt's wedding at the Classic Center. It was hot in a lovely way and the ceremony was utterly Matt Giesler. Hip, evangelical, uber-Christian. There was a lot more "you will respect each other" than I'd expected, although the ceremony was not without the scriptures about wifely submission that made just about everyone in our party stiffen and take a sharp intake of breath. It was really fantastic to see most-of-us from all-of-us, which was one of the main reasons I went. Joe and I also danced up a storm, which was utterly fantastic.

He and I ducked out and headed to Atlanta around 10 which put us in at Nina's around midnight. We both crashed immediately, but were up in time for a tasty breakfast prepared by our lovely hostess. So good to see, even if only briefly, Nina and Brandon, although I suspect their joy of seeing me was leveled by they euphoria at getting to see Scout.

I took my Jose to the airport the next morning with only a few tears. He was off to Portland to start his next term (the very next day). What an amazing gift to get to spend such quality time together. Lots (LOTS) of growth can come from long stretches of driving. He's a fantastic travel companion, and I'm so thankful he could join me for even a fraction of this trip.

Then I headed back to Athens where LJ and Mom and Greg were doing some shopping. I wasn't in the mood entirely, but endured. Eventually Mom and Greg headed to the cabin and LJ and I hung out a bit waiting to hear from the Lanford boys with whom we'd been planning on going camping with. My blood sugar had gotten low so I decided to hit up Taco Stand on Milledge for a burrito (tofu with peppers and onions extra hot- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) and who should I find there behind me in line but Daniel Ray (D-RAY!) of Earth Fare fame. We caught up briefly and it was the best part of my day.

LJ and I headed to Dahlonega in anticipation to hear from the Lanfords and had an epic figure-out-the-shit-of-our-relationship fight/conversation. It lasted several hours, included me crying in a Wal-Mart bathroom, followed by us continuing to have conflict in the frozen foods asile only to come out of that monstrosity to see 15 (I kid you not) self-righteously indignant Dahlonega locals croweded around our car ready to give us a talking to about leaving out dogs in the heat for 2 hours. (We'd been inside maybe 30 minutes). Then as we were driving out of the parking lot we got pulled over and spoken to in the most clieched patronizing way by a state trooper the concerned mob had called.

Yay for having Oregon plates in rural Georgia.

It was enough to squealch any desire I'd had about moving back to Atlanta. Any.

Anyway after that whole ordeal, we were both beyond exhausted mentally and emotionally and as we still hadn't heard from the Lanfords, decided to head up to the cabin. Just as we were rounding Blood Mountian, they called, apologetic, I explained the situation and invited them up to the cabin if they were up for it. They were! So, all 3 Lanford boys came up and we had a lovely late night. They left early this morning to get Eeph to the airport.

So now we've got a couple of days in Murphy before heading off on the next adventure. I had hoped to get to see my dear friend Helen in the next couple of days, but unfortunately she is having trouble getting back to the states due to immigration troubles in Indonesia. Oh dear! Sad not to be getting to see her this trip, but that just means that when we do finally have our long-overdue reunion it will be epic! E-P-I-C!

Here's to sleeping in, eating tasty food, and reading in a hammock overlooking those lovely mountians!

good times in the green mountain state

2009-06-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

So, after a long day of driving, we arrived in Pittsburgh and spent a lovely evening and early morning with a couple of Joe's friends from Miami, Andy and his girl friend Erica. Pittsburgh, contrary to my previous assumptions, is a beautiful city. It is home to 7 colleges and universities, and since the steel boom happened in the late 1800s/early 1900s, the architecture is absolutely lovely. Andy and Erica had a comfortable (albeit narrow) couch, and Andy fixed us a beautiful breakfast.

Then, after stopping into a market for some lunch and snacks for the road, we were off. We attempted to avoid tolls, since they had been quite expensive the day before, but this ended up making our route ridiculously indirect and longer than we'd anticipated. We left Pittsburgh around 10, and rolled into Burlington around 10:30. That drive tested our map reading and team working skills, and I am happy to say we prevailed awesomely. I cannot tell you how excited we were to see Vermont.

Sunday morning, we got up early and I dropped Joe off at the UVM campus so he could check the place out and I headed over to Burlington Friends Meeting for my first Quaker experience of the trip. It was an absolutely wonderful experience and I even met someone who is currently in the program Joe is interested in. Then we met up for lunch downtown and afterwards headed out to Glover. When we arrived at Bread and Puppet around two hours later, I was surprised and comforted by how quiet it was. I saw Diana and Suzy stomping clay and said hi to them on our way into the museum, then I showed Joe around the farm. The New Building, the garden (which looks AMAZING), the print shop, the circus field, the pine forest... Along the way, I ended up seeing all of the current puppeteers (all gearing up for the internship, cleaning, and hanging out), and unexpectedly Jenn and Justin and their kids (a family of homesteaders from Maine who were around a lot the summer I was there and have come back so that Jenn can be the cook this summer). It was really amazing to share with Joe, since it was such a formative place for me and I reference my time there frequently. It was good to see everyone and let them know what I'm up to. It was wonderful and kind of delightfully anti-climactic. Strange to be in a place that hasn't changed much, when I've changed so much. That was somehow reassuring and gave me a sense of closure I hadn't known I'd needed. It was also so great to see Jenn and Justin, (who both remembered my name!) because they can participate in B&P but still have their own sense of reality outside it.

Around 6, we headed over to West Glover to Parker Pie for some tasty pizza and then back in the car most of the way back to Burlington to stay at a lovely little pet friendly Bed and Breakfast in Caimbridge Village. It was a beautiful old victorian house with all original fixtures, and most importantly, a very comfortable bed. After a great breakfast this morning, we are on our way to Madison, New Jersey today to spend the night with my grandmother's cousin who lives there.

Joe's currently talking with some professors at UVM, and we're going to stop in Hartford so I can check out UConn's puppet program. All in all it looks like another long day, but I couldn't be happier about my touring companions or itinerary. Tomorrow, we're headed into NYC to spend a couple of days with LJ and Dave, which I am beside myself excited about.

Send us some good vibes for safe travel. Much love to all from the road!

All things go

2009-06-12T07:20:00.001-07:00

A sunny day in Chicago is hard to say goodbye to. Joe and I have had a wonderful week here. Here are the highlights:

Joe's flight was quite delayed, but he finally got here around noon on Tuesday and we did lunch at the tasty vege-tastic Chicago Diner. He had to finish up final for his online econ final, so he met up with one of his bestest friends from Loyola, Brent and they went off to a coffee shop to work. We met up later and they showed me Loyola. It is such a beautiful campus. I loved the art deco architecture, and I wish I had had my camera with me. Oh well. Then we had some crazy good Indian food on Devan and then went to a hip hop show at the Abbey Pub. Meg and Moses joined us for the show but left before the headliner, Mr. Lif took the stage because they were spent. It was a really fun show, but my favorite was just watching Joe. I have never seen him that happy-- ever, which of course made me really happy.

Wednesday we got a bit of a late start, but had some amazing Ethopian (yeah, we mainly ate... a lot here), and then he checked out a couple of Green non-profits he'd looked up and spent some time in Pilsen, his favorite neighborhood in the city (artsy leftist latinos). Then Meg and I cooked up a Southern storm for a birthday dinner for her. Fresh creamed corn, collards, cheddar biscuits, and black beans and rice. It was a feast!

Then yesterday we hit up the infamous Soul Veg on the southside, and after all of Joe's testimonies, it really did change my life. Unfortunately, I got stuck in the WORST traffic on my way back up to the Northside (it took me 2 hours! blah). So, I just hung out at Meg's and did some stuff like book Scout's flight home. Then I took the El into the city, and met Joe and Brent for a live outdoor taping of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me in Millennium Park. I've enjoyed my time in Chicago, but I didn't really get it until I took the Brown line into downtown. It was so beautiful and vibrant. The radio show was super fun, and afterwards we went out for some deep-dish and then they showed me Wicker Park and Ukrainian Village before we crashed hard.

Today we're off to Pittsburgh (our half-way mark to Vermont), to stay with one of Joe's good friends from Miami. Yay!

Land of Lincoln!

2009-06-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

I cannot express how much I am enjoying being in Illinois!

After a positively delightful lunch Friday with Carly and her lady love Jan in Iowa City, I drove to Normal, Il. James and Erica have a precious little house and life, and it was such a joy to spend the weekend with them. We ate good food, visited the farmer's market, ate good food, walked, read, knitted, ukulele/guitar played, napped, ate good food, and had some great conversations (did I mention that we ate well?). Since we spent Labor day at the cabin three years ago, Scout and their dog Jack were already buddies. Their lovely fenced in back yard was like a vacation for Scout! I could tell he was very much enjoying not being in the car too.

Yesterday afternoon I drove up to Chicago listening to Sufjan Steven's C'mon feel the Illinois! and thinking more about the shadow puppet show I'm doing for my grand parent's 60th wedding anniversary party in Austin. It is so SO flat here! Kind of ridiculous. But! I arrived around 3 and got a little lost finding Megan's apartment, but no worries. SO good to see her and be here! I haven't seen her since B&P tour ended a year and a half ago! So we walked around her neighborhood and at a cute little outdoor cafe. I met her bf (who as it turns out has a startling amount in common with Joe...) and we got to gush about being happy.

This morning I cleaned and organized her apartment as a gift for letting me stay here and am now off to walk Scout and explore the neighborhood!

(aaaaaaand Joe will be here tomorrow and I'm beside myself excited.)

boo couchsurfing and rich folks, yay trees and visiting people!

2009-06-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

So, my couch surfing karma was not with me this week. Jon and I had lots of positive experiences using couchsurfing.com on tour this year to hook up places to stay, but I had two people fink out on me at the last minute this week. The guy in Boulder never gave me his contact info, so at 9 o'clock at night frustrated and confused, I just drove away from Boulder. Granted, Scout and I had a good day in Boulder. It's a pretty little college town nestled in the mountains. We hiked a bit, but mostly just lounged around and visited the farmer's market. I realized though, that, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I don't really like rich people. My first reflection was that I didn't like rich liberals, which there are plenty of in Boulder, but no, I just don't like rich people in general. After spending time in Jackson and then Boulder, I was thinking about it a lot. It just makes no sense to me that someone can spend $1,000 on a handbag or a coffee mug or whatever when there are folks who don't have food. Or healthcare. I guess I'm more of a socialist than I thought.

I got to Fort Collins and stayed in this precious little road side motel that reminded me of something out of It Happened One Night. Small and shabby but clean and cheap ($50!), it was a total find. Then, since my couchsurf from Omaha took a last minute trip to Vegas with her sister (whatevs), I drove all the way to Des Moins last night. That means that, yes, I drove ALL the way across Nebraska yesterday. It's funny, because I'd been dreading Nebraska in particular, but enjoyed it MUCH more than Wyoming or Eastern Colorado because it had trees! Lovely little trees across the farmland that made it much more bearable to look at.

Today, I'm off to Iowa City to have lunch with my friend Carly from Athens and then onto Normal to visit James and Erica! Yay reunions!

Oh, and on a side note, I haven't held all that well to the not drinking thing. I realized that what I don't enjoy is getting drunk. I had a glass of wine last night after driving for 10 hours and it was quite lovely. That is all. Carry on.

wyoming: not a fan

2009-06-03T08:21:00.001-07:00

I drove across Wyoming yesterday. Talked to Momma and LJ on the phone who both informed me that they were crazy jealous of what I was doing, which I didn't quite understand at first. That is, until I felt like singing and pumped up and belted out some Dar Williams as I covered the plains. That was a pretty amazing feeling. Overall though, Wyoming = not my favorite state. I can appreciate that there are still places in America that there are stretches of great big nothingness, where you have to be careful and get gas when you can because the next station may be 60 miles down the road... but... for example: I tried stopping for dinner in Laramie, because I was thinking, "Okay, all I know about Laramie is that Matthew Shepard was brutally killed here for being gay, but it's a college town, so there must be at least a decent place to eat." NO. One of the most depressing little towns I've ever driven through. I got to Cheyenne before I could not drive any more and watched the National Spelling Bee finals on ESPN.

Today is a vacation day. I'm driving the hour and 1/2 to Boulder, and just hanging out. I've got a couch surf lined up for tonight and will be headed to Omaha tomorrow. Here's to vacation!

*edit: Oh! and I started reading the Sookie Stackhouse southern vampire series the last couple of weeks on the road, until I realized they were thoroughly mediocre but I was willing to keep reading because I wanted to find out what happened next and then I realized that's how those sci-fi bastards keep you reading a series and I walked away. Phew. (As a side note, I find the HBO series TrueBlood based on the books, highly enjoyable and a huge improvement. It's amazing what Alan Ball can do with a good idea). So, when I walked away from Sookie, I (yes, I'll admit it) went to hear what all the Twilight fuss was about, and let me tell you they are awful. I say they, because of course I got sucked in to reading the second book and the third on audio even though they thoroughly piss me off. The gender dynamics, (I'm a girl, I'm weak and annoyingly self-depreciating, and whiny and fragile I need a big strong dead man to take care of me), view of love (I would DIE without you), sexuality (I want it, but we can't because I'll die) BARF. Thankfully, Laura Jean to the rescue found me this site: http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html so that I could read with sardonic glee that a) I was not the only one who felt this way about these books, but just had to keep reading and b) I do not have to suffer through the fourth book just to find out what happens. I'm back on Neil Gaiman and feeling very good about it. I'm listening to Neverworld right now, and downloading American Gods for later in the trip.

Sorry about that, but what is a blog for if not a good rant?

yellowstone, cloudy tetons, and jackson

2009-06-02T08:27:00.001-07:00

So, as planned, I drove through Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks yesterday. For some reason in my mind, I had confused Yellowstone and Yosemite and was expecting El Capitan and got Old Faithful. Meh. I remember being relatively unimpressed by the stinky, although beautiful, hot water last time I was here (what, 15 years ago?) and spent most of my time in Yellowstone taking pictures of buffalo.

Speaking of Bufflao, Scout and I were pulled over on the side of the road checking a rather large herd out and they make this funny almost mooing sound. Well Scout didn't know what to make of that and growled, and barked! Okay, maybe not barked, but tiny "roof! roof!"s that were a trip. Ah, my silly dog.

Then Grand Teton National Park was underwhelming as the mountains were completely socked in. It was a nice drive, but because it's raining today, I've decided not to go back to the parks and head on down the road instead.

Jackson is a precious little town. An interesting mix of old neon and Eddie Bauer, antlers and boutiques. From what I gather, a lot of rich liberals, ski bums, and a artsy folks live here. I really like that it's a town of less than 9,000 people, but they have a beautiful arts center, lots of biking, and a neighborhood just behind downtown fully of tiny cute houses. I think small houses are underappreciated and they make me happy.

So, I'm headed to Boulder. A day ahead of schedule, I may just take it easy and stop somewhere along the way if I get tired. I have secured couch surfs in both Boulder and Omaha, which is awesome! I've enjoyed a couple of days and nights to myself, but it will be nice to be social.

I'm settling into being on the road. It's so completely different from work. It's very relaxing, and liberating, and only the nights are lonely. I can appreciate that though. I'll have plenty of company soon enough, and being able to snuggle with Scout makes up for a lot.

Love to all!

good morning idaho falls!

2009-06-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

So, after an anxious night's sleep, eeeearly breakfast with my Quaker girls on my sunny front porch, and good byes too my roomies, I got on the road around 9:15 yesterday morning. It was a beautiful day in Portland and I listened to the Avett Brothers as I drove out 84. I was planning on staying with a friend's parents in Caldwell, but to my surprise, arrived there around 4:30 and wanted to keep on down the road. I got to Mountain Home, consulted my atlas (EXCELLENT last minute purchase from Powell's) and decided to head on hwy 20. Turns out, there's not a whole lot between Mountain Home, ID and Idaho Falls, ID other than big stretches of pretty nothingness. And a trippy place called Craters of the Moon that, yep the name is rather descriptive, looks like the surface of the moon. So I drove on to Idaho Falls, putting me about a day ahead of schedule as I'm now only around 2 hours from Yellowstone. I've decided to head north on 20 and enter Yellowstone from the north west entrance and then spend the day driving south to Jackson. Then tomorrow, I'll have a whole day to go back and explore more or head on to Boulder if I want. I've spent the morning trying to arrange last minute couch surfs in Boulder and Omaha. Then Friday, I'm looking forward to some familiar faces; lunch with college buddy Carly in Iowa City and a couple of days with my hs drama teacher and his wife in Normal, Illinois. Scout is a fantastic traveling companion as always and I'm already enjoying the delightful changes in scenery of this beautiful country. Yesterday the Gorge melted into desert of eastern Oregon, and then the flat plains surrounded by lovely mountains of Idaho. Lots of beautiful farmland, blue sky, and mountains, mountains, mountains. Yay for excellent beginnings!

(*and to all who are worried, I'm safe and sound and the car is running great... if that wasn't immediately obvious from above post. quit yer frettin')

big gulp

2009-05-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Wow, the last week has been a total blur.

Last Friday, Jon and I had our last show. It was bitter sweet. About half-way through I really realized that I'd never get to do it again. We've done something like 150 shows! The end of an era. We took a bunch of pictures after the show, and celebrated at the Horse Brass with our fellow puppeteers once we got back to stump-town.

In other news, I've decided to stop drinking for a while. I know this is probably really bad timing seeing as I'm about to embark on a road trip where I'm going to want to celebrate reunions all over the country, but basically, it's expensive, not that great for me. Meh? We'll see.

Over the weekend, Joe and I took a fantastic day trip to the coast (a little precursor to the big one coming up). Other weekend activities included teaching Joe how to drive a stick shift and enjoying the delicious sunshine that has been drenching Portland recently.

This week, I've been getting things in order for my trip. I've decided to leave on Sunday rather than Monday because I think I was cutting my timeline a little close. That way, I'm going to give myself an entire week to get to Chicago. If you're interested in my updated calendar you can see it here: http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src =annahhay%40gmail.com&ctz=America/Los_An

geles

I've been just writing lists, and trying to cross all my t's so that I don't forget anything. Strangely it hasn't been stressful at all. I guess I already did most of the work, but I still feel like I'm forgetting something because this is so easy.

Eeeeee! I can't believe I'm leaving so soon. I'm so excited about seeing friends and family and the big beauty of this great nation. Expect frequent updates from the road, and if you so desire, give me a call. I'll have LOTs of time on my hands.

holy jamole

2009-05-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. Only two shows left, about two weeks from my departure date for my trip, and I've started reading science fiction about vampires. What?!

big picture stuff

2009-04-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. A whole month without a post.

I could write here about mom's visit and how we learned a lot, loved a lot, and differentiated a lot. Or how 5 blissful days of real spring (read: 70s and sunny complete with birdies and flower buds) have reminded me why anyone lives in this town the other 8 months of the year. Or how I completed a really fun run of a great show in a real theater downtown (complete with huge and unflattering picture of yours truly in the paper). Or how my office has the crappiest management style ever, but that I am still coming back to work there next year. Or that I'm really getting excited about my trip this summer, especially the fact that Joe gets to come along from Chicago to Atlanta. But none of that is where I'm at right now, so I'm not gonna write that post.

The past few days I've been feeling, and I mean in the depths of my bones, the need to reorganize, refocus, reevaluate. I realized that I'm unhappy. All the big stuff is in order: great house (check), sweet boy (CHECK), great job (check), but the details, the little stuff, is falling apart (or already has and I'm just now realizing it) and it's bringing some of the big picture stuff to the forefront.

Yes, I love my job and I am thrilled about touring with Jonathan again next year, but the fact is that touring prevents me from leading the life that I want (building community, having routine, taking classes, etc.) It makes it very difficult for me to feel healthy physically or emotionally. This is a challenge that I still haven't figured out yet.

Yes, I have good housemates and the sweetest little house ever but I've realized that we really are more housemates than friends and that I would really like the house to be cleaner. (big surprise, right? Spring cleaning happening tonight, which I am hoping will reset these feelings).

Yes, Joe is so great, but the future is always on my periphery, and is constantly changing. I had started looking ahead with Joe in mind. Partially because I care deeply about him and can genuinely see building my life with him, and partially because LJ got engaged when she was 24, and hell's bells everyone I freaking know is getting married or already is. But you know what? Even though I've always expected that I would get married and have babies and unconsciously believed that those two things would be the end all be all of my life, I AM SO NOT THERE. And I don't know when or if I will be. That's right, if. I'm trying to deconstruct all of these assumptions I've had about what my life will be like, and it's hard. Hard. Joe is amazing, and I am so thankful and humbled to have him be in my life, but where we are right now has to be enough, and it is. I just have to stop getting ahead of myself.

So this is what I want; it's not a new list or even that revolutionary, but I'm finding that my oscillation between having my shit together and having it scattered to the winds happens often enough that having it written down never seems to hurt.

I wan to be healthy. I want to be physically active and capable and expressive. I want to eat foods that I enjoy and fuel my body. I've started running, and am hoping to carry this through the summer and tour next year.

I want to be dancing and/or trapez-ing. If I'm not, a part of my soul dies. Period.

I want to be exercising my mind. Since discovering holds at the library I've been reading a lot. I've already read more books this year than I did all last year. Check plus for me.

I want to get certified as an ASL interpreter. This is priority numero uno after next year's tour.

I want to live near family. Austin, Atlanta, or Western Carolina.

I want to be creative everyday. New ukelele is awesome and helps in this department. Also, determined to have a knitting project on my needles at all times.

I want to connect. I miss having a solid community of friends, and think this is just about the most important thing in life.

I want to be a professional puppeteer. Check. Considering alternatives for life after Tears of Joy. Center for Puppetry Arts? UConn for MFA? Start my own company?

Phew. I just hung a bunch of pictures in my room of friends from college, and bread and puppet, and family and honestly, it helps just to have those faces around me. Reminding me that I can do this, I have done it before and will do it again, and I am not, I am NOT alone.

in town

2009-03-30T20:12:00.001-07:00

Yay, I'm in Portland for a month and it makes me happy.

List of things that make me happy:

1) getting to see Joe! (even better when he makes me breakfast, we work on my bike, and watch math documentaries in between searching the depths of our souls and growing emotionally and all that). He is rad (and brilliant, and silly, and focused, and so kind and loving and considerate. I'm a lucky Hannah.)

2) Scout! (a very close second to the bf. even better to catch the two of them snuggling.)

3) the library! I've become a voracious reader lately thanks to the library and this lovely little thing called putting things on hold. I've read 4 more books by Chris Bohjalian this month, David Sedaris' newest collection, and just started Derrick Jensen's A Language Older Than Words. (I felt obligated to make a list as I've not updated my GoodReads page in ages.)

4) BIKING.

5) Getting to perform in a real theater. Like with fancy lights and a black floor and seats that people pay for. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job bringing the puppets to the kids in cafetoriums across the land, but I've gotta say, it's pretty freakin' sweet to be treated like a professional every once and again.

6) My house. My bed. My kitchen. My lovely housemates. Having a home and a community.

happy happy Hannah. Life is good.

yesterday was the best

2009-03-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we did a show at a school with the Deaf Education program for the county so I not only got to do 2 shows (WITH WORKING EQUIPTMENT, rock on), but I got to go to their classroom and introduce them to the story and puppets in ASL. Followed by a lovely drive back up to Bellingham, tasty food, good cheap wine, chattin' on the tele-phone with the bf, and socialization with Amanda and friends, and bed-time Dr. Who. Purdy awesome.

Starting with Sunday, I'm in town for a month. More awesome.

Now, onward post-sleeping in brunch and two more shows. Huzzah!

jonesin' for the southland

2009-03-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

So, last night after I'd checked into a crappy hotel in ARMPIT OF AMERICA otherwise known as Puyallup, Washington, I flicked on the tele to zone out. Yeah, this is why I don't own an idiot box, because I'd actually do this more frequently if I did. Regardless, I was flipping through, and came across a travel show about hot dogs... Yup, hot dogs. And in the intro they showed a clip from the Varsity (of course) and so I watched a 30 minute show about hot dogs just to watch the 5 minute segment about the Varsity. And I nearly cried. For serious.

It continues to amaze me that I actually miss Atlanta at all, and how sharp that's getting. Granted I haven't visited in over a year, but still. The list I could make about things I hate about that place is loooong, but today I had the funny thought that I might actually end back there someday. And that wouldn't be the end of the world. It's kind of how I thought I would never in a million years go to UGA and then ended up having a really great experience there. It would amuse me to no end if I made a home for myself in the place that I can't stop running from.

Ya see, besides a cache of my favorite people in the world living there, there is the minor bit about the Center for Puppetry Arts being there. Yeah, like THE place for puppets in the 'ole US of A. Ironic, huh? Ah, this life thing, never fails to surprise me.

I am counting the days until my roadtrip (constantly evolving, new update: Not doing the O'Neil. One puppet conference is enough for this summer). I am at a weird place in Portland. I have realized that it actually makes me uncomfortable to be living in a place not only of such uniform thought, but thought that so closely aligns with my own. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm craving some conservatives. Girl needs to be challenged. Girl needs some diversity, ya herd? Also, I'm not exactly deepening the connections I have here (because I'm working all the damn time, and honestly the only people I see these days are Joe, my housemates, work folks, and folks from Meeting all of whom I love, but still...). At the same time all of these people that I love, and I mean that in a would walk-in-front-of-a-bus-for kind of way, aren't here. And I'm barely maintaining friendships with them. The time difference really messes with my ability to keep up with people, and I've just done a crappy job at it of late. Le sigh. Needless to say, I am Very VERY excited about this summer and can feel my expectations rising like a thermometer in Georgia in July.

So if you're reading this, and live far away, this is for you. A little love letter from my little rainy home away from home. I don't think I could have said it better than my beautiful, talented, makes-me-laugh-'til-I-snort, kindred spirit friend, Lauren. Big love, y'all. Big love.

overworked and unafraid

2009-02-27T09:54:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't had 2 consecutive days off in over a month. I'm tired. A bit cranky. My batteries need rechargin'. Even those of us who love what we do can't do it ALL THE FEAKING TIME. Ahem. Did I mention cranky?

Next month is looking better. Had a little chat with my boss. Everyone is afraid of her because Sweet Momma J has a few Jeckyl/Hyde tendencies. I am really not afraid of her. This makes me a bit of a minority in my office.

Planning to try to get away next weekend perhaps. Dipping into savings for my own sanity seems worth it right now. (A note: the only way I have any savings right now is that I've got some crazy generous grandparents, aaaaand once I put money in my savings account I pretend it's not there. Until times like these, that is.)

I needs sleep and love. Sleep and love. Is that too much to ask for? I think not.

busy busy, road trip, good stuff

2009-02-17T14:30:00.000-08:00

Hey, so guess what? I'm busy. Big surprise there.

So, my life is split between rehearsing, performing, unloading and loading vans that break (two last week alone), learning lines, walking scout, Quaker-ing, hanging out at home, and spending time with my b-b-b-b-boy friend. Yep, kids after a month or so we've made it official. Mr. Narvaez is my bf.

So, for all of you waiting with baited breath: He's 27. Ecuadorian born, Miami raised. Did undergrad in Communication and Peace Studies with a minor in Women's studies at Loyola in Chicago. Did Americorps teaching ESL in Portland and is now in Oregon Tech's Sustainable Engineering program. He wants start a green non-profit training low-income people of color in practical skills to become certified in green building techniques so that they can enter the green revolution aaaand pull themselves out of poverty. He's interned at Green for All, and Van Jones even offered him a job. But besides all that, he's a man. He's got his shit together, knows what he wants, and has like, emotional boundaries and can communicate. He makes me feel like I'm sacred and beautiful and worthwhile. He's brilliant, but can be silly and snuggles like a champ. Did I mention that he's really cute? Swoon. And he's teaching me Spanish. Me gusta bailar!

So, other than being crazy busy with work and totally falling for a great guy, I'm planning the most epic of all epic road trips. It includes visiting all people and places I've neglected in recent months/years as well as 2 puppetry conferences/festivals. And all in less than 2 months! The itinerary has been through many phases and is by no means complete but as of now, I'll be driving Dave's car to the cabin and then flying home. Here's what I've got so far:

Leaving in early June take a couple of days to get to Yellowstone. Spend a couple of days exploring Yellowstone and Grand Teton national parks. Pull the long haul across South Dakota and Iowa. Enter Illinois from the south, visiting James and Erica Wagoner (hs drama teacher and wife). Then into Chicago to visit Meghan from B&P as well as Joe's friends if he comes with. Then across to Waterbury Connecticut for the O'neil Puppetry Conference (June 13-21). Then up to Vermont so that Joe can visit UVM (for the other master's program he's interested in) and over for a day or so at Bread and Puppet in Glover. From there down to NJ to visit Linda. Hop on the train for a couple of days in NYC to visit LJ+Dave as well as college/hs friends (Buck, Betsy, etc.) Then down the east coast stopping for a couple of days at the cabin (and meeting up with Helen in NC?) before continuing onto Athens (Megan Louise, Lauren, Matt Weeks, etc.) then Atlanta (Nina, Gaelyn, Pops, GA Grands parents, etc.). Then there's the National Puppet fest in Atlanta July 14-19. After that I'll drop the car at the cabin and somehow make it back to Atlanta to fly to Austin (visiting with the Hollingsworth clan/checking out cool places to maybe potentially perhaps live someday), and flying back to Portland sometime in Late July. Phew!

That is all. My life is happy and full and moving forward at the speed of light. Hope to see you this summer!

a poem I wrote on new year's

2009-02-12T20:07:00.000-08:00

I can feel the inside of my skin

dark and slimy wet velvet

opaque and shiny

it absorbs

digests

erases

my organs shine like mirrors

reflecting themselves into infinity

sparkling in the darkness

cold, and hard, and hollow.

I fit together like a puzzle,

nesting inside myself,

tongue and groove.

you'd never know by looking at me,

but if you pull my string,

I'll smile and hum

you'd never know

I've got diamonds in my toes.

yeah, yeah, I'm not dead on the side of the road

2009-01-31T21:57:00.001-08:00

Again, as my life gets more awesome, my internet presence declines. I am not at all convinced that this is a bad thing.

I made it home from Olympia safe and sound. Spent a couple of weeks in the office doing a whole lot of nothing (I get cranky when I'm bored), but got to go out on the road again this week and do some shows. Finally got to catch up with Taryn and hear about Palestine. She also hooked us up with couches in Seattle and came and saw our show and helped us pack the van. Quite excellent. We also got to crash with my beloved roomie Anna's folks out in the boonies of Vaughn, Wa. It is absolutely beautiful country up there, and it was so relaxing and rejuvenating to spend a whole 24 hours in their crooked yellow house that is bursting at the seams with art, good food, love, and color. Her mother, Britta, is an artist who is loud and speaks very quickly, so I felt right at home. She is also extremely kind and nurturing. The perfect hostess! I slept for 11 glorious hours (which I desperately needed), and left feeling inspired and relaxed. It just so happens that we'll be back in Vaughn this coming weekend, which I am quite excited about if only to hang out with Anna's folks once more.

Also in work-land, I'm learning a new show to do at libraries around Portland Saturdays in February. It's called Who's in Hare's House? and is based on the West African folk tales about Sangura the hare, who just so happens to be the trickster who evolved into Brer Rabbit on this side of the Atlantic. Also, I've gotten the script for the show we'll be doing in town in April. It's called The Fabulous Bear and is a Polish story. I'm thrilled because the puppets are super light, and my only parts are that as a narrator figure (just a brief introduction), and then later ... wait for it... a puppy! So most of my lines consist of, "Woof!" "Grrrrr!" "Arf!" THRILLED!

Aaaaaaand, I've started dating a fella who is pretty darn swell. It's still early, but he brings me flowers, showers me with affection, is terribly smart, and cooks a mean plantain. I'm a lucky lady.

it's the end of the world

2009-01-09T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm stuck in Olympia, Wa due to flooding and avalanches. I kid you not, flooding and avalanches. What's next? Locusts?

Thankfully I happened to bring two books and a knitting project on our supposed-to-be-a-one-night-trip, and Jon brought his ukelele.

Here's to Law and Order marathons kids!

___________ getting married

2009-01-06T21:09:00.001-08:00

I just saw Rachel Getting Married (mom- you'll be proud to know I snuck in a bag of popcorn pretending to be fat/pregnant; sigh. the things you taught me!) It is shot in this really voyeuristic way using almost exclusively hand held shots and diagetic music. It very vividly and candidly illustrates how complicated, fucked up, beautiful, sad, and totally worth it it is to be a part of a family. To invest in people who don't always seem worth investing in.

It made me miss Laura Jean and Dave. It made me want my mom to live closer to me. It made me want to call my dad.

All in all, a rather productive evening, I'd say.

aw geez.

2009-01-03T11:16:00.001-08:00

Here I go again not posting for weeks and weeks, leaving myself with a whole lot to post about. But! today is my catch-up-on-things-I've-been-meaning-to-do day and gosh darn it I will try!

So, let's see....

Snow in Portland was awesome and magical for about a day and then turned into a giant pain, because apparently this city knows less than Atlanta about dealing with winter weather. The week before Christmas Jon and I did about half the shows we were scheduled to do because of school closings. Thankfully we didn't get stranded anywhere, but we are both now a LOT more experienced winter weather drivers!

Apparently this kind of sustained snow is rare up here. It snowed on and off for a week, and then the Saturday before I was supposed to leave for Alaska, we got a good foot and a half, maybe two feet of snow. This put a bit of a damper on my plans for finishing up Christmas shopping, but I made due. LJ+Dave almost got stuck at SeaTac on their way to AK, but finally made it out on the last flight of the night (before they ran out of de-icer).

Monday morning brought with it even more snow and a small panic attack on my behalf. I was supposed to fly out at 10:30, and around 7:30 my ride said they didn't feel comfortable driving on the un-plowed roads, so I put on my long-underwear, jeans, and waterproof pants, 2 pairs of socks, mittens, hat, shirt, sweater, coat, and hat, donned my pack and trekked down Belmont to the bus. I thought I had hit the lottery when it arrived just as I did, but I realized after about 3 stops that I was going the wrong way and had to get off and wait 20 minutes for another going the opposite direction.

It was cold, but I was determined.

Also, since the switches on the MAX were frozen, I was having to take a bus to north middle of nowhere portland and wait for a shuttle to the airport. When the bus finally came it was driving with only one chain because all the others were broken. Awesome! After about 45 minutes we finally got to my stop, and then I had to trek about a quarter of a mile to the shuttle stop. There I was met with a line of about a 100 people also waiting for the shuttle. Waited in line... In the cold... Tried cracking jokes with my fellow que-ers... Finally a shuttle! but not enough room so had to wait for the next one... Did I mention the wind?

So finally I got on the following shuttle and about half-way to the airport, mom calls to tell me my flight has been officially cancelled. Okay! Did I mention I was determined? Early on (after I had a minor break down when I realized I was riding the wrong bus) I made the decision to take each leg of the journey as it came to me and be happy and optimistic and kind to those I encountered. And guess what? It actually worked! By the time I finally actually arrived at the airport a full 2 and a half hours after I'd left my house (usually a 20 minute drive) I felt like Rocky at the top of those steps in Philadelphia. I had made it!

Then I joined another line.

This one of Alaska Air passengers trying desperately to get out of town. The line stretched all the way back to security and doubled back. I told mom I was willing to wait 2 days for a flight, but after that I would go home. It was a zoo. There were people everywhere, sleeping, demanding, but mostly just waiting. While I was in line (about an hour) mom called and said that her boss (an Alaska Air Gold member) had called the airline and said that I was her niece and gotten me the last seat on the last flight out of PDX and the same out of SeaTac!

Sweet Jesus!

So then, I got to actually check in, and get through security. It was totally strange though because the gates were remarkably quiet, and deserted compared to the ticketing area. Also, neither of my flights were full, which I couldn't understand for the life of me, but was just thankful to be on them!

So! Christmas in Alaska! LJ+Dave and I drove to Seward my first day in town and went to the Sea Life Center there, and then had tasty fish and chips at a local diner. We saw moose and an bald eagle! Then LJ drove us back to Anchorage in a blizzard. She was our chauffeur the entire trip (because of the rental car insurance bs) and did great! Wednesday was Christmas Eve, and we spent the whole day watching Mad Men while mom was at work. Dave had gotten it (Mom did this present-a-day thing which was fun) and we all got hooked. Then when mom got off work, we went sledding! Super fun. Afterward we went to look at Christmas lights, and they were like no Christmas lights I had ever seen! The two houses that we went to each were transmitting a radio signal of Christmas music. Festive, right? But! They had also rigged some kind of program to make the lights dance and blink along with the music. It was like a Christmas light version of the visualizer in iTunes! Quite impressive. Then LJ+Dave and I staged a coup. Mom had planned to take us hunting for Northern Lights, but we just wanted a quiet night in. So I made dinner, Dave cleaned the kitchen and built a fire, and we watched It's a Wonderful Life, which is basically my idea of a perfect Christmas eve.

Christmas day we did the whole Christmas morning thing, and then ate tasty food. Bryon Harrington (son of one of momma's good friends) is stationed in Anchroage for the airforce and joined us for lunch. Then we got on the road and drove up to Talkeetna (teeny enclave of Alaska liberals. Town Northern Exposure was based on). We stayed at the Roadhouse there and saw a local production of a very funny sketch comedy show about the holidays called Home for the Hostilities. After a couple of beers with the locals at the Fairview Inn we all turned in to get ready for our adventures the next day.

DOG SLEDDING! That's right, we went dog sledding with a real Ididarod competitor. It was just about the coolest thing I have ever done. The weather was stunning, clear with fresh snow on the ground and trees, and the doggies were so excited and happy! It was amazing in the fullest sense of the word.

LJ and Dave that night at midnight and I spent the weekend hibernating with mom. Reading, movie watching, and eating tasty food. It was really nice to end on a relaxing note.

I flew back Monday morning with no hitches, and have been back at work. I cleaned and organized the office for two days! I think it was the first time some of the people at work had seen my OCD, and I think they were both amazed and slightly intimidated.

New Year's started with a fancy dinner at home provided by my illustrious room mate, Anna. Then I headed over to Goose and Amy's for board games. It was a nice low key way to ring in 2009.

2008 was one of my best years in recent memory, and I've got a suspicion that 2009 is gonna just keep getting better.

This year I make three resolutions:

1) To see my friends that don't live in Portland. It's been almost two years since I've seen some of you, and take note, you are on my list!

2) To finally build MY puppet show. This is something I've been talking about for a while. I'm gonna make it happen.

3) To focus. Sometimes I have a hard time getting things done because I want to do everything. I want to learn how to focus on the things that are important to me.

Alright, that's it kids. For those of you who have made it thus far, I salute you! You are a trooper and I appreciate your patience.

Love and blessings in this new year to all!

SNOW!!

2008-12-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

There's a full on snow storm happening right now in Portland and it's beautiful and cold and new. Wonder isn't a an experience I have daily, but I think it is so important. There's something about snow that's inherently magical.

At least for someone who grew up in Georgia.

Scout is absolutely freaking out. So happy and frolicking. I think he remembers playing in Alaska with Grace last year.

I walked the six cold blocks to Meeting this morning and was so overwhelmed. Meeting was obviously smaller, but such a blessing. I was overwhelmed by the saturation of love in my life. How being a part of that community has transformed my life in such beautiful ways in the past year. How blessed I am. So thankful. So very thankful.

This evening we're having a wintry gathering of the Young Adult Friends. Hot chocolate, cookies, and Irving Berlin's White Christmas (my contribution).

I am so very much in love with my life.

And know that if I don't talk to you regularly, I love you dearly and think of you often.

Thanksgiving, Peter and the Wolf, and my mother makes everything beautiful

2008-12-06T08:55:00.001-08:00

So, Thanksgiving:

Picked mom up at the airport around 6, lots of fast talking and giggling on the ride home. Trying to fall back asleep, which resulted in more fast talking and giggling. Walked my precious doggie. Found a treasure to make my house beautiful. Went to meeting. Came home and cooked and ate the un-Thanksgiving meal. Halibut (that mom, herself, caught and filleted!), brussel sprouts, delicata squash, and quinoia. Yum! A few glasses of wine and one tired fight later, we had a lovely evening in front of a beautiful fire. Watched a movie and went to bed. Friday we had AWESOME breakfast at Genie's, including best waitress ever and mom forgetting her wallet. Te-he. Then we did shop, but at Goodwill, and since it was my birth month, we saved 25%! LOVE Goodwill. Came home and organized our treasures. Got a call from a F/friend, who joined us for dinner, IKEA (in and out in 28 minutes!), Puppetz vs. People (Improv comedy + TOJ puppets + comedy sports people= AWESOME), Portland City Grill for drinks, then Voodoo for doughnuts (apple fritter the size of your face), then (because we had absolutely no self-control) the Roxy for onion rings and hash-browns. Phew. Epic Portland evening. The next morning, I suffered from what I can only assume was a sugar hang-over. Grumpy and unfocused, Saturday was a challenge in life, much less being a pleasant hostess. Mom dutifully made the curtains I promised we'd make together, and by the time we'd hung them, everything was happy. I dropped her at the airport, thankful that I have the most resilient, focused, generous, and loving (albeit stubborn) mother alive. Getting to know her as an adult has been one of the most rewarding challenges of the past few years and continues as we redefine our understandings of one another. Kudos momma for making everything better, even when it's hard and most other people would give up.

So, in the two days leading up to Thanksgiving, Jonathan and I very quickly learned Peter and the Wolf. This week was supposed to be set aside for rehearsals all week, but as nothing ever happens as planned over at TOJ, we had to run over to Astoria and do a couple of shows on Wednesday. Now, at first I was cranky, because I've really enjoyed my two weeks home and was not pleased to have that interrupted by having to take a day trip to the coast (I know that sounds bitchy, but I was also worried about Peter rehearsals). Anyway, as everything with this job that I at first dread, it ended up kicking some major ass. Astoria just turns out to be the cutest town ever, and all without being kitchsy or pretentious. We performed at this BEAUTIFUL old vaudeville theater built in 1924. It was in short, awesome. I was informed after returning home that Astoria is where they filmed the Goonies (THE GOONIES!). I'm moving there. End of story.

So, we pulled it off. Last night was our first of two performances of Peter and the Wolf and it was so much fun! I was nervous because I had never done Bonraku-style stuff before (puppeteers visible but dressed completely in black including henchmen-esque hoods and gloves), and I had to wear these ridiculous Spice-girl boots (like 6-inch platforms) because I wasn't tall enough. But it went great! Performing with live music was just about one of the coolest things I've ever gotten to do, and I got to meet Jonathan's parents (super adorable), and I had a bunch of friends come! All around great. And in case you were wondering I was the cat (difficult), the duck (my favorite), Peter's feet, a hunter, and alternately the bird and grandpa. Have I mentioned lately that I love my job?

So, today I have a long list of things that's been building for a while and I am so very excited to tackle it. It includes making a face for the Sasquach puppet that I'm building. Oh, yeah.

Aaaaand it's sunny. For like the third day in a row. It feels amazingly decadent.

hey! my life is starting to rock again! score!

2008-11-27T02:06:00.000-08:00

So, supremely awesome weekend.

Dad and I had a really great visit.

That bears repeating: I had a fantastic visit with my father!

He got in on Friday, and came and picked me up from work so he could see our studio and workshop. Then we had dinner at the Tin Shed on Alberta (so yummy). Saturday morning he came over and I fixed him brunch (my first attempt at a frittata was an amazing success). Anna ate with us, and I was really glad she got to meet and spend time with him. I broke my phone last week, so he took me and bought me a new one for my birthday. Super awesome, as I wouldn't have been able to afford one otherwise. Then he updated the operating system on my computer, which ended up being somewhat of an adventure in back-up land. I didn't have enough space on my computer, which forced me to finally back-up my senior project from my ASL independent study (three ASL interviews with sub-titles), which I'd basically been meaning to do since I finished it. (i.e. 2 years) After that, we went downtown to see a photography exhibit on the Columbia river gorge (1860-1950). Really cool. And then made our way to the Portland City Grill (30th floor = super awesome view of this city I love) for a shi shi birthday dinner. The next morning he came to meeting with me and then too me out to my favorite Thai place. Aaaand, he bought me gas. (!)

Even a year ago, the idea of us having a really relaxed, comfortable, (as in not awkward or frustrating) visit full of real conversations and just plain good times seemed like an impossibility. But we did. I felt like he was actually my father again for the first time in a really long time. And that was the best birthday present he could have given me. Very, very thankful.

And as for all the well-wishers, thankyouverymuch!

My 24th birthday kicked some major hiney. Anna and I cleaned house and then did a little last minute shopping (trader joe's for wine, new seasons for turkey day groceries, and fred meyer for balloons and streamers-- yep, I had balloons and streamers). Then we decorated and she fixed me an amazing birthday dinner. I had gotten a nicer bottle of wine for the two of us to start the evening, and I gotta say, when you're used to $3 wine, $10 wine feels faaan-cy. Before the party I got all fancy in one of my pretty dresses I never get to wear. Anna had just finished a knitting project that didn't turn out exactly how she had planned but made the perfect last minute accessory to my outfit. (pics to come) So then my friends came over and we had fun. I ate a lot of chocolate and drank a fair bit of wine (kudos to myself for switching to water before the party was over). We chatted in front of a fire, and danced up a storm. It was so great to have my awesome house full of some great people, many of whom I see on a regular basis, but many of whom I don't see often enough.

And if the first couple of days are any indicator, my 24th year is gonna be superb. One for the books.

rain and the like

2008-11-20T16:24:00.001-08:00

We had sun for about a second but the rain seems to be here to stay. In other news, turns out November is the least encouraging month to begin a running regimen in Portland. I've been biking when it's not too nasty and that lifts my heart (rate) and spirits. Currently seeking indoor activities beyond snuggling with Scout for exercise.

Back on my no wheat/dairy kick and feeling very nice. I bought a LOT of groceries last weekend and am working my way to 3 part happiness: full pantry, clean house, clean clothes. Always seems to work for me. Maslov and all that.

November has been considerably lighter in the travel department. We'll have one or two nights out then two or three home. It's been pretty darn great to get to feel like I live in Portland again.

Speaking of, I have fallen back in love with this city and am not going anywhere for a while. The biking, the mountains, burgerville, my kick ass job, a budding community... so much to love.

My housing situation while it continues to kick ass, is in half-replacement mode. I understand and love my roomies and understand the need for transition, but I am ready for that to be stable for a while. I mean you Anna. No moving. Seriously.

A little in panic mode about finding someone to watch Scout for me while I'm in AK for Christmas. I'll be gone a week and can't afford $20/night to board him, and I'm too freaked to fly him up in cargo in the winter. Blah. Stress. Can't. Deal.

In other news, I get older this weekend. Yep, 24 on Sunday. Having a few friends over for dancing and cupcakes, because really, what is better than that?

Also, a week from today is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday. Mom's flying down and we're going to eat Halibut and gingerbread and watch movies in front of a fire. Should be smashing.

Aaaaaand, my daddy-o is flying in tonight and will be here for the weekend, and at the risk of actually having expectations, I'm kind of excited. Awkward hugs, and all that.

So, as the seasonal affected disorder rolls in like the clouds I'm fighting back with cleanliness, a whole mess of food, and time with people that mean a whole lot to me. Look at me being all mature and stuff. Shucks.

may it be noted

2008-11-09T22:42:00.000-08:00

I had a really fantastic weekend.

In light of recent emotional states, this means quite a lot.

that's all.

future proche

2008-11-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

There's a tense in French called the 'near future' that describes things, big surprise, that are going to happen in the near future. I have a weird habit of living my life in the near future. I realized recently that my fantasies about living in Asheville next year had become somewhat escapist. Tour is getting hard, and even though I had thought I had really organized a couple of weekends ago and gotten my priorities straight, all I really had done was realize that they needed straightening. Specifically, I need to figure out a way to feed my passions for creating. I made some prints today, and it was extremely satisfying. I also have some plans for long-term projects that are quite exciting (have I mentioned the Sasquach puppet lately?) I've also started investing again in my space. Space is super important to me, but I also have a bad habit of not changing anything after I've moved in. I hung more stuff on my walls today, but need more. I think that's all I want for my birthday. Art.

Also, making slightly ambitious (ambitious in that I'll probably fail way) to start running. I'm at the threshold of fat-kid-dom (i.e. I don't want to weigh more than I do now) and I'm not entirely pleased. I talk a lot of talk about being active, and being strong but the thing is, I'm not. Thinking about signing up for a 5k around the new year for motivation.

Basically, I have a fantastic life, and I'm trying to get my head straight so that I can recognize that more easily on a daily basis. It never hurts to learn again that it really is no one's responsibility but my own to build the life that I want to lead. This is it.

landslide indeed

2008-11-05T15:07:00.000-08:00

After 8 years of being ashamed, frightened, scared, and frustrated with my country and my leaders, I am hopeful, optimistic, proud, and gosh darn excited. I cried like a baby last night. It was the first time I've felt pure joy in a pretty long time.

I was talking about the election with some friends last Saturday and one of the guys I was talking to mentioned that our generation hasn't really had anybody that we've ever looked up to or been truly inspired by. That's one of the many reasons this election has meant so much to us. We admire (President Elect!) Obama, are inspired by him.

I know it's going to be a long hard road, but I have the confidence that The United States can heal.

Thank you to everyone who voted, organized, or just participated. You are what make our country great.

a very happy election day to you!

2008-11-04T12:49:00.000-08:00

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

(Turn and face the strain)

Ch-ch-changes

Don't want to be a richer (wo) man

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

(Turn and face the strain)

Ch-ch-changes

Just gonna have to (vote for) a different man

Time may change me

But I can't change time.

Yep, I just quoted Bowie in honor of election day.

I'm giddy. Fingers crossed, prayers prayed, now I'm just trying to keep from getting ahead of myself. I'm still in a dreamy "oh my god, can it be true?" And on top of the fact that Obama may very well win this election (please, please, please), Georgia may go blue. Let me reiterate: GEORGIA may go BLUE. (aw, shucks).

Regardless, Bush cannot be re-elected, which should be a relief to everyone, including those who helped elect him (*ahem*).

I love voting. It's inspiring. It's... it's... getting your opinion to count. It's just great. I love it so much it gets me all inarticulate.

And so... partially in honor of the changing face of America (did I mention that I was excited?!) and partially because of my current emotional roller coaster, I'm making some changes in my own life.

In a moment of introspection over the weekend, I remembered that when I take care of myself physically, I feel better emotionally. I also enjoy a healthy obsession, so I'm focusing on what I'm fueling my body with, and how I'm taking care of it. In the spirit of accountability I'm posting some goals. Cheers!

1) I will drink at least a liter of water every day.

2) I will do 5 sequences of sun salutations every morning.

3) I will take at least a 30 minute walk every day.

4) I will limit and work to cut wheat and dairy from my diet.

5) I will re-focus my nutrition to include protein, a whole grain, and veggies at every meal.

6) I will be sure to take my iron every day. For serious.

All stuff I can do. No excuses.

C'mon kids, bust a move.

good things

2008-11-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

1 extra hour of sleep

quaker meeting

gold leaves

scout

tea with a friend

groceries

a clean refrigerator

vegan pumpkin gingerbread

a house (soon to be) full of good Friends

I am very blessed.

le sigh

2008-11-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

Le sigh. I realized this week that I'm depressed. Not reaching-for-the-pills depressed, just down. Before I get too hard on myself as I am wont to do, I realize that this kind of makes sense. I had a crappy break up and being on the road makes it really hard to feel connected to a community in Portland. It makes it hard to feel connected to a life in Portland. And if I have learned anything in my 23 years of living, it's that feeling connected is the most important thing to me. Yes, I have friends here, and they are great! But having a real sense of community here would take years, and I'm trying to decide if that's a commitment I'm ready to make.

I've been toying with the idea of moving to Asheville next summer. There's something to be said for moving 2,000 miles away and completely starting your life over again, just to know that you can. But I'm starting to realize that there's also something to be said for being physically close to the people you are emotionally close to. Yes, if I had moved to North Carolina immediately after graduation I would have felt like I was settling and always wonder. But I have done it. I know I can, and I think that may have been all I needed. Being here to help with LJ+Dave's wedding was priceless, and working with Tears of Joy and knowing that I could actually do this puppetry thing as a career, has also been an invaluable experience. I have so enjoyed exploring my spirituality at Quaker meeting and making the diverse friend group that I have but... The thing is there's always a but at the end of that sentence for me, and I'm trying to figure out what that's about. It's complicated, I suppose, as these things often are.

So, I'm pushing through it. Trying really hard to figure things out. To think things through, but also get out of my head and listen to my heart. If you pray, I'd appreciate your prayers. If you don't, just send me some love. I'll take care of it and be sure to send some back soon.

blog wars

2008-10-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

My relatives are engaged in an all out blog-war. I find this mildly amusing. We never talk about politics in my mom's family (well, at least not in mixed company) because of one simple understanding: we're not going to change each others minds, but we might hurt each other's feelings. I love my family. I respect my family. I enjoy witty banter and political discourse.

I am not going to blog about why I'm voting for Obama. (as if that were a surprise to anyone anyway).

Because, the fact is, I'm not going to change your mind. My mom isn't going to change Natalie's mind. Natalie isn't going to change Aunt Kathy's mind.

And that's okay.

I just hope this conversation is just that; a conversation. Because that's the most valuable thing we can gain from one another. That or just get frustrated and stop listening or reading as the case may be.

I hope it's the former, but I've been told I'm an optimist.

blue skies

2008-10-18T14:37:00.001-07:00

It's beautiful outside, and it's helping.

After a long week on the road, coming home last night I felt melancholy. Scout and I snuggled, I put on clean sheets and listened to the Avett Brothers. I want to figure out how to be pursuing all of my interests at the same time. The fact that I have a job in the exact field I want is amazing, but surprisingly not enough. I want to be signing. I want to be on the trapeze. I am trying to figure out how to make this work.

I have also decided that although I adore Portland, I am willing to follow puppetry jobs and training wherever they might be. This is kind of a big deal as up to this point most of the major life decisions I've made have been focused around where to live. It's also kind of crazy because it means I've decided to follow this puppetry thing as a career path. It sounds way too adult when I put it like that so it helps to remind myself that I'm talking about puppetry.

I'm still going through the ups and downs of a break-up. I've had about one bad day a week, which I'd say isn't too bad. Today, it's sunny and I spent the morning at an apple tasting, buying pumpkins, and chowing down on Pho with one of my roomies. Now, I'm having a beer and enjoying the afternoon. Soon, our house will be full of pumpkin carving festivities and I'm delighted. We stumble, and scrape our knees, but who would want to live in a world without scar stories?

I'm a bad blogger

2008-10-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

So, I've been a bit remiss in updating lately, but that's mainly because my life has been sucking. So badly in fact that anything would be an improvement, so guess what kids? Things are looking up!

The bad:

I hate traffic. 8 hour soul-crushing traffic jams that happen on Fridays specifically.

I hate boys. Specifically those of the long blond hair variety without the balls to know a goddamn (sorry mom) thing about themselves and feel the need to inflict pain on those around them with forays into "honesty." If that sounds enigmatic, realize that you are correct! The shorthand is that I broke up with Avery. He is a stupid boy. That is over. Finito. Don't ask how he is because I don't know.

I hate it when my body revolts against me. Like when 4 hours after breaking up with avery my body decided to have a ruptured ovarian cyst that was excruciatingly painful and took a day and a half hospital stay to figure out. (THANK GOD I have insurance).

The good:

My job is rad. I get to do puppet shows for kids. They make me feel like a rockstar. Being on the road is hard, but definitely worth it. I'm seeing some beautiful country, visiting friends (!), and thankfully Jonathan shares my Law and Order obsession.

I love coming home to my home. This is such an important part of my life, and I'm so blessed by my awesome living situation.

Have devised a rather shaky but terribly exciting plan for spending most of my summer split between the south east and north east. Details forthcoming.

thank you for being patient with me blog readers. I am back, not quite with a vengeance, but with something.

the quick and dirty

2008-09-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm getting insurance (thanks dad!).

We had our official dress rehearsal last night (and it went really well!)

I'll be on the road this time next week.

My foot's doing fine.

I gave Scout a bath last night.

I learned the entire "Who's on First" routine by Abbot and Costello and performed it tonight (with a puppet) at TOJ's benefit dinner for about 200 people.

So basically things are good and I am exhausted.

franken foot!

2008-09-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

Alright kids, enough of emo Hannah. I love you and miss you, but I'm getting on with my life.

Woke up super happy and optimistic today. Number one: I got to see Avery last night, which was basically really great. I really appreciate the times that we get to hang out and have time to talk about more than just what's going on in our lives. Big things, important things. Spending time like that makes me feel so connected, present, and relaxed. That's pretty amazing and I'm unbelievably thankful for it (and him).

So I woke up happy. Then, driving to work I remembered that I was going to get to see a puppet show today. Score! Being a puppeteer basically rocks because not only do I get to play with puppets, I get to watch my co-workers do the same. So I got to work, Jonathan and I set up our set (a note here on the fact that Jonathan basically rocks, we make a great team (TEAM JO-HA!) and I'm so delighted to be touring with him). Then we walked over to the rehearsal space for the team doing The Reluctant Dragon (about a dragon who loves poetry and sunsets). On the way there, I got a stick caught behind my left heel so when I strode forward with my right it cut me (on the top of my ankle where the curve is). I looked down, and was like, "Man, that hurt" but kept walking. A few steps later I looked down and there was blood everywhere! I started laughing because it was such a ridiculous situation and hobbled the rest of the way. Once I got to the space I wrapped it up with a piece of gauzy fabric and an ace bandage. As long as my foot was flexed it wouldn't bleed, so I wrapped it that way. Anyway, the show was GREAT! They start their tour tomorrow, (two weeks before we leave) so I was super impressed. Then we all went out to this amazing buffet called Horn of Africa and completely gorged ourselves. Since we usually are only working on our individual shows, it was really fun to just hang out with everybody. Then when we got back to the office, we met with head honcho Janet who scolded us for leaving the workshop in shambles. I checked my foot out during the meeting and discovered that it was still bleeding (4 hours later) if I moved it. So I told Nancy, and she sent me to the ER. An hour and a half, a tetnus shot, and 5 stitches later I came back laughing about the whole experience.

So basically my work day consisted of setting up my set, cutting my foot, watching a great puppet show, eating amazing Ethopian food, and going to the ER. Not too bad.

everywhere at once, take two

2008-09-07T21:03:00.001-07:00

Again feeling slightly overwhelmed in both the immediate and long term.

Funny, since this time my life actually has a shape to it. I'm settling into being a puppeteer 9-5 M-F. It's funny how regular it seems right now. I'll be on the road soon though. Daunting. That's the only word I can think of to describe touring right now. But rehearsals are going great, and I'm really enjoying working with my touring partner and director.

I've decided to go back to get an MFA in puppetry sometime in the next ten years. Probably get certified as an ASL interpreter sometime in there too. The order is kind of fuzzy, and it's a little overwhelming to think about, but it's good. Confusing and intense, but good.

Things are going great, but I'm feeling that creeping Sunday night feeling.

I just watched some YouTube videos from this summer at Bread and Puppet and can't believe I missed it. Missed. In the complete definition of the word. I miss Megan and Taryn so much it hurts. I can't believe it's been almost a year since all 3 of the little piggies were united. I felt the same thing during the 2-3 weeks they were there on the farm, but since then I've settled into being happy about my life here in Portland. Feeling present, and thankful that I'm here. (Damn you YouTube and lazy Sunday evenings for making me feel otherwise!) But the thing is, I miss all of my friends. I'm just now getting to know a couple of people here. Really getting to know. Namely Avery and Anna, which is fantastic! And I'm terribly thankful for their friendship. I'm still slowly building and extending my community. But since Laura Jean has left, it's made me realize how few people know me. Really know me in that way that Hallmark has hijacked to make everything I try to say about it sound cleichéd.

I can't believe it's been a year and a half since I sat across from Nina tasting her adventures in foccicia. A year and a half since I took a walk with Helen down Boulevard with Scout. Since I drank PBR out of a boot at 283 with Matt Weeks. Since Lauren made working at Earth Fare not feel like work. Since Megan Louise and I made dinner. And that's just Athens people!

I miss my friends. Being away from people who know you makes you feel kind of lost. You see yourself in them. It's like being reassured that you're okay, that you do exist. It's a lot harder to do on your own.

I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. I just wanted to send some love to the people I care about most, but see the least.

little bikes, big cute

2008-09-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

My bike route to work passes the uber Portland Sunnyside Environmental School. It is ridiculously cute with its acre kickball lot and playground, 20s red brick exterior, and gardens surrounding the school for everything from the literacy garden (I'm guessing, since each plant has a letter next to it) to giant sunflowers growing outside almost every window. Needless to say, this place is cute, and slightly ideal. Then yesterday, just as I was approaching, I noticed not one, not two, but at least 10 sets of parents biking their kids to school. Most were on tandem bikes, and I gotta say, I almost fell over with the Portland-ness of it. It was one of those moments that I reconsidered maybe living here forever. I mean, I want to be able to bike my kids to school. Ah, Portland.

sick

2008-09-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

I need healthcare. I have the opportunity for healthcare. I don't know if I can afford it.

Here's the deal, after taxes my first biweekly paycheck came to a whopping total of $517 and some change. Sweet! I can actually live off of that. Then I was given information regarding health insurance (even the fact that it's offered for a gig like this, kind of blows my mind). Thing is it would skim $96 off of each paycheck. That's 20% of my income. Since my rent is $393, that would leave me with roughly $30 to make it to the middle of the month. With bills, cell phone, and car insurance, I can't afford that. But at the same time, I'm thinking, how can I afford not to? If I, heaven forbid, broke my leg, I'd be in debt up to my ears. But, $200 is a LOT of money when you're only bringing home about $1,000 a month. Sheesh.

I know it's election season and the rhetoric is 'aflyin, but can I just say that it confounds and saddens me that although we live in the richest nation in the world we can't figure out a way to provide healthcare for our citizens. It's a basic right in my opinion as you can't very well pursue happiness with insurance companies hounding you for premiums you can't afford. Can we just elect Obama already? Please?

Okay, I'll step down off my soap box, but I could really use some advice. I'm genuinely confused about what to do. Help oh sages of the blog-sphere! Help a woman in need!

pies, puppets, & projects

2008-08-31T08:37:00.001-07:00

So, last weekend I had the great fortune of attending the Nomadic Theater Company's Cotillion and Pie fight. Yep, a fancy dance and pie fight (c'mon, they're clowns, remember?). It was a fundraiser to take their show, Running into Walls, to the NYC Clown Festival, and it was a smashing (hehe) success. I baked my first pie (for the eating part of the festivities, not the throwing), and surprisingly it actually turned out really well. It was a fruits of the forest pie (strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, blueberry, rubarb, and apple; my personal favorite), and the top crust had a face cut out of it with bottle caps. (Pictures to come.) It is so rare that I have an undertaking that turns out exactly how I picture it in my head. This one did, and it was super satisfying. I was talking to mom as I baked it and told her that it incorporated all the things she'd ever taught me. How to follow directions. Being patient, and persistent. Being hopeful. Believing in myself. Being creative and silly and sharing with others without reservation. I unfortunately got a little lost on the way there, but ended up there in time to help with some of the last minute set up and be photographer for the event (my camera is broken, so I had to use Sarah's camera. Now I've got to get copies of those pics from her! Ahhhhh, I just need to suck it up and buy a new camera).

Sunday night, despite a driving and chilly rain, Anna, her man Bryan, Avery and I went to the Avett Brothers concert at the Zoo. Anna had scored free tickets from one of her contacts at Wend (the magazine where she works) and we were the lucky benefactors of her generosity. It was a great show, and I had surprisingly existential reflections on it. You see the Avett Brothers are from North Carolina, and for all of my running to get away from the South, it really is my home. And sometimes I miss it. And I might (probably) move back someday, and that's okay. I think it's a really important difference though that if/when I ever move back it would be a conscious choice, not just the easy choice. Moving away has been really important to know that I could. And I love living in Portland (LOVE), and as much as I feel at home here, I don't know if it will ever be my home.

This past week was my second as a professional puppeteer. Our schedule is roughly to rehearse from 9-2, hour lunch, then workshop of some sort from 3-5. I was driving for about the first week and a half, and then Tuesday driving home in traffic, I remembered how much I hate driving. So Wednesday I started biking. It took me about three days to find a good route (thanks Amy!), but now that I have it's great! I'm getting exercise, and happy chemicals in my brain, and it's absolutely the best way to wake up in the morning. I keep joking that with 5 hours of puppet rehearsals and an hour of biking everyday, I'm going to start looking like a monkey (strong arms and legs with a little belly). I've actually started having to do some pilates at home because if I don't strengthen my core, I could really hurt my back from the puppetry. Speaking of, Thursday of the first week we actually started working through all the blocking with the puppets, and last Wednesday we actually had a run through! (minus the shadow puppets). Phew! I can't believe we're moving so fast! Since Wednesday we have added in all the shadow puppet scenes, light, and sound cues. This leaves us a good three weeks to just work through every little piece of the show (which we started doing on Friday). I am totally exhausted when I get home from work, but really happy.

Lastly, Avery and I are finally learning how to balance together time and apart time. This, I think is a super-important part of any relationship, and I'm so glad that we can communicate about what we need so easily. So, this week we didn't see each other until Thursday (and had a lovely date night including him seeing my work, dinner, beer, Last Thursday on Alberta, and bike riding), which has given me time to pursue all the little projects around the house I've been meaning to get to for Forever. For instance, organizing the office nook upstairs. We have this lovely little nook upstairs, and when Sarah was working from home she built a desk in the closet-ish space. I since inherited lots of office stuff from LJ's big move and finally organized it into a workable space. I have decided to no more have my computer in my room and ONLY use it in the office. I think this delegation of space will be good for my time management skills as well as self-control. (i.e. being able to actually turn the computer off). Then, yesterday, I completed project of projects that has been hanging over my head since I moved back to this house in late June: hanging curtains. The best part of my room is the windows. I have three big windows on the front of the house that are just lovely. Unfortunately, they are also situated in such a way that if I have my blinds open, I am right on sight level for the sidewalk or street when I am laying on my bed. Not exactly private. Then, Friday, Anna had the wonderful idea to do half curtains for privacy. I got to work yesterday morning, and the result is amazing! I can have my blinds open, and still have privacy, not to mention they're beautiful and make my entire room feel bigger and just gosh darn prettier. Again, pictures to com when I can get my hands on a camera...

Phew, the downside of me updating this thing irregularly is longer posts, but I figure those who really care can shuffle through. I'm having a fantastic Labor Day weekend at home. I had planned to be away, but since my travels are starting SOON, I could think of no better way to relax than in my own home. Love to all!

alright, alright, I'll update already.

2008-08-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

The PlayWrite workshop was a smashing success. I'm still learning how to be a good coach, but it is a life changing experience every time. It is amazing how kids who are systematically marginalized, can be such eager and expressive artists. Also, Avery got to come to the performance, which I was really excited about.

A couple of weekends ago, I got to go camping with Avery and his tribe of folks he's grown up with (like his allofus on steroids). They've all gone camping in Steamboat (Oregon, not Colorado) for the past 25 years (read: before Avery was even in the picture). It was beautiful, very relaxing, and a good bit of fun. It was very special to be able to share in a place and with people that mean so much to him.

I started Tears of Joy on Monday and am still having to pinch myself to believe that I'm actually getting paid to do this. We've been rehearsing and getting oriented which entails such hard work as hearing stories about the company sleuthing out stolen puppets and hotwired vans as well as playing theater games and making sure we know how to drive a cargo van. The only thing that feels like actual work at this point is that it is physically demanding. Our show is pretty traditional stick and rod puppetry. The puppets are pretty big (5-10 lbs a piece) and will have to be held over our heads the entire show. I'm starting my conditioning doing what I call puppet reps. I'll hold the puppets up for intervals of 1 minute at a time. Phew. It is HARD. But, if that's the only thing I have to complain about, my life is pretty good.

I threw Laura Jean and Dave a farewell dinner party at my house Tuesday night. It was one of those days where nothing was really going right (I got out of work late, Avery had a minor bike accident), but with my roommate's help (Anna and Elsie were rock stars!) as well as some sous-chefing from Avery, I pulled it off without a hitch. In attendance were the illustrious LJ and Dave, Laura Jean's rommie Carole, Goose and Amy, and Don Miller even stopped in in time for dessert. All in all it was a lovely evening.

wedding pics!

2008-08-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

the actual wedding pictures.

gearing up

2008-08-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, since no one probably had the patience to read the last (epic) post, I'll sum it up here: Dave and Laura Jean got hitched and it was happy to the nth. All things went smoothly and delightfully, partying with friends and family was a highlight. Good. Now no one has to feel guilty.

I spent basically the entire week in bed recovering from Long/Moore Wedding Extravaganza 2k8 and gathering my strength for the intensity of the next stage of my summer, which is a two week PlayWrite workshop at St. Mary's Home for Boys. Since I only participated in the second half of the last workshop, I got some much needed last minute training this morning. It's also going to be a bit more intensive as we will only have two 4 day weeks of 3 hour workshops (including a performance) instead of two five day weeks of 4 hour workshops plus an entire day for performances. If that didn't make any sense, basically the total number of workshop hours is cut by roughly a third. Did I mention that St. Mary's is a level 5 facility, which means that all of the boys we will be working with have either killed or raped someone? And they're between the ages of 10 and 17. Yeah, this is going to be intense. I am excited though. I know they have stories. I am excited to listen to them. To show them that someone thinks their stories are worth hearing.

Also, this weekend I got to host an old friend/acquaintance from Athens who was visiting before he started a domestic (study abroad-esque) program in the Pacific Northwest. We did the sky tram up to OHSU (so cool), Powell's, the waterfront, biked the springwater, went to a movie at the Laurelhurst, and hiked in Forest Park. All in all, it was lovely sharing my love of Portland with a friend, and I love getting an excuse to do tourist-y things in my own city. Also! we randomly ran across Sojourn doing a rehearsal for Ten Tiny Dances on the South Waterfront and I finally got to say hi to Michael in person! (we've been playing email tag off and on for months). I am continued to be amazed by the serendipity of running into people here and how small Portland can feel.

phew. LJ and Dave are done and hitched and I am tired.

2008-07-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

The last week has been a whole mess of awesome with a lot of "this really must get done" thrown in.

A week ago (c-ra-zy that it was already a week ago) my mom arrived in town and the wedding festivities got underway.... starting with me getting sick. Both LJ and Avery had been sick with different throat/chest infections in previous weeks so I don't know if I got it from one of them or if it was a double whammy. Regardless, Laura Jean insisted that I visit a doctor so that I'd be feeling better by her wedding. Thank god mom was in town so she could pay for my uninsured ass. Also thank god for Zoom Care. They saw me 10 minutes before my appointment was even supposed to start and I was in and out in 20 minutes. Woah.

So I spent most of Wednesday and Thursday in bed trying to gather my strength for the impending par-tay. Wednesday evening Avery and I had special dinner with Momma so that she could meet him. That was super fun. Thursday we (LJ, Mom, and I) picked up our dresses, and ran last minute errands. That afternoon I kicked into total adrenaline mode for dinner with dad's family and didn't pull out of that gear until sometime Monday afternoon and I'm still recovering somewhat. Dinner with Dad's family went surprisingly well. Avery was there and was amazing. I find it's always best with dad's family if I expect the worst. That way if they don't make me cry it's a really successful interaction. From there, LJ and I went straight to her bachelorette party at Oaks Park to roller skate. She was complete with veil/tiara combo, and bright pink sash -- ensemble put together by yours truly. (can I just say, and this is the only time I'll say it, I was a really good sister of the bride). A random smattering of about 12 of her friends were there, and Grand Joyce and Aunt Susan even came (and skated!) but I think Mom, Laura Jean and I had the most fun. I lost my voice that night and have sounded like Lauren BaCall since. Kind of sexy but mostly silly.

Friday was lots of running around getting last minute stuff done in between welcoming folks arriving from out of town. It was so neat to see our entire family, and chosen family in Portland! That evening was dinner with Mom's whole side of the family. I really enjoyed talking to my cousins. It is really amazing to see everyone with completely different lives, but still being themselves. I don't know. It's funny how most of the people in my family and chosen family I actually have very little in common with, but the fact that I have known them basically forever, and have seen them (and vice versa) in every stage of their/my lives that makes sharing common interests secondary or unimportant all together. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I love my family and it was great to see everyone.

Then, Friday night, LJ and Dave threw a little get together for all the out of town guests at Dave's house (may I commend them highly for organizing the week so that they actually got to spend time with all their guests in from all over the place). I played taxi driver to the cousins who wanted to attend and in-between ran home and baked my two cakes for the wedding (Laura Jean had her friends bake 20 cakes, so that one could be on the center of each table as the center-piece). I baked two of the same recipe, my mother's grandmother Nanny Lowry's Buttermilk cake-- one with raspberry jam between the layers and the other with blackberry. (I had practiced earlier in the week, and between my room mates and all of our boyfriends it was gone in 12 hours, so I felt pretty good about the recipe). Anyway, I whipped those together, put them in the oven, ran back over to Dave's to pick up the cousins and drop them off at their hotel, and was back just in time for my cakes to be perfectly golden. I crashed into bed before midnight, which was amazing.

Saturday morning, most of the cake bakers descended upon Goose and Amy's sweet little perpetually in renovation abode in NE. The three women with Kitchen Aide mixers took to the kitchen to whip up the icing for ALL 20 cakes, and the rest of us got to icing. It took a couple of hours but they all got done, and let me just tell you, nothing is more delightful than 20 pink boxes (of cake! get your mid out of the gutter).

Please allow me a moment to gush over the complete power-couple that is Goose and Amy. In many ways this weekend, but especially Saturday and Sunday morning they stepped up to help many times without having to be asked. All throughout the icing party, Goose was in the background (not exactly his normal role), picking up breakfast, washing dishes, and cutting cardboard for cake support. Amy spearheaded the entire operation, and hosted the slightly loud and messy event in her home. Sunday they were the point man/woman keeping LJ and Dave on task and basically doing whatever needed doing, no questions asked, with smiles on their faces. Of course their involvement in the ceremony was categorically perfect. Amy read a beautiful poem from Walt Whitman, and Goose lived up to his reputation by being in turns silly, more silly, and even more heartfelt. In the words of Dave Moore, they're gold.

Saturday afternoon, LJ, Mom, and I raced to our nail appointment at 2 (we were a bit late) and all had manicures and pedicures. Mom was super-mom as always and ran next door to Trader Joe's to grab us food and even fed it to us as we were getting our nails done. Don't worry, she was properly pampered too. That took a little longer than we had all anticipated and left us racing to get ready for the rehearsal. We were a bit late as there was some last-minute gift wrapping that needed to get done before I could drive LJ to Mt. Tabor. Thank God that both LJ and Dave as well as I live about a mile from the site of the wedding. Anyway, we ran through the ceremony (bare bones, as to not ruin any necessary surprises) twice. My favorite part was the first time, Aunt Susan (acting as wedding director) forgot Laura Jean and had Sally start the ceremony without her. As I was the flower girl and standing in the back with Laura Jean, I yelled to the front, "Hey, Susan! Don't you need a bride?" Laughter ensued.

Rehearsal dinner was at Don Miller's loft in Sellwood. He, unfortunately, was not in attendance as he was flying back from a 7 week bike trek across the country. Of course, it was absolutely representative of his generosity to open his home to 50 people, most of whom he didn't even know in honor of his friends. Dave's friend Cheryl and three of her friends had spent the entire day cooking a Mexican feast and setting up the entire event, which was completely lovely and miraculously, like everything else went off without a hitch. Around 10, I drove Laura Jean home, helped her clean her apartment and kissed her goodnight.

Sunday morning was slightly stressful. There was a minor fiasco in fixing a piece of jewelry for my mother that took about 5 times longer than anticipated and included me cursing her name. Then I was taking our good family friend Ephriam to help out with reception set-up and got completely lost trying to find the Mississippi ballroom. Totally frustrating because I had just spent time with Avery on Mississippi about two weeks ago. It should have taken 20 minutes and took an hour and a half. That was really frustrating, but I will never get lost going up there again. Once I had picked up my cousins and finally got to Laura Jean's house everything was happy. Amy and Sally were there, and when I arrived with Leslie and Jenny, Leslie got to work doing LJ's make-up. A little later, mom arrived with tales of woe from the reception set-up (a little shout out to operation bird-dog here, Ta-tas, Tom and Caroline, and basically everyone from Mom's family, Y'all did an AMAZING job under intense time pressure and no one could thank you enough for all that you did for that wedding. It would not have happened without you, and you did it with grace and joy that still makes me want to cry when I think about it. What you did can only be described as love in the fullest most active sense of the word. Y'all are fantastic.) Anyway after a brief stress release on momma's part we all had super-fun getting dressed. Laura Jean looked stunning. (I really don't have any pictures yet, because I trusted everyone else to take care of that. I will post some as soon as I get them.) Oh, a word on the weather. In the morning it had been intensely overcast, but thankfully I've lived here long enough to trust that the clouds would burn off by the afternoon, and they did. By the time the ceremony started at 3, it was beautiful and just before the grandparents started walking down the aisle, the sun came through the few remaining clouds and it was kind of like a little miracle. Anyway, I drove Laura Jean up to Tabor, and Amy and Goose made sure the two love birds didn't see each other until the ceremony. Laura Jean was about to burst seeing all the people (about 200) who had come together from all over (including high school) to celebrate with her and Dave.

The ceremony was beautiful, funny, sweet, and basically perfect. After everyone was seated, I walked mom down the aisle then ran back to the back of the ampitheater and picked up a huge basked of rose petals (all from the roses in Laura Jean's yard!) and threw them in the air "bollywood style" (LJ's exact words) as we entered. The wind was just perfect, and just slightly caught them as they fluttered to the ground. I had the most fun ever being the flower girl and especially loved the moment when I stopped to pick up the second basket (lots of laughing). A few times during the ceremony you could hear an ice-cream truck (my favorite moment was when it started immediately after Larua Jean finished her vows. She belly laughed for about 3 minutes.) I don't know what else to say other than it was perfectly Laura Jean and Dave. We were all crying and laughing the entire time, which I'd say is a good sign. Afterward, there were pictures of course, followed by me chauffeuring the happy couple to the party of the century. Dave's friend Ssef was DJing (spinning everything from Jackson 5 to Queen... on vinyl). The food was amazing, the wine was flowing, and I do believe a good time was had by all.

My only conceit in the entire weekend is that Avery was MIA for most of it. He went out of town Friday and Saturday for a wedding and came back to town Sunday with violent food poisoning and was unable to attend any of the festivities. That was a bit of a bummer as I wanted him to meet my mom's family, and family friends. Alas, there will be other times.

Around 9, Dave and LJ made their grad exit through showers of lavender. I had the best seat in the house as I was driving them to the hotel and got to watch them run through the crowd. Laura Jean shed a few happy tears in the car in amazement and joy that in her words, "it was perfect." I drove them to the Ace downtown, and hugged them both and instructed them to get it on. Phew.

Monday, Mom and I did a lot of taxi-ing people to the airport and picking up the pieces from the day before. Checking out of the hotel, getting LJ's dress, returning Dave's tux, returning the sound equipment, etc, etc. That night we (including a marginally better Avery) met Caroline and Tom downtown for dinner before saying our adieus.

I spent most of yesterday in bed, completely exhausted, and still feeling slightly under the weather. Today my goal is to get out of the house. Thank GOD that I got these two weeks off of work.

It was so so great to see everyone and celebrate this weekend. It really was the best wedding I've ever been to, and I have the utmost respect for just how much work (and team work) it took to pull it off.

I think it is such a beautiful testimony to Laura Jean and Dave that their community from near and far came together to support them so fully in their union. I have been cynical for a really long time about relationships, but seeing the beauty, respect, pure goofiness and joy with which those two kids look at each other and their life together, well it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say it changed my life. I am so excited to have a big brother, and am totally inspired by how completely perfect those kids are for each other.

t-7 days to operation bird dog!

2008-07-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

That's right kids just one week until LJ + Dave are officially Mr. and Mrs. Moore.

I can't wait. I'm totally excited. And for all of you fine folks attending, I can't wait to see you!

"cutest shit ever"

2008-07-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

The title for this post comes from Ms. Anna Brones, sweedish amazon, roomie extrordinaire, and person who took this photo:

shucks.

time change

2008-07-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday while I was folding laundry at the clinic I laughed to myself how different my life is now than it was a year ago. Yesterday I was wearing a sundress and ballet flats, at my job as an office manager, here in Portland. A year ago I was showering once a week, wearing my carhardt overalls everyday, peeling garlic, toting cardboard, making oatmeal, singing, and living in a tent in Northern Vermont. A year ago I was scared, completely and totally insecure about the direction of my life, and feeling surprisingly alone in a communal setting (with a few notable exceptions). Now I am astonished daily by the community I have found and built here in just 7 months, both personally and professionally. I love my job, and am giddy to the point of ineptitude about my job that starts in August. I am so in love. I guess the only thing similar, is that I love the place that I am. There have been many mornings that I have missed the crisp air of the northeastern kingdom. The midday heat of the circus field. The magic of the pine forest. The creaking, creeping beauty of the museum. Portland, in ways that continue to surprise me, feels like home. Walking, and biking everywhere. Having Scout here, of course, but even the city itself. I told a friend once that it feels like an old coat with pockets full of treasures that I had forgotten about. Familiar, but exciting.

I just got off the phone with Danny from Bread & Puppet (everyone on the east coast continues to forget about the time change, which always makes me laugh. thankfully, I was already awake since I have to be at work soon). He wanted to know if I was going to be able to make it out this summer, and I had to tell him that I couldn't. I'm broken hearted that I can't see all of my favorite B&P folks this summer, and just be on the farm and everything that means (especially since I'm in such a good place now), but the first two weeks of August I have a PlayWrite workshop, and on the 15th I start Tears of Joy. But as disappointing as that is, it makes me happy too because it yet another affirmation of how good my life is. In so many ways, I went looking for something at B&P last summer, and what makes me laugh now is that I had to leave to find it.

busy being happy

2008-07-05T18:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah. It's that good.

Got my script in the mail for The Shoemaker and The Elves. It's super funny and I can't wait to get my hands on some puppets. Also, found my touring partner online (ah the wonders of facebook), and we met for coffee today. He's been doing this for a year so was able to answer a lot of my logistical questions. I don't think we're going to be the bestest of buds, but I do think that we will work well together.

In other news, I'm very much enjoying a little mini-vacation before my last two weeks of work at the clinic. My bosses went to visit family in California, so I get 6 days off in a row. I keep being surprised about how when you're on vacation, everyday feels like Friday (my Saturday, since I only work a four day week right now). It's pretty flippin' sweet.

I celebrated my week anniversary of being back in the cute-ness of my new (old) house again. Love everything about it, but especially my kick-ass roomies and beautiful and super-private patio. Only minor catastrophe in moving was that I dented the (brand-new, seriously less than 400 miles on it ) Uhaul van. Let's just say it was a very expensive mistake and will never again opt out of the $10 insurance.

Independence day was celebrated with waffles and hiking with Avery, LJ + Dave. Avery had never been to Forrest Park, so it was lots of fun to share one of my favorite Portland places with my new favorite Portland person. (sly how I just slipped that in, eah?) Yes, his name is Avery and over the last four weeks, I've fallen for him in every way possible. The cool thing is that he has too (for me of all people), and we have ridiculous adventures.

Needless to say, I am all kinds of happy. Happy enough to say things like "shucks" without a trace of irony.

too much is easily said by saying little

2008-06-29T23:48:00.000-07:00

hey, guess what kids?

I'm in love.

ode to a fantastic weekend

2008-06-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

Thursday wine night so good I fell down the stairs

new glasses

sleeping in the sun

awkward art museum moments

summer solstice feasting

dancing in the grass

midnight critical mass

(200 bike lights a flutter like the most powerful of fireflies)

kissing on bikes

melon on the porch

afternoon movie-watching

biking springwater

homemade green curry with tofu

awkward argentenian movies

biking home at midnight for the second night in a row

seeing people I know

being a part of a group

long leisurely lunches with Friends

getting the fortune

"soon someone new in your life will become a very good friend"

while sitting next to said person

gushing with Anna over tea on the patio

going to bed early to make up for staying up late

old time religion

2008-06-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend on Friday about singing and spirituality. One of the (only) things I don't like about Quaker meeting is that there's no organized singing. Sometimes someone will begin a song and others will join in, which is nice, but there's something deep and essential in me about some of the old hymns I grew up singing in drafty churches, sweaty tabernacles, and around camp fires and in the chapel at Glisson. Mom gave Laura Jean and I each a copy of 'Spiritual Life Songs' for Christmas (the old song book we used at camp meeting in Thompson growing up) when I shared a similar sentiment in late fall. I told her, "I don't know about the rest of it, but the songs still get me."

I've been singing tonight. A capella. Open window with a glass of wine.

The more I sang the more I longed for some of my favorites from the Methodist hymnal, which, thanks to the internet, I found. When I sang through the lyrics of the songs below, I felt a beautiful sense of connectedness with with my past and present. It is no mistake that my favorite hymns from childhood have both peace-centered and earth loving themes.

So here they are. My favorite hymns of all time (and don't be ashamed to sing along out loud).

1) This is My Song

2) Be Thou My Vision

3) God of the Sparrow

4) When Love is Found

5) For the Beauty of the Earth

blue skies

2008-06-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

The sun has finally come out in portland! I've been pretty cranky for the past couple of months. I mean, 58 and cloudy in April was hard, but 55 and cloudy in June? (every time I'd complain, I'd check the weather in Georgia and remember what it feels like to sweat walking to the mailbox and I'd feel better about my decision to move here.) Today it's a lovely 74 and sunny and I'm feeling a bit manic.

Just read a NYT article that I enjoyed. I've always said that I want a partner, it's refreshing to see that others are striving toward the same goal.

Considering buying a piece of land in a couple of years, which feels insane to be 23, have a part-time job and be saying, but if I work it right, I think I can make it happen. I love Portland, but I've always wanted a little farm. Why wait?

Basically, I'm super-happy. Trying to figure things out, and totally digging the sunshine.

restless

2008-06-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling impatient lately. Now, patience has never exactly been a virtue of mine, but the issue I've been dealing with lately is not being present because of my lack of patience. I have so many amazing things happening this summer, and I want them all to happen rightnow. Moving. Laura Jean and Dave's wedding. Starting the puppet job. The sun actually shining for more than 10 minutes. What is humorous about this, is that the past six months have FLOWN by, so what's waiting one more month to move? Another six weeks to start the puppet gig? Absolutely nothing. I've got an itch that summer 2008 is going to be great, I've just got to make sure I'm present for it.

gentrification, or feeling bad about stealing but doing it anyway

2008-06-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

So, this morning before Quaker meeting, I was doing my daily blog-roll, which if you haven't noticed includes the delightfully satirical stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. The most recent entry refers to an New York Times article describing the conflict and conversation happening in the NE neighborhood surrounding the Alberta district. I found this article terribly interesting in light of my recent migration. Moving to Portland, I was looking to escape racism, but instead have found only a hyper-politically correct version of it. What follows is a collection of three different experiences/conversations/interactions that have brought this concern to the forefront of my heart and mind.

About three weeks ago, I met someone in a semi-professional environment. We were just having a casual conversation and it came up that I'm from the south. Upon hearing this, she echoed a sentiment that I'd heard for the first time last summer, both in Portland and Vermont, that she is acutally "scared" of the south. This reverse-bigotry astounded me then and continues to baffle me. Obviously, I know how screwed-up the south is. I lived there for the first 22 years of my life. It is a complicated place, and the racial divide there is one of many factors that make it thus. Last summer, I found this comment made me defensive and actually proud (for the first time in my life) of being from the south. I now always say that I am glad I am from the south; I think it makes me more complicated. Growing up in the south, you learn about irony at a young age. There are contradictions everywhere and at every level of society. Many different kinds of people live in close proximity. Different neighborhoods, yes, but de-facto segregation is nothing new. The divide at this point seems more cultural than practical, which of course is a gross underestimation of the may factors that contribute to it, but alas, I digress. What I'm trying to say is, regardless of all the problems, people still interact, and if there's racism, it's known. It's not hidden. It's not a secret. That doesn't make it right, but there's an awareness that precludes denial. With a 7% African-American population in Portland, it is easy to espouse the best ways to deal with racial tension without actually doing anything about it, because basically, you don't have to.

But back to my friend.

I pushed her further as to why she is afraid of the south ad she described some of the normal bad things about the south (racism, fundamentalism, misogyny, etc.), but went on to say (with a chuckle and shake of her head) that she just wished she could sit down with people there and fix these problems.

I found this a) condescending and b) a vast under-estimation of the complexity of these problems. I attempted to make a polite rebuttal but it was neither the time nor place for a full on argument. The conversation ended with a mutual shrug.

Did I mention she was born and raised in Portland?

Then at meeting this morning, the first message was given by a beautifully spirited elder in the meeting. This woman's concern, warmth, and openness point to a life of kindness. I want so much to be like her at her age. Anyway, she spoke to her concern of the condition of Burma (Myanmar). She expressed her own internal conflict of recognizing the need for aid there, but the corrupt government preventing it. She shared her confusion of being unsure of how to respond. She proposed three options:

1) Doing nothing

2) Waiting until asked for aid to give it

3) Forcing our way in despite the political conditions.

She said she didn't know the right response because she didn't think there was one. What she was struggling with, she shared, was that she hoped to find a best if not right course of action.

Then at lunch today (a group of 9! Young Adult Friends gathered after meeting for lunch today. Super Fantastic!!), we started discussing a YAF conference that a couple of people had attended last weekend in Indiana. Somehow a conversation about community and diversity came up in a reference to both the queer and non-white communities both present and absent from their conference and our local gathering. One Friend went on to propose (quoting the sole black attendee of the conference) that if we want to see more people of different backgrounds in our meeting then we need to "reach out to them, welcome them to the table, and invite them to help us decide how the table is set." He is always quick with a beautiful metaphor, so I pushed him to discuss practically what that meant. Deftly skirting over any overt reference to a specific group, he proposed that if we wanted to see more people who owned canaries in meeting that we should call the canary owners in the community, invite those of the canary-owning persuasion to join us, welcome them into our group and listen to their canary-owning perspective, and invite them to join in the decision making process of our meeting.

While I see the truth and Quaker essence in this proposition, I find it somehow flawed as well. There is something inherently condescending in both my friends' propositions for improvement. They are both people I respect and value their opinions greatly, but their comments, to me, denoted a blindness to privilege that both prevents us from solving our own complaints (lack of diversity), an perpetuates a kind of bigotry in itself.

I understand the need to actively reach out and listen to the voices that have been systematically oppressed in our culture and society, but I am tired of people of privilege and power making beautiful theoretical statements about the best way to fix other people's lives.

To me, it seems that people who crave "diversity" live farthest away from it. It also seems that these same people have a haphazard craving/need to surround themselves with people who are different from them. Similarly, it seems that all this inclusiveness is a guilt-laden reactionary response to make privileged people feel better about being privileged.

Attempting to atone for the sins of previous generations by reaching out to people of a specific race or class simply because they are different seems a perversion of intent. Conversely, it is also important to note that it is a gross misinterpretation of reality to deny that there is indeed a vast disconnect in our society between people of different races, socio-economic statuses, and sexual orientations.

I feel that in reaching out to people, we should reach out to all people. Yes, that includes people of different races, sexual-orientations, and socio-economic statuses paying special attention to any prejudices that may reside within ourselves. As a member of the majority, I feel it is my responsibility to be sensitive to the needs of others without assuming I know the best answers for them. The goal is to be inclusive while simultaneously respectful of differences. Is that possible? Like I said, this has been at the forefront of my heart and mind and I welcome any criticism or discussion this may spur. I am wrestling with this issue and am no where close to having a conclusion for this post.

boredom killer

2008-05-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

better than facebook.

superawesomeamazingness

2008-05-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

I could, quite possibly, be having the best week ever. So good, in fact that I've had no time to write about it.

First, I got the puppet job. I'll be touring 'The Shoemaker and The Elves" at elementary schools in Washington state from September through May. This means a) I'll be doing my dream job. b) I'll get to spend almost every weekend home. c) I am going to be freaking buff because the entire show will be performed with my hands in the air (over my head, apparently). If you couldn't tell, I'm really really excited about this.

Secondly, PlayWrite has been amazing. The students, the process, the other coaches; what an incredible learning experience. There's something so extremely powerful about listening and giving voice to these kids, who people usually actively ignore. We've all done it right? Just ignore the the bum on the sidewalk, and pretend he's not there so we don't have to deal. PlayWrite does just the opposite. We're actively asking questions, listening, hearing these people. It was transformative. Today professional actors performed the scripts in front of a live audience. To see the look on Charlie's face as the actors realized his characters was nothing short of awesome, in the truest sense of the word. They've invited me to come back for more workshops and I can't wait.

And, it's just a month until I'm back in SE with the lovely ladies of 44th Ave. Also, terribly exciting. Yay, for being in a whole house that I feel comfortable in, not just my room. Although these hallowed orange walls will be missed, I'm really looking forward to afternoon wine with Anna, eggs and toast with Sarah C., and consuming as much of Elsie's banana bread as possible. Anyone else notice that all of those references were food-related? Anyone surprised? I thought not.

big wet portland kisses to all!

make it write.

2008-05-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

So, before I get into my post, it needs to be said that momma came down for the weekend and we had a totally stellar weekend. Really a superb visit all around. We stayed busy doing a lot of stuff for the wedding and throwing Laura Jean a lingerie shower (I got totally trashed on cosmos and would be delighted to never see another in my life) and today we saw Barack Obama speak (along with about 75,000 of our closest friends). Beautiful (HOT) weather, perfect weekend.

Okay, so last week I got a call from Sarah from the Nomadic Theater saying that she'd been working all week with an organization called PlayWrite. Basically, it is an organization that teaches playwriting to at-risk kids, as an outlet for creative expression, validation, and healing. Awesome, right? Then she told me that she'd been working with them last week primarily because one of the students they were working with was Deaf (she signs too), but that she could only work for half of the workshop because she had another commitment. So, she had given them my name and number! More Awesome! So, last week I asked off for the days and times of the workshop, and my boss actually agreed (more awesome). Tonight, I met with Lindsay, one of the founders, to go over logistics, details and their process. In short, I AM TOTALLY STOKED. And?!?! I'm going to get paid. Like $300, which is more than I normally make in a week. So, instead of taking a pay cut for this week because I thought this was a volunteer gig and could only figure out how to get about 15 hours at the clinic, I'm making more money, and doing something totally amazing and important and super fun. My life is freaking rad.

things I freaking love about portland; post 1

2008-05-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

This is going to be the first in a series of posts about the myriad of things that I love about this fine city.

On my mind today: mail in voting!

I voted on Saturday. Yup, that's right. Saturday, just after breakfast in my pajamas. How did I do this you might ask? Because Oregon is friggin awesome and realized that most people are more likely to vote if they have the option of doing it in their pajamas. You register, they send you a ballot, you mail it back. Ah, democracy is delicious.

Secondly, not only was I a comfortable voter, I was an informed voter. Before this election, all of my voting decisions have been based on my own research, (lackluster, I'll admit) and in the absence of researching a specific candidate, voting for the candidate with the best name (you've done it too). But! Oregonians might just be the most informed voters in the country, because instead of standing in a voting booth only able to recall brightly colored yard-signs, we get a packet, yup a detailed packet (about 30 pages), in which each candidate submits their own information, and each ballot measure is described in detail (as well as what a "yes" and "no" vote actually means and its financial impact).

So, while May 20th is the actual primary for Oregon, many of its voters have already cast their ballot. And I am one of them.

And in case you were wondering, (or it wasn't glaringly obvious) I voted for hope.

everywhere at once.

2008-05-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's just the weather, but I've been missing Athens for a couple of weeks. It's not overwhelming and it's not constant, but every couple of days I feel a little longing for the classic city. But the more I think about it, I realize that as much as I miss a Taco Stand burrito (tofu, extra hot, with onions and peppers) or a boot of PBR at 283, or zucchini bread from ERC, (god, all food references, surprised anyone?) what I miss about all those places isn't the places themselves. It's getting Taco Stand as a reprieve from a rainy bike ride with Nina, or sitting outside on the patio of 283 with Matt, Megan Louise, and Lauren, it's sharing a pot of tea with Helen at ERC and splurging for the zucchini bread. I miss the community I had in Athens, the places are just context. I was talking to Lauren this week and telling her about how much I miss Athens, but admitted that if I were there I'd probably be wondering what life would be like living in a place like Portland.

And the thing is, my life is pretty great here. I'm building my community and chasing my dreams. Yeah, I'm broke, but how would I appreciate some day making $1,300 a month without making only $784 a month first? I had my audition with Tears of Joy on Wednesday and it went swimmingly. If I get that gig, I'd be touring elementary schools for 9 months from mid-August to mid-May, with periodic stops at home (never more than a month on the road). Which basically means that I'd be doing my dream job. Also, I'm moving back to SE (of Portland, not the country) with the lovely ladies of 1023 SE 44th Ave. Audrey is moving out (no drama, she just wants her own place), and they asked me to move back in. Although my orange room has been quite delightful, the rest of the house and living situation haven't quite lived up to my expectations. (Have I mentioned that my room-mates started dating each other a month after I moved in?)

And although it's only 60 degrees outside, there's a bit of sunshine falling through my window, and for now, that's enough.

p.s. be sure to scroll down and check out pictures from Running into Walls!

mortality

2008-04-30T15:31:00.000-07:00

I am in really in it right now.

I had a friend die suddenly last week. Her name was Julia. God, it even feels strange to use the past tense there. I knew her from Quaker meeting. She was legally deaf and blind, although with the help of hearing aids and glasses, she could get by. I accompanied her grocery shopping since we lived in the same neighborhood. I enjoyed hanging out with her because it gave me an opportunity to practice my sign language. She was a math major at PSU.

Of course none of that really describes who she was.

It's also unclear whether her death was an accident. I suppose it's a mute point, but it only adds to my own confusion.

I thought I understood death.

I know that we die. Everything dies. That's what gives life meaning-- the fact that it ends. But that's the abstract. I suppose I understand the concept of death.

But there's something infinitely mysterious about how someone can be, and then cease to be.

I'm overwhelmed by the fog of that mystery right now.

I've been sad. I've cried. I've talked about it.

But now, I'm left with this feeling of nothingness. I'm having a difficult time getting motivated. My energy level is low, and I don't really feel anything.

That's hard.

I feel inarticulate. Blogging makes me acutely aware that I am not a writer.

But I need to get this out of me. And if it's words on a screen, for now that will have to do.

puppet

2008-04-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

*edit: Pictures from Running into walls!!!

Anyone who knows me well enough to know my name, probably knows that I have three main interests:

1) puppets

2) sign-language

3) trapeze

Since arriving in Portland I have found a sign-language conversation partner via craigslist, and taken

trapeze at DoJump (a Christmas gift from my mother that I was sad to see run out. I'm currently calculating how long it would take me to blow through my savings if I were to start spending it on trapeze...) But, alas my puppet longings were unsatisfied.

Then I met the good folks at the Nomadic Theater Company, and by meet I mean I sent them an email saying I would lick stamps and build sets and sweep floors and do whatever they needed done. They were happy about this email, and welcomed me heartily. I've been helping them with their current production, Running into Walls, a clown show. I helped build sets, attended rehearsals, etc.

Then one day I got an email from Sarah asking me to build puppets for their show! There's one short s

cene where their characters are climbing up the empire state building. Since it's a rather low-budge production, they thought it would be rad to have puppet versions of themselves climb the sides of the flat with the empire state building painted on it. Now, I love puppets but I'm pretty new to this interest. Case in point: I'd never built a puppet before. I take that back, I built a really cool puppet in the 4th grade with wire glasses... but that's beside the point. So, anyway I built the puppets (cut out of cardboard, covered in paper mache, and painted). And you want to know the amazing thing? They turned out great! Michael, Heather, and Sarah all loved them and I was pretty excited about it myself.

And if that weren't enough, through these fine folks, I met the artistic director of the local puppetry theater Tears of Joy, and after sending her my resume on Friday, she emailed back yesterday, and I now have an interview/audition with them on May 7th! Other than the fact that I'm pretty out of practice in the audition department, I am COMPLETELY STOKED about this, especially the possibility that I may be able to pay my rent by playing with puppets instead of paper clips.

In other news, I am ready for the rain to go away. And, I really don't like to wake up to the house swaying because my room mates are having sex with each other. But that, is an entirely different post altogether.

Hope y'all had a great earth day!

cherry poppin' post

2008-04-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

I moved to Portland December 29th, 2007.

Since then, I have sublet a room with four of the most kick-ass ladies in stumptown. Found a job. Biked everywhere and at all hours. Taken trapeze on a different coast. Discovered Pho. Been surprised by Mt. Hood, and reminded of the big, big, everything. Started attending Quaker meetings. Hiked with my dog in Forrest Park. Helped my sister pick out her wedding dress. Drank my first Burgerville milkshake. Rented a video from Movie Madness. Bought 3 books from Powell's. Become a bus commuter. Weighed the pros and cons of cupcake jones vs. saint cupcake. Moved once. Got sick off an oyster shooter from the Montage. Painted my room orange. Exchanged a multitude of letters and postcards with my favorite people around the globe. Gotten free acupuncture. Lost 5 pounds. Built puppets for a clown show. Taken a picnic. Jumped in puddles. Registered to vote.

And I've got to say that after only 4 months, I feel like I live here.

That's pretty grand.